Saturday, July 31, 2004

blessed are the forgetful:

for they get the better even of their blunders. -Friedrich Nietzsche how happy is the blameless vestal's lot! the world forgetting, by the world forgot. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd. -Alexander Pope constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating... finally saw the movie again, now i want it on dvd (add it to my giant collection). it's an interesting concept when you think about it. permanently take out memories from your mind, to completely erase never feel pain from them again. but erasing the pain, you also erase the good things (and the lessons learned). i don't think it'd ever go through with that type of process (or procedure), but just think if it were possible. i mean, i know i've forgotten bits and pieces here and there...selective amnesia if you will. it's just interesting to think about. but if you watched the movie, it also shows you don't know what you have until it's gone (or almost) at the same time. makes you stop and think, always re-thinking everything that you did...or want to do. second guessing yourself. sucks though. i always end up in that cycle, a never ending depressing cycle--that i hope one day to break...

the big "3 0"

so shannie finally turned the BIG "3 0"!! hehe yeah, she's finally "old". yeah i know 30's not that old (since i'm 6 months older than her), i just like reminding her whenever i get the chance. =) so here's some pic's from her birthday brunch. *click* *click* enjoy! not too much, i was concentrating on all the eating (even if some people don't believe i actually eat =P) so happy birthday girlfriend! i luv ya! *MWAH* oh and yes, computer is back baby!! thank you louie!! she's all reformatted & trojan free! she's running way fast, better than ever! of course i had to get all my mp3s off the ipod (so my 16 disks of crap, was a waste), but i was able to save everything else on separate i'm all good. i think i put everything that i had back on...anyway, thank you thank you to all of you who helped me in my time of troubles. it is much appreciated. *mwah*

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

my new path

the dean of admissions to the masters program at rutgers called me. the only thing holding me back for admissions is my grades. so she told me what to do, and i already started looking into it. i'm going to take ucla extension classes and hopefully get a 4.0, then i can re-apply, re-write a new personal statement, and send my new transcripts over to rutgers and hopefully be accepted. so that's the plan, i have my path set now. so come fall quarter...i'm back in school. maybe not where i wanted to be, but i'm on my way.

Another Way to Look at Things...

* You have the capacity to choose what you think about. If you choose to think about past hurts, you will continue to feel bad. While it's true you can't change the effect past influences had on you once, you can change the effect they have on you now. * The best way to forget your own problems is to help someone else solve theirs. * Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. * You can't base your life on other people's expectations. * One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks. * Getting people to like you is simply the other side of liking other people. * You maybe disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try. * The only people you should ever want to get "even" with are those who have helped you. * Pride is tasteless, colorless and sizeless. Yet it is the hardest thing to swallow. * God gave us two ears but only one mouth. Some people say that's because He wanted us to spend twice as much time listening as talking. Others claim it's because He knew that listening was twice as hard. * Shared joy is double joy and shared sorrow is half-sorrow. * The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night's sleep. * If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. * The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. * Fall seven times, stand up eight. * An open mind collects more riches than an open purse. * You can make more friends in a month by being interested in them than in ten years by trying to get them interested in you. * Be kind. Every person you meet is fighting a hard battle. * The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift. * An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything. * You can either complain that rose bushes have thorns - or rejoice that thorn bushes have roses. * * * * got this from one of my friends, bolded the ones that i really, really liked. i know i'm the forward queen, and i don't always forward them to everyone...but i just thought i'd share this one with ya'll.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

in anticipation...

so this week i've been trying to find out what the deal is with rutgers. i've called, and checked the website a million of times....they know as much as i do. hurry up committee!! let me know what the deal is! i have some people telling me to breathe, and calm down...and i have others telling me to keep calling and demand an answer. and i have others still that keep asking me that question...have you heard anything yet? arrgghhhhh, makes me want to pull out my hair!! if only sjsu didn't take so daymn long getting my transcripts to me--i would have known by now! so to prepare (in case the psychic is right), i've already filled out my fasa forms for financial aid, and i'm looking into apts (thanks to ver7igo's suggestion--since no one else knows the area). this is also in case there is no housing available on campus (i really hope there is *cross-fingers*). man, all this waiting is killing me! all i know is, if accepted (although i really should say when--keeping the good vibes and all)...august will be hell. but you know, in the end i'm gonna be a hell of a lot happier. i might be in the hole, but i'll be happy. oh and also to save money, i've been bringing my lunches (more like, i'm in the process of finishing all the food in my freezer). yesterday this chicken was just nasty to me, but it's the bomb!!!

