I made it. So it's official, I sent my application & paid the fee tonight. The night before the deadline. It took me literally 3 hours to write my personal statement, so thank you Ollie, Maliza & Lissa, for helping me with all the revisions, "fine tuning" and all that. I REALLY appreciate it. Now all I gotta do is wait for my transcripts and letters of recommendations to come in...then I can send them off. I hope I get in (Moms is cool with it too now). So with all that, I think I'll eat my dinner and crash. * * * * Dammit, with all my application stuff I almost missed who got kicked off American Idol. grrrrrrrr.....

"You can't change the world, but you can make a dent." I want to make a lot of dents....

It's not to late. Okay talked to someone at Rutgers, I didn't miss the deadline. However, the deadline is April 1st (she suggested that I get in all my info in ASAP). So please excuse me as I get my ass in gear. I feel like I'm back in school and I have a paper due on friday. So anyone that wants to help with the re-reads would be greatly appreciated. Wish me luck!

I must be doing something right. So today after step class one of the girls came up to me (haven't seen her in a while), she told me my back looks smaller...and I look skinnier. Wow! I haven't done anything either. In fact, I haven't been going to the gym as much as I used to. Maybe it's my lenten sacrifice, and cutting the carbs. I don't know, but hey man....I got props. That put a big ass smile on my face, and it wasn't even from a guy. =) Also, I've been kicking myself in the ass....why the hell didn't I check to see if I had to take the GRE? Why didn't I check for schools earlier? Stupid bills, if I paid them off earlier maybe I would have been more prepared. I mean, I could qualify for other ways to get into the M.S.W. program at Rutgers for Fall '04....or should I wait? But if I wait, will I lose my momentum? I could take my time writing my personal statement (and I need to do a kick ass one--since my g.p.a. wasn't all that). But if I qualify for those other options, will they give me enough time to write? I could use the rest of this time to save up money, and work on my statement. ahhhhhh, I don't know. I have no problem getting everything else together. arrgghhhhh. I hope I can find someone to talk to tomorrow at Rutgers. Maybe they can clear some things up for me....

Applications So I printed up all the applications that I needed to, and I was looking over Rutgers application....I DON'T have to take the GRE. I wasn't sure, so I got on the phone and called the Admissions Office....she confirmed it. I DON'T! So I have a new plan. I'm gonna get everything ready and apply to Rutgers for Fall '04, and IF I don't get in, or it takes them a while to get back to me...I'll take the GRE later on in the year. I don't really want to apply to any other schools, but I gotta have my back up plans. This is so cool, way less stress now. Now I must concentrate and write a bomb ass personal statement. Anyone wanna help me out? Whoooo ha!!!! If you could see the smile on my face. Hopefully, I won't have to subject myself to that hideous test....

When the Rain Falls Oh...oo oo I don't understand This should be so easy To just reach my hand And know the world is free But nothing's, as it seems I can tell you freely Touching's not the only way to feel. When the rain falls It's like heaven's crying When the name's all The difference that there is Cause tears are The same when they are trying to grow something good Out of all the pain There's no difference between the teardrops and the rain. I know you proudly say That I'm just talking crazy To think of life that way Means that I'm confused There's happy and there's sad But maybe yes just maybe The sadness can make the happiness more true. When the rain falls It's like heaven's crying When the name's all The difference that there is Cause tears are The same when they are trying to grow something good Out of all the pain There's no difference between the teardrops and the rain. Because I know the bones were necessary I don't let it bother me at all. When the rain falls It's like heaven's crying When the name's all The difference that there is Cause tears are The same when they are trying to grow something good Out of all the pain There's no difference between the teardrops and the rain. Oh...oo oo * * * * * I know, I know. I really liked the lyrics....

Prep Work I started taking the GRE Diagnostic and doing lessons...i'm in for a lot of work! My head hurts a bit, but I haven't studied for anything in like five years. I think I'll start off slow then bring it up a notch or more. I'm focusing more on the reading comp, and analogies....anything that's reading for now. I'm gonna take my time with the math, I think I'll need A LOT of help with that. I have to print out applications this week so I can mail the letter of rec part up to my old professor. There is just way to much to do. I really wanna do good on the GRE, too bad I don't know anyone that is a GRE prep specialist (if there is such a thing)...or have a math whiz that can help me out with math. Man, I'm only starting too....and I can't wait till it's all over. hahah j/k. They say that it's all about strategy, and learning how to read the GRE way. So maybe after I know how to read the GRE way I'll have to learn how to read the Masters way. I'm just so used to reading for pleasure, ahhhh those were the days.

