Friday, June 24, 2016

Don't expect too much.

That's the message I got from my run earlier. K still talks to me, she helps me make sense of things. 

Do things out of the good of your heart, do them for you, with no expectations in return. It's a shame that at the very baseline you won't get that respect back, but now, that's what I expect in return. 

I'm also learning not to bend for people so much. I do, do too much...for people who don't give a rats ass. Or they just end up taking from you. That's the most annoying part about it all. I grew up learning to help others, always care...but in this world, it's not like that. 

Lesson learned. Maybe it's the social worker in me wanting to always help out. I need stronger boundaries. At least I'm learning, you learn something new everyday. 

Expect less, if any. Expect nothing, don't bend, just let it all go. 

Sunday, June 19, 2016

On the 5th day of our cruise, we went to Katakolon, Greece.

Before I went to grad school in 2005, we went on a 2 week cruise to the Greek and Mediterranean Islands.  My room was with Kristy and Noel, and we (if I remember correctly) were in the front of the ship (or the back).  Anyway, that's all besides the point.

It was a family trip with all of us, pre-nephew.    It was an amazing time visiting all the different cities in Greece and Met Islands, my favorite was day 5.  Why you ask?  We said hello to Zeus and Hera.  Also, I ran on the original track of the Olympics, well, I ran, then Noel and Kristy raced after me.  I also ran in half sneakers as my mom didn't bring extra sneakers, so me being the dutiful daugther let her use mine.  Out of all the days on this cruise, this was my absolute favorite.

We all raced around taking pictures everywhere.  It was a non touring day, my mom made that day happen.  We had to figure out how to get there on our own.  If I knew how to do a handstand back then, I would have done was that awesome.  Just seeing the history of what is Katakolon, it was amazing, I can't even put it in words.  I felt honored to be there, taking in the sights, and just being silly with all my siblings.

Afterwords we all separated.  Noel, Kristy and I decided to go shoppng in the area.  Kristy found these really cool Greek rings and she bargined for her and me.  She got one in silver, mine was in gold. So we kinda twinsied then.   A year later, I lost mine...and I have been searching for a replacement since then.  I always remove my rings to wash my hands, I'm more careful now.

I haven't really found a good enough replacement, at least nothing that could compare to them.

So when Noel asked me what I wanted of Kristy's, you can probably guess what I asked for .  It's a little snug because Kristy's fingers are smaller than mine and it's been so hot lately, but when it cools down it's the perfect size.  Thank you Kristy, I promise, I won't loose this one.  This one fits much better than the ring you made for me, and this means so much more to me.  

Love you lots, K.  Miss you so so much.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

2nd to last treatment

My baby just had his second to the last treatment today, he was a good boy today.  Wasn't nervous at all, well, until he layed down.  He initially ran around the room and barked at the nurses, then he eventually calmed down.

He's in remission, and I can't believe we're almost done with his 15 weeks of treatment.  This has been a tough time for my family.  First we lost Kristy during this process, then my boy getting Muticentric Lymphoma and beating it.  I know it may or may not come back eventually, since they said it will, but like I said before...we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

But I am thankful that we were able to do this treatment in the first place, so again, I am thankful for those who have donated to my boy, my family.  He is able to beat cancer because all of you.  This is the best part of it all, he is still with us because my friends and family have supported us during this time.  So thank you to everyone who has supported us by your words, your donations, and your love.  We appreciate it all.

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

When it's on paper, it's official.

I didn't think it would be this quick & these past few weeks, I really haven't known what to do w/ myself. But it's all real. It's not a fluke, because I got my license in the mail. 

I haven't had to study, practice test, go over my note cards, or have everything social work in my head. It's so weird. For the past 4 years, it's all I've obsessed about. 

Things just fell into place this year. As if it were meant to happen this way. I have to admit, I think I had help...especially scheduling & helping me with my anxiety issues. 

This hasn't been the best year. But, things happen as they're supposed to happen. It's been hard, but you move forward, knowing she's in a better place. 

You still miss them, I miss her. You'll never feel complete. But you know they're always there with you. She's in a better place, she's no longer hurting. I feel comfort in that. She helps me when I run. She's more like Storm in my mind. She controls the weather & reminds me to focus so I don't get hurt. 

When I look up myself on Breeze, she's there. I think she'll be there whenever I do a search. She will always be there. But I don't cry, now I hold my head high & remember all the good times. All the time spent together. Those two weeks are so special to me. 

It's all so surreal, like it's not happening, but it is...and I got the paper to prove it. 

Wednesday, June 01, 2016

5 weeks to the day 💙💜

It's been 5 weeks to the day & I miss you. 

I do searches for myself on the BBS's site & your name is there. I see you everywhere. I talk to you more now than before. 

You are with me wherever I go & you help me figure things out. I miss your perspective, I miss how you make everything better, I miss you. 

Oh my beautiful sister n law, you are so special to all of us. I miss you so much. I don't cry as much & I can get myself to not get to that point. I think you're with me when I run, because you're free. 

I know you're in a better place, but I do miss you. I just wanted you to know that. 

Love you lots, K. 💜💙