Thursday, July 22, 2004

happy birthday to one of my bestest friends!!

even though you probably won't check this....happy birthday lady!! *mwah* you're FINALLY 30!! love you!! *mwah*

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

standing still

sometimes you have to pick your battles, and know when to fight, stand still, or move on. this is a very valuable lesson to learn. you can't always be fighting (cause you won't always win), and you can't stand still forever (no one should ever go through that), but you have to at least try before you move on (otherwise it was just a waste of your time). i suppose standing still is neither here or there, it's kind of like being invisible. feeling like you're being treated as if you don't exist, even if you the same time. really hard to explain i know. sometimes it's a good thing, but in this case...i think it's bad. you feel like a "toy" that's been disregarded, thrown in the corner...covered by dust. or a book, the pages are yellowing, creases all over...yet you have no interest in reading it ever again. so it goes to the bottom of the pile, with books on top of books...lost without a trace. or an old model, sitting on your book case...covered with dust. just there. doing nothing. standing still. out of sight, out of mind. so what do you do when you've been standing there for so long? you walk away. there is only so much you can do, you can put up with, before you feel that you can't do anything. you can only be "understanding" for so long, before you lose yourself and your "ideals" in the process. granted, you don't lose all the time, and before the was interesting, intriguing, wonderful, and at times beautiful...sometimes you just have to realize that it's best to let go. stand still. or simply walk...

Monday, July 19, 2004

The Sicilian Defense...

from the Semi-Open Games and unlike the Open games, does not share typical formations. The Sicilian is the sharpest defense because after 1. e4 c5, the symmetry is already broken but the battle for the center is not conceded. have i ever told you all that i HATE chess? **edit: i forfeit.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

psychic predictions

so, some of you know that i spoke with a psychic a week or so ago. i got the tape of the "session" exactly a week after, and i listened to it again. that was just the weirdest sounded like two entirely different people (not at all like it was me and lysa speaking). one thing came true (so far) that she has predicted, except, it was off a bit...she told me to look at my front right tire. well, it was my front left tire. i went to get my alignment this weekend, and apparently i got a screw in the left and it only had 13 lbs of air in it. i knew it looked a little low, but my bro put less air in the front than the back--so that's what i thought it was. she already had particular "names" right, but even before i spoke to her i was keeping my distance (i should have been keeping my distance--but you live and you learn), it was just funny to hear her get THAT name right. i won't be able to see if the second part of it's right for maybe a few weeks, and the third part of it would probably be a few months after that (we talked about three sections and extra's). it was kinda of more in the line of "predictions", as opposed to people or things in my life. but we did discuss "reasoning" of my wanting to move. how she believed deep down that i'm going for a "bigger reason" and not for the "cherry" on top (heh, if you only knew). how the "catalyst" got me there, but is not the reasoning for me going...but without the "catalyst" i wouldn't be so focused as to going to grad school, or moving for that matter. i know some people feel or felt like going to the psychic was a waste of my time and money, but i got a lot out of it....and i've never been to a psychic before (it was really cool). this whole year has been a year of "doing" things, as opposed to just "talking" about it. i've been talking about everything long enough, i'm actually doing everything i've been talking about for the past few years. i just hope the first half of what she said comes true soon, the other half i'm willing to work on it...but keeping in mind what she had to say also...

Saturday, July 17, 2004

you got the makings of greatness in you,

but you gotta take the helm and charge your own course, stick to matter the squabs. and when the time comes you got the chance to really test the cut of your sails, and show what you're made of...well i hope i'm there catching some of the light coming off you that day. ~treasure planet