Lazy days.... So after a day full of Robotech, laundry and napping...I finally got off my bed and updated my resume and wrote my letter of intent (thanks Grace!). It just went off to my old professor. I think I'm happy with it, yeah....I am. Man, I love Saturdays. Sleeping in, watching Alley McBeal and 90210, or whatevers on Disney channel (sorry to those who can't enjoy these days-but I'm enjoying them for you!). It's wonderful. I wish weekends could be longer, I also wish I had a transporter thing from Star Trek...I would so be somewhere else right now. Or I wish my closet was like the closet in Narnia, I'd just meet everyone there. I guess I just gotta be patient, plan my trips right....and save up my money. While I'm doing all that, I'll prep for the GRE. On that note ima go play with the CD. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. *HUG*

So fresh and so clean.... Clean up is done and over with (blog at least), I feel so fresh and so clean. Leaving the past where it belongs, and I'm going with the flow...takin' it all day by day. I gotta tell ya, it feels daymn good. No more second guessing, no more what if's....it's all about now, and what I gotta do to get me to where I want to be. Everyone tells me that "this" is healthy, and I gotta admit....I'm loving it. So onwards I go, got two people to write me letters of rec's....gonna take the GRE diagnostic test on the CD this weekend, write a letter of intent and update my resume so my old professor can write my letter (he is so cool--he took us to the pub on the day it closed for beer & pizza....sorry to everyone after me, ya'll got stuck with fast food instead of alcohol). Gotta go through my closet to get rid of stuff I never use, bags that have been collecting dust....and throw out stuff that haven't been touched since I moved in here. Man, I got a lot to do. I hope everyone's doing alright....my thoughts are always with you. *hug*

The past is the past.... You can't bring your past mistakes into your future, and you can't move on until you let go. So I'm following bumblebootie's cue....and I'm doing some spring cleaning. I was going to all together kill this, and just use my lj (but I love my setup too much--put too much effort into it dammit!!). So yeah, over the next few weeks I'll be cleaning out my blog, and my apt. It's about that time....

Getting ready.... So I've been getting tips on what I need to do to prepare myself for applying to schools for Masters Programs. I even found 3 of my old professors emails, and emailed them tonight to see if they would write me letters of recommendation (I hope at least one of them will). One of my JAC sisters is actually attending school in Quezon City, Philippines....I forget what Masters Program she's in, but she's been giving me lots of pointers. I have to write down all my ideas, 'cause I tend to forget a lot of what I come up with. If that makes any sense. The hardest part (I think) will be when I write my personal statement, but she told me to just write down my ideas....and when I'm ready I should just write it out first--then edit it. That actually makes a lot of sense, seeing that I usually edit as I go (I tend to throw out a lot that way). Who knows maybe something profound will come out of it. HA! With my luck it'll take me months and months, and I still won't be happy with it. I also went to the book store today and bought a couple of GRE prep books (thanks Lissa!), GRE for dummies, and the Kaplan review book (w/ cd). Everyone's been telling me that I can study by myself instead of taking the courses, the only part I'd need help with probably is the math. We'll we shall see, I'll prep by myself and see how I do....if I don't do that great I'll invest in Kaplan or Princeton Review. I even found some other schools to apply to, but of course my first choice is Rutgers (the program looks really good), I doubt I can get into NYU since my cumulative GPA sucks big beans. We'll see, I have my options. I hope I can go to a part time program, so I can actually afford for a roof over my head, and food to fill my tummy (even if I have to live off of P&J for the first year). I feel so focused right now, the next thing for me to do is clean out my apartment (and study of course). I gotta get rid of a lot of clothes and shoes, and all the crap I tend to collect. I'm a COMPLETE pack rat...and I hate it. Someone has got to help me control that...I keep everything. I have old Esprit bags that have holes, or the zipper is broken, or something is wrong...but they're still in my closet. If anyone can help me control that....it would be much appreciated. If you came to my apartment you would wonder how I was able to collect all the crap I have. I really need to get rid of a lot, cause I ain't draggin all my crap to the other side of the continental united states. heheh Lan already volunteered to help me move over there. RODE TRIP hahhah. I think I'll get movers for that, but mebe we'll drive my car over...who knows? But nonetheless, this is a wonderful feeling. I think the last time I felt like this, I just changed my major from Psychology to Political Science (then added on Sociology for my minor). It also could have been when I got my first "real" job and packed all my clothes (and my computer) in my car and drove down to Orange County. I love this feeling, it's that knowing feeling....that something great is about to happen. Now if this actually does happen....wow, i'd impress myself. So yeah, I'm actually starting to do this...I really like it.

