Monday, September 13, 2004

It's all the questions...

That's actually part of a line from one of my favorite movies...Love Jones. If you haven't ever watched that, you should, I highly recommend it. Lately all of the lines have been going though my mind, I was going to go through my archives and re-post some of the lines, but I've done that enough. I'm sure if you wanted to, you can do the search on your own. =) Why do I like that line? It makes the most sense, why do we do anything? If we didn't question anything then we're just settling for whatever life gives us, and i'm not about to do that. What motivates you? What makes you want to do anything? What makes me want to go to school so badly? Why do I want to move cross country? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. People say you're motivated by certain people, or things...for me it's the latter. I've always wanted to have another degree, I think it's cool. And well, I want to do some good in this world, and I feel that i'll have a better chance if I go some place that i've always wanted to's not the easiest path to take (seeing that i've lived most of my adult life out on the west side). I could just as easily go back to the bay, move back home, commute to S.F. or go to Berkeley (but I'd get an apt if I were to go there). It just seems to easy for me. I need a challenge. Why is it with me I have to try to do the toughest rode possible? Not impossible mind you, just the hardest rode, or the hardest path I could think of. I never try to do the easy route (well maybe in undergrad I did), now that I've had a taste of doing the nearly impossible...I want to do more. It's as if i'm never satisfied. I see my friends, and see what each and every one of them are going through...sometimes I want that. Sometimes I just want to go home. But I won't, not unless something happens that would make me change my mind entirely...but that better be a daymn good reason. I've been questioning everything lately. I even wonder why some people do some things. Motivations. Some things I just can't understand, even though I try to see things at different angles, I just don't get it. I've been going in different directions all at once. Impossible? I think not. My head hasn't been spinning out of control, my mind has been going at different speeds in different directions. Question after question, trying to reason myself into or out of things. I sound crazy, yes? Sometimes i'm sure of myself, other times I get so scared. A lot of the time I want to go home, sit in my old room and just veg...but I know I can't, I have to just try...see what else is out there. I think i've exhausted all the possibilities out here in LA. It's all getting to me. The only thing saving me from my personal hell is school (and Shannon)...down here that is. I have a million and one reasons to go home (then again, maybe I won't be so skinny since they're always feeding me). I'll admit it, I have entertained the's just too easy (maybe one day--who knows). I don't know, too much going on in my head. Of course I have doubts, everyone does. It's scary, the whole possibility of going to Grad School. Moving. Everything, and nothing all at the same time. I feel like i'm moving, but i'm standing still. One foot in front of the other, trying not to fall down. I wonder if anyone would catch me if I fall.

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