Friday, July 16, 2004

i'm still here

by: Johnny Reznik I have a question to the world, Not an answer to be heard. All a moment that's held in your arms. And what do you think you'd ever say? I won't listen anyway? You don't know me, And I'll never be what you want me to be. And what do you think you'd understand? I'm a boy, not a man. You can take me and throw me away. And how can you learn what's never shown? Yeah, you stand here on your own. They don't know me 'cause I'm not here. And I want a moment to be real, Wanna touch things I don't feel, Wanna hold on and feel I belong. And how can the world want me to change, They're the ones that stay the same. They don't know me, 'Cause I'm not here. And you see the things they never see, All you wanted, I could be, Now you know me, and I'm not afraid, And I wanna tell you who I am. Can you help me be a man? They can break me, As long as I know who I am. And I want a moment to be real, Wanna touch things I don't feel, Wanna hold on and feel I belong. And how can the world want me to change, They're the ones that stay the same. They can't see me, But I'm still here. They can't tell me who to be, `Cause I'm not what they see. And the world is still sleepin', While I keep on dreamin' for me. And their words are just whispers, And lies that I'll never believe. And I want a moment to be real, Wanna touch things I don't feel, Wanna hold on and feel I belong. And how can they say I never change They're the ones that stay the same. I'm the one now, `Cause I'm still here. I'm the one, `Cause I'm still here. I'm still here. I'm still here. I'm still here. * * * * * this is just the song going through my head, at the moment.... too much things going on up in there, it's like a war zone. but no matter what happens, or what anyone says, or thinks...i'm still here. (that was so friken gay) but as the saying goes, what doesn't break you . . . makes you stronger. **edit: oh and btw, i hate this new blogger "post" option, it screws up my "template" every time i have to change something. it just makes me do double work, they should give you an "option" to see if you want any other "options".

Thursday, July 15, 2004

a watched pot never boils

so i was doing what has turned into my "daily" check on rutgers website to check my "status", and after inputting everything i hit "submit"...then it happened, a stupid glitch! saying i came to that site because i might not have paid (but i did, i have the receipt to prove it!). i was freaked! so i closed the window & opened up a new one, went back, inputted...and there it was..."no decision". whew! that's better than them not having my info right? although, it would be nice to have "accepted" instead of "no decision". but that just goes to show me, patience! so i have to keep telling myself...a watched pot never boils (at least that was going through my head after that whole "incident" happened). so to answer everyone's question, no i have not yet received my acceptance (or otherwise) letter. i should be receiving some sort of correspondence before the end of the month, so please don't ask. it's kind of like asking me when i'm getting married and having kids, it invokes that same type of feeling when asked that question. so i'll just do this, when i find out...everyone will know. =) * * * * and for the girlies...especially if you like your hair stick straight like mine, get this!! believe me girls, i have tested this bad boy and it rocks! i don't even have to wet my hair, shoooot, i can shower...air dry--then straighten it...and it looks just like the jennifer aniston look that i've been going for! it'll also be good for when i go back to school, less maintenance in the morning. ;)

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

good days gone bad....

so i was having an alright kind of day. work kinda breezed by, and i was pretty much happy. (of course after my lunch time venting--but it's all good.) so yeah, i was late as usual to step class. you try getting from century city to burbank in under an hour (with construction on olive avenue!!). but i wasn't too late, i still was able to get steps to get my step on. it was actually a pretty good class, got all the steps down, turning turning, step up, left, right...i had fun. then it came down to the stretching. i turned and this girl was just glaring at me, straight doggin me! some new girl, doesn't even come that often...just was straight doggin! maybe she's mad that i come in late and know all the steps, or perhaps she saw my tats and thinks i belong to some gang...whatever the case, that was just uncalled for. and she noticed me noticing her, and she just looked away. that didn't look like a look of concentration. and right after class, she straight got her shit and booked. normally i notice she lingers a bit, but not today. maybe she does this all the time, i don't know...i was just really offended. i know i don't talk that much, i just come...step, do abs, stretch, then go. but maaaaaaaaaaannnnnn.... when i first got the newest tat everyone tried touching it, and was all asking me about it. no one ever started doggin me, i mean we all talked about having tat's done. but no one has ever made me feel like i wanna say something back to match that offensive look. eh, whatever. and then i got home and got my cingular celly bill. did you know that for 6 minutes of answering/talking on my phone in rosarito, it cost me almost 20 bones? 6 minutes! only 6 minutes! cingular sucks ass. i swear man, when i move i'm going to change my plan to smaller minutes, take off the internet...and try to make it to the end of my plan and switch to t-mobile or something. i would change to verizon, but their phones suck ass. so yeah, i know it didn't go like super super bad...but man i was really offended! step class is like my turf. she sometimes would go the wrong way and crash into me. or take a break and not move, and be in the way. and that other girl...don't get me started! i'm not even hungry. i know my "diet" sucks ass too. whatever, i'm going to go and enjoy my strawberry, french cheesecake. hmmm, perhaps i can finish the rest of the cake (even though i told myself i would take all week to eat it). eh, whatever. i already blew my "diet" earlier when i popped in some truffles & sucked down on my butterscotch lolly from sees. i love me some sees....