On Signs... Have you ever asked for a sign, or you see signs just pop out of no where? You see, I like to ask for signs for everything (albeit a guy, or jobs...whatever)... it's like reassurance to me. Of course, I'm the only one seeing these signs and know what they mean--but regardless I ask, they come, I'm happy. Like for instance, when I did the Prayer to the Little Flower of Jesus...I got my sign on the 4th day (4 being my favorite number). Little things like that, or whenever I see a particular car on the freeway I think of what that represents to me, and I get all goofy happy. Is that weird? I mean, I'm sure there are signs everywhere (no not the stop, yield or go ones)...I see some everyday. I have conversations with people in my dreams, and they feel so real (sometimes I even have those same conversations with the people--in real life not a dream). I found something that I've been looking for, for years even...in a place I would have never thought to find it. Are these just coincidences? Or is it really a sign of things to come? Do they mean something, or is it just wishful thinking? I mean, people tell me to have faith...and I do. I just wonder sometimes....don't you?

Congratulations to one of my favorite Manongs... I just wanted to congratulate Manong Merrick and Jen, they're expecting a mini Lardizabaul in September!! hmmmm, a year after they get married...daymn Manong you get things done! *snap* hehehe I know you wanted to have a family for a long time, and I'm really happy that you're finally having your dream come true! CONGRATULATIONS!! =)

In preparation.... So I was driving up the 5 on my way home when it struck me....I have to write a personal statement, and prepare for the GRE. I thought, what better way to prepare then to use my blog (which by the way was the reason why I started blogging), I need to start working on my writing. You know, grammar, spelling.....all that crap. I'm going to start trying to use more 50 cent words, and try to write about issues, and things of more substance rather than my randomness. So yeah, the entire time I was on the 152 I had all these ideas for a new post....but as usual, I forgot them all. I need to write them all down before I forget, either that or bring a recorder with me and tape my ideas whenever I think of anything. It's just too bad I think of everything when I'm driving, or in the middle of a project. Isn't it weird how the mind works? * * * * So the weekend was good, saw my people....and I'm happy. I got my beauteous new Coach watch (yes, it's love). The band is different than the one on the website, but it's okay....it looks good and I like it. Besides, I can always order the band I want later, or pick it up. The Coach-Movado place is in one of my favorite places to visit (and maybe eventually move to) .... Jersey! Of all places right? It's probably far from where I usually stay, but then again....it is Coach. So maybe it'll be closer than I think. Anyway, so now I won't have to bother anyone or pull out my celly every time I want to know what time it is. So babygirl is all good now, I have to get my cousin to fix something else on her....but after that she'll be perfect once again. I have to check her fluids more often, and check her tires...I tend to let things like that slide, but my bro always gives me a lecture whenever I do that. We'll be back in the bay in another 3 months for her check-up with uncle Noel. * * * * * So I'm back in the smoggy La-La Land. It was like a 5.5 hour drive (maybe less-I didn't really pay attention to what time it was when I left), and with the ipod time went by real quick. iCar monster is wonderful, everyone with an ipod should get that for their car. Back to the normal work week....BLAH. I can't wait to go back to school, but until then I have to start prepping. Oh, and I have to go to the book store and grab a GRE book and research the courses I can take to prepare. ahhh, at least I know what I'm doing now. =)

losing my mind!!! so i was getting ready and packing for my trip home today, and i was all proud of myself for packing everything in the little bag. so i'm finishing up packing this morning and i thought i was done....so i talk to grace and she asks me how my watch is. i'm like oh man! i almost forgot to pack my coach gc!! which, as some of you know IS one of the main reasons of this trip! i also ALMOST forgot my digi!! i swear, i'd lose my head if it wasn't attached. so i'm all ready (i think) for my trip now. i even have the icar monster cable thing for the ipod, which by the way works perfectly! screw itrip!! it's all about icar cable!! so yeah, all i have to do now is make it through the day...i even slept well! so yay! i gotta make it to d&b's tonight, so hopefully nothing bad will happen, and no unsurprising red and blue lights will flash. yay, home home home!! happy friday everyone!! *mwah*

thoughts.... my thoughts and prayers are with a dear friend and his family. like i said, if i was there i'd do whatever i could...but since i'm not i'll keep praying my hardest that things will get better. *HUG*

happy day first of all i'd like to wish my oldest brother eric a happy, happy birthday!!!! you're sooooooooo old!!! and... happy st. patty's day everyone!!! don't drink and drive!!!

focusing so i was checking the net (as usual) for schools to apply too. i found out that rutgers offers a m.s.w. in their school of social work (they even have part-time!!). i find that to be fascinating. so now that i found a school to focus on (i'll look for more in the area also...of course), now i must start prepping for the gre. i think my plans are starting to come too fruition, or parts are at least. i'm still working on plan 1, but i can work on 2 while i'm working on 1. i can multi-task!! =)

ranking.... i just checked the mazda rev it up site. yay kristy!!! she was #1 out of all the female oc competitors!!!! i made it in the top 100 (#97 =) ), and noel is #31 in the pro category!! yay, i think they're going to laguna seca for the finals (like noel did last year)!! this is awesome! =) **edit: correction, kristy is the #1 female driver nationwide (so far), and if you're the #1 female competitor nationwide then you go to finals. good luck kristy, hope everyone else sucks!!

