those were the days...

a year ago i was so carefree, didn't give a daymn 'cause there was always tomorrow. the closer things get (or seem to get) the more i think of what i haven't done yet, or what i want to do before eventually picking up and going. i know this is all premature, i'm just preparing myself just in case i get good news (you never know--i just like being prepared). and to some i've become "different", or "distant"....sorry, just been really busy with all that is buzzing in my head. those that know me well, don't take it too personal--besides i've already started preparing them. i'm "focusing" on particular people....prioritizing if you will. and i'm assuming/accepted that everyone will (or mostly everyone) will understand. i feel like i'm on some kind of deadline, like i gotta get this and this done by this date otherwise everything will fall apart. don't get me wrong, i thrive for this kind of thing--it is my essence. it's just weird going through it all again. the nervousness, the excitement....all the possibilities. i also feel like i gotta schedule everyone in (too bad i never got the replacement calendar for my day runner--like i ever use that thing anymore), i do have to make plans with all my bay area people (i actually was told i MUST). i mean if i don't go now, that just means that i have a year to take care of things as opposed to two months. that does sound appealing mind you, but two months sounds way better. it's a rush, and i know some of you don't understand...but it's okay--you don't have to. i miss the days that i just did whatever, whenever. now i'm saving whatever i can, bringing lunches, not going out (again). i'm actually preparing myself for when i'm going to be a starving student again (maybe i'll lose even more weight). heh. i really can't wait, it's like when i first moved to la...that kind of excitement. i mean sure, i would like to move 3,000 or so miles away from home to try something new, it's scary--but i think i'm ready for it. those that oppose me can stay the hell away. the engine started a while ago, and i'm finally doing it (hopefully anyway). those that had no faith, step. and yes regardless when...i'm still going (so please don't get in the way--or try to make me feel bad). i know some people were laughing at me thinking i'd never amount to anything...but look at me now man. i might not have the house, or the family car (or the gigantic ring on my finger)...but i'm not settling for anything. all you non-believers stay away, cause one way or another i'm going to get my masters....and i'm going to make a difference in this daymn world. no matter how big, or how small the dent is...i'm gonna do it. you might not think so, but i do...and that's all that matters.