burning bridges

you know how some of your "friends" are there for a reason, season or lifetime? well i suppose i have some "reason" friends & some of them are getting on my last nerve. you try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt right? then they go and say some shit that only the lowest of the low would ever say, something that they pulled straight out of their ass and thrown in your face. i hate it when that happens. but you value their friendship (you think), but things that they do just keep piling on and on and on. a neverending cycle if you will...a sad, sad cycle. so to keep your sanity you "burn that bridge". am i a bad person for doing that? you try and try to make things work (relationship/friendship wise). you even let some of the their annoying habits not get to you, but it keeps piling on, and you keep making more excuses to everyone. then you get to the point where you say to yourself...what the hell am i doing? why is this person still in my life? i've been asking myself that very question as of late. i still don't have any answers, yet i'm still around. they still annoy the fuck out of me, but i just smile and think...oh they'll get it, i have faith in them. but WHY do i have faith in them? when they KEEP doing the thing that annoys me the most? i mean, a lot of my friends have "disappeared"...but the good ones, the good ones are still around. they're the ones asking me...what the hell are you doing? why the fuck is so and so still around, calling you, im'ing you? what the hell? i have no answers. all i know is, i don't want to feel like i've wasted time getting to know someone, and being their friend...only to walk away. but i guess sometimes if that person repeatedly goes beyond those personal limits you have...there's a point where you need to cut your losses while you're still fairly ahead...and move on.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

tuesday bloody tuesday...

and the funny things people say i think i want a "subheading" line added to my template. anyone know how to add that? it was after step class last night and i was walking to the garage with one of my "steppers". he asked me what i was going to do, i replied....sleep. he goes, you know in new york they would go home and take a nap, then start clubbing at 1am, party till 5, go home then go to work at 7am (rinse, repeat). now mind you, i didn't even mention new york/jersey...or the fact that i'm hoping to move there next month (dammit, i want my acceptance letter already!!). he just started giving me tips on how "new yorkers" do the night life. i thought that was weird. then before i left work i was talking to big boss...she asked me if i went to the company party this past saturday (i didn't), i gave her some excuse...even though i didn't really hang out with broski. she was all talking about how the office supply peeps went without the kiddies to play with, since i told her that i went to disney earlier in the year with lan and the kiddies...i didn't think i'd have any fun without them. *shrug* she was all, well next year you should go--if your brother doesn't come down again. all i said was we'll see, but in my head i was thinking....i might be leaving next month (*twiddles thumbs*). i just think it's weird how some people are just randomly starting to talk to me, always asking how i i'm doing. it's just weird. i know a few weeks, or maybe even a month ago they were all just letting me be (me and my quiet little self). but now, everyone is stopping by to talk to me (not just ordering me around). it's weird. maybe i am in the alchemist, and i'm finally taking a notice of what's going around me rather than passively walking by. weird. on 6th sense my 6th sense thing is starting to bug again. i hope my aunt's okay...i'm surrounded by death (not me personally--but by my people). a dear, dear friend's lolo passed recently (your family is always in my thoughts & prayers), and random relatives are passing. i'm having thoughts again about scares me when i do. sometimes it actually means something (especially when momma is having thoughts too). i think it's 'cause we're all getting older, and the older we get--the older they get. it's inevitable i know, it just sucks. but you know, things happen for a reason. they're in a better place (at least that's what i tell myself). and on that "things happen for a reason" you ever wonder if this and this didn't happen, i wouldn't be here (or there)? or i wouldn't be thinking of this (or that). me and lan were discussing that the other day. if some things didn't happen, then some people would still be around us. but i think (we actually), that there is a bigger picture....or a "goal" if you will. and to get to this "goal" things have to happen (or leave....whatever), and no matter what it takes to get to this "goal" people will come or go. like "he/she" i.e. "god", "buddha", "higher entities", etc. has a master plan for all of us....and no matter what, we will all get there (even if it causes heartache, pain, numbness, etc.). i felt a little better after that, like my reasoning (no matter what it is, or was) doesn't matter--cause whatever it is/was it got me to this point in my life. you know, things do happen for a's all the questions--not the answers. especially if people are blowing shit up your ass (what do THEY know anyway right?). besides, no matter what it takes you will get to the "master plan"....everything always seems to fall into place. people always have their "opinions" on things, but that's all it is, not like it's actual "fact"-even if they think it is. god, if i had a dolla' for every time someone said they know it to be true because they're being "real" or whatever...i probably could pay for my out-of-state tuition based on that! yes, please tell me what you are, cause i probably couldn't figure it out on my own! okay i'm rambling, i think i've said enough. enjoy peoples!

Monday, July 12, 2004

Nothing Gold Can Stay.

Nature's first green is gold Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf's a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay. -Robert Frost * * * * *hug*

Saturday, July 10, 2004

new editions and testing

so i finally got around to test that pop up picture thing i asked yano about awhile ago when she was giving out html tips. took me a while, but there you have it! these are a few of my favorite pic's, with a few of my favorite people. next thing i have to figure out do you center, and have my font flow rather than change colors...or whatever it decides to do at any given moment. also, i've added a few links to my frequent hits - blogs & sites, and i also categorized everything (to make it easier for viewing--especially for downtime at work ;) ).
as you can coloring changes after centering. i have no clue how to fix this, so today while waiting for people to call me it will be my mission to find out how to fix this!
oh and last night we went to see spiderman 2! movie rocks man. but as my bro put it, they had to put the 10 - 15yr love story of peter & mj into 2 movies, and the cg wasn't too over the top (he is after all a cartoon character). there's probably more i want to say about it, and there are some quotes that i loved from it...but i'm on a mission. i'll get back to this later. hope everyone's doing good, you're always in my thoughts. *hug*
**edit: i fixed it, i fixed it!! but all the centering shows up only in netscape but not in explorer, guess i'm only partially fixed....

Friday, July 09, 2004

i'm still learning

[stolen from mel, who got it from mike.] * * * * * TO LOVE... If you're afraid to love a person because of friendship, then you have choices: either to tell what you feel and let the love take place forever; or to hide the feeling under a friendship full of pretentions. Love can never be so beautiful without friendship; one leads to another and the process is irreversible... the best of lovers are the greatest of friends!!! Love doesn't have to have a happy ending because love doesn't have to end at all. A man realized he wanted his love back not wanting to be hurt again. The girl said "no". The man cried out to God, "if it was meant to be, why did I lose her?" God replied, "You didn't lose her... you let her go!" When you love someone, don't expect that person to love you back the same amount. One of you will be ahead, the other behind. It's either you catch up or the other waits. When you love, its not for you to be understood but for you to understand; not for you to take but for you to be taken, to listen not to dictate; to sacrifice, not to demand; not to count nor measure but to love... Love is not wondering how long it will last... love is wondering how long it will stay in your heart. Think and take time to listen to your heart. Sometimes you need not ask yourself who you love more but ask who really makes you happy and who makes you feel loved. People who are not willing to make a sacrifice are lying when they tell you they love you. The test of love is our capacity to sacrifice. We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. Letting go of someone dear to you is hard but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you're weak; it only means that you are strong enough to let go. To love is like playing the piano. First, you must learn to play by the rules. Then you must forget the rules and play from your heart. One should not love just to fill in an empty space but to have someone to stay by his side to complete the missing piece in his life. If you want to catch a butterfly, don't run after it. Instead, just sit down and open your hands. It will land on your palm when it needs a rest... that's the way to find love. In love, never put yourself in a situation where you are not sure where you stand in a person's life. Never assume, never expect. So that if they choose to drop you, you have enough strength to move on... * * * * * a lot of these struck me pretty hard, so i thought i'd share. but yeah, i'm still learning how to love (again), how to open myself back up, and when to stand still. some of you know the deal, others....well it's okay that you don't. but i know in time i'll know which way i'm going, until then i'm fine as is...

Thursday, July 08, 2004

i will remember you...

By: Sarah McLachlan I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories Remember the good times that we had? I let them slip away from us when things got bad How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories I'm so tired but I can't sleep Standin' on the edge of something much too deep It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard But I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light And I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories And I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories Weep not for the memories * * * * even though there's not much i can say...i've never been in your situation (although i wish i have), my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family (i only wish i could do more). i just wanted you to know that i'm thinking about you and your family, and praying that things will get better, and hoping that one day soon the light will shine and only happiness will come your way instead of the sorrow that has been crossing your path. *hug*

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

those were the days...

a year ago i was so carefree, didn't give a daymn 'cause there was always tomorrow. the closer things get (or seem to get) the more i think of what i haven't done yet, or what i want to do before eventually picking up and going. i know this is all premature, i'm just preparing myself just in case i get good news (you never know--i just like being prepared). and to some i've become "different", or "distant"....sorry, just been really busy with all that is buzzing in my head. those that know me well, don't take it too personal--besides i've already started preparing them. i'm "focusing" on particular people....prioritizing if you will. and i'm assuming/accepted that everyone will (or mostly everyone) will understand. i feel like i'm on some kind of deadline, like i gotta get this and this done by this date otherwise everything will fall apart. don't get me wrong, i thrive for this kind of thing--it is my essence. it's just weird going through it all again. the nervousness, the excitement....all the possibilities. i also feel like i gotta schedule everyone in (too bad i never got the replacement calendar for my day runner--like i ever use that thing anymore), i do have to make plans with all my bay area people (i actually was told i MUST). i mean if i don't go now, that just means that i have a year to take care of things as opposed to two months. that does sound appealing mind you, but two months sounds way better. it's a rush, and i know some of you don't understand...but it's okay--you don't have to. i miss the days that i just did whatever, whenever. now i'm saving whatever i can, bringing lunches, not going out (again). i'm actually preparing myself for when i'm going to be a starving student again (maybe i'll lose even more weight). heh. i really can't wait, it's like when i first moved to la...that kind of excitement. i mean sure, i would like to move 3,000 or so miles away from home to try something new, it's scary--but i think i'm ready for it. those that oppose me can stay the hell away. the engine started a while ago, and i'm finally doing it (hopefully anyway). those that had no faith, step. and yes regardless when...i'm still going (so please don't get in the way--or try to make me feel bad). i know some people were laughing at me thinking i'd never amount to anything...but look at me now man. i might not have the house, or the family car (or the gigantic ring on my finger)...but i'm not settling for anything. all you non-believers stay away, cause one way or another i'm going to get my masters....and i'm going to make a difference in this daymn world. no matter how big, or how small the dent is...i'm gonna do it. you might not think so, but i do...and that's all that matters.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

psychic talks

so call me retarded, mental or whatever--but i did it. i contacted the psychic, the author to psychic diaries....lysa mateau. we had a little "chat" today at my designated time. very, very interesting talk we had, some things i already knew about me (some not so much). we also discussed my brother alfrancis (who passed away at birth). i was just fascinated how she was able to pull a bunch of stuff out. she told me that if she was right in front of me i would probably be laughing at her since she was physically pushing some people away (funny how she knew the right names to say too). and it was really weird when she was talking about my brother, like he was showing her things (since technically he never was able to talk)...and he has the first part of my daddy's name (he was mentioning or showing her two male's with the same name....just to show that he's out there. that in and of itself was weird. i mean, i can feel him around me sometimes...and at night i talk to him (even if i know i won't get any kind of verbal response), sometimes i see signs that he's there. one day i'll see him, but not anyday soon. then we started talking about my future. she doesn't see me staying in the place i'm at now (and all i asked her i moving?), she see's this as a good move for me. i know some people think i'm going for someone...but even she believes that THAT is NOT the reason. it was more of a "catalyst" for it, but not the reason. and if this "reason" weren't to occur, it would have taken me longer to get off my ass and do something about it. so regardless the reason, this is a good thing for me. this is something that i'm meant to do, so i'm glad i finally got around to do it....even IF some of you think otherwise...i know better (so do my girlies). she also said that my reasons for moving is two fold, one isn't my decision (has to do with an acceptance of something) and the second part is all me (whether or not to accept the acceptance). i will also not be alone for the rest of my life, what happens with that will happen sometime in my future....but not here! so basically, la just isn't could happen in the east, or the bay (maybe even in the midwest)...but not down here. she also pointed out some things in my personality that i have to get a control of, which slowly i am...babysteps, always babysteps. i'm growing and changing, but i don't move that fast you know. but she did say i grew alot in this past year. which, even though i've seen it (and it's been pointed out to me) it's always nice to hear. so after my "chat" with lysa, shannon and i dissected it. first she got mad at me (i refused to tell her what i was doing at 6:30), then we went through it point by point. in the end we came up with, as long as i felt good about it--that i got something out of it, then it's all good. i've NEVER been to a psychic or talked to one, never had my palm read, or anything like that. i do own some taro cards (yet, i don't know how to really read them), and i've "witnessed" a wigi board "reading"(?) on a halloween night during college sometime (the early years). so this was my first psychic "encounter", and i think it was good. will i do it again? who knows! all i know is that i'm glad i did it, glad i talked to her. if you want to know more about her, check out her book psychic diaries, it's a good read. and if you do a reading with her, you get a recording on tape, so when i get my tape in the mail--you can bet your bottom dolla' ima dissect that shit. i think i am content, i'm also very excited for my future. bring it on!

Monday, July 05, 2004

4th of july fun...

so home was fun, good times, good eats & seeing my people is always good. saturday i spent the majority of the day with with Lan and family. of course after i spent an hour with the watch repair dude as he cleaned up my watch & conversed with me. he told me the "gist" of his goings on (even if this was only the 2nd time i've been there). i felt like a counselor or something, but he was really cool...and he didn't charge me for my "maintenance" on "coachie" (i think that's what i'm naming her). but after all that, i headed over to Lan's and picked up her and the little miss and we headed over to the great mall to watch harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban (yes i know my 3rd time). afterwords we went to red ribbon, picked up the mango cake and went back to celebrate auntie's birthday. good food, but i think everyone drank too much. however, i didn't bust out the cam to take pictures of the little ones....they were having too much fun running around the house. the next day was 4th of july, so i got into the car with my bro and we went mall hopping (had to get mom & dad's anniversary present before we headed up to rio vista--too bad we forgot it on the kitchen counter). then we FINALLY got around to head up to rio vista and enjoy the 4th of july bbq that my parents were preparing. here's some pictures from the day! *click* *click* not so much, but i like sharing--so enjoy! then this morning we went to breakfast early to celebrate kristy's birthday! so happy birthday kristy! so now i'm back in lala land, tired and doing laundry. hope you all had a wonderful 3 day weekend! hope all is well on your side. take cares! *mwah* & *hug*

Friday, July 02, 2004

home sweet home...

so the drive wasn't so so bad, getting through L.A. wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be (especially during rush hour). i especially liked the 152 when i was zooming in and out (love me those curves). anyway, i got all the crap out of my car that i brought home with me (and my room isn't all that packed--thanks bro!). so considering that my back seat had a shitload of crap...i made good time. so now i'm in my bro's room (course he's at the girlies) & lola's asleep. it's so empty without my parentals and the doggie. it's okay though, i love being here...nothing like the bay area. i'm not even tired, considering i didn't get my usual starbucks before heading out. but now i'll get to whole point of this post....i wanted to wish all of you a happy 4th! looks like i probably won't be around a computer on the 4th, and if my plans go through tomorrow i won't get on tomorrow either. so enjoy everyone! don't get too drunk, and if you do....please don't drive! i betcha bottom dolla' that there will be cops roaming the streets of wherever you are! so yah, enjoy the long holiday! i'm sure i'll have pictures to show you all come monday. so yeah, i really wish i could be spending the "holiday" with some of you....but alas, we can't all have what we want right? i probably won't even make it to the bbq with lan, but ish all good meng. unless i get back in time....but we'll see. anyway, you all have a wonderful 4th of july weekend....i'm going to say hello to my bed. adieu! *hug* & *mwah*

Thursday, July 01, 2004

friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime....

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love! is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. * * * * * you know you have your "season" friends, and your friends for a "reason", but the ones i live for are the ones for a "lifetime". not all of those friends read this, but they know how much i value them. i mean the "season" friends are nice, but they never last all year long. i don't have much "reason" friends, even they don't have much of a lifespan... those "lifetime" friends, those are the ones who'll be there. you can count on them, they can count on you....and regardless if you haven't talked to them in a while--they're still there. you can NEVER get rid of them, no matter what you do. believe me, i thought i lost some of them...but i didn't. and when i make a friend, and i believe in them--they never lose me. and the ones that are really good, good, bestest ever friends, they know when to push and when to step....THAT'S what makes a friend, and that is why i value each and every one of them. i LOVE you guys. *mwah*