mazda rev'n it up my bro and his girlfriend kristy came down for the weekend for the mazda rev it up. =) this is the 2nd year mazda has done this type of nationwide competition, actually my bro was #1 in the san francisco competition last year....but he wasn't able to pull it off this year (but he redeemed himself in in this weekend's competition in the oc =]) here we are right before one of our practice runs... so yeah we had fun tearing up the cars!! i wasn't so happy with my first run but i cut off 6 seconds in my second run and i ended with a time of 38.109...this is actually my best time (even better than my last years time). my brother just kept telling me to have fun & go fast, so when i got in there i was just telling myself, "you're in babygirl, you can do it." i know that was gay, but hell.....IT WORKED!! took off 6 seconds, HELL YEAH! and maybe having the radio on calmed me down a bit...i was super nervous during all my runs except this one, so yeah....i was pretty happy with myself. check us out! so afterwards we went to the oakley factory (which is that cool looking building after all the mazda rev it up pics), it was pretty friken cool man. but i was super tired driving back to la (i think i dozed off a few times cause i had to catch up a few times), but while driving i was messing with my contacts cause they were buggin right.....it was SUPER dry (so dry it popped out!!). i couldn't get it back in (and everyone else was asleep), i had to play with it and just stick it on my eye and start crying when it started stinging so it would stay in. i almost freaked out, but we were in traffic anyway so i was going slow enough to handle my car and handle my contact. yes, i was fully awake after all that. after dinner we all went to watch the passion. oh man, that was brutal (granted i fell asleep for a little in the beginning), i couldn't watch some of the scenes (i even started doing the coughing thing that i do when i see something that makes me nauseous or what not). but from what everyone was saying, it was historically correct (verbage wise i suppose)....but man i got all emotional (i didn't think i would). man oh man. so my bro and kristy left a little while ago, but not before they left me the ipod that my mom won. actually, it's the "family" ipod that i'm taking care of (they want me to put all the music and what not on there). but hey it's pretty daymn cool, and from what i gather it's one of the best. so yeah, hope you all had a good weekend.....ima go play with the ipod now. *mwah*

i'm on the hunt for the perfect watch. i haven't really wore one in a while (cause i hate the line you get during the summer), but i hate asking for the time all the time (when i don't want to look at my celly). i don't like the metal bands cause it hurts my wrist (and ever since i lost weight it just spins round and round around my wrist--since i'm a lazy ass and don't wanna get that fixed). anyone have any suggestions? my old standards have always been fossil and swatch...but i'm checking out this tommy hillfiger watch and i'm totally diggin it. either a light, light metal band, or a skinny leather band (preferably black of course). **edit: i just found a coach watch that i'm drooling over. okay wallet or watch? i still have some gc's that ima spend next weekend when i go home....man this is a tough one!

random mutterings since someone is bored at work, and wants something to comment to here you go (i didn't tell you to give up chatting at work for lent, but whatever). i've been in a rather loopy type mood...happy yet loopy mood. maybe it's in the air, or maybe i'm just allowing myself to feel this way again....i don't care....i'm happy! and while i'm doing this one of my friends is asking me why i gave up sweets for lent, since it's so good for you. he keeps telling me all he bought, and i keep telling him how i can't eat any of that. then he tells me that everyone is selling chocolate, there's chocolate everywhere!! i keep seeing all the sweet tasty things that want to go in my mouth, but alas....i cannot have such things for 5 or so more weeks. i keep dreaming and craving for sweet things, i stare at them, i hear them calling my name. but no, i must be strong. i gave up a lot this lenten season, but since i gave up one thing that would be virtually impossible at this point in time, i had to give up the sweets along with. now i'm craving them, they want me as much as i want them. all my friends are eating them in front of me, or talking to me about them. i need it, i want it, i must have it, i will have it....in 5 friken weeks. grrrr, this is so frustrating (as frustrating as waiting for the other thing i gave up even). if you know what else i gave up then you know what i mean, but if not....well sorry for you then. don't get me wrong, i'm happy.... i'm just craving those things that i love dearly, that i want badly, that i desire, yearn, need.....

heat wave!! so apparently, all of cali is having a heat wave this week. i really shouldn't be complaining since i know the rest of the nation is like 40 below or something. sorry guys, if i could send you our heat....i so would. i just can't stand the heat, give me winter any day, winter in jersey or nyc even....i can deal with that. but with heat comes the excema flare ups (arrgghhhh that's the worst thing ever)!! i wish i would just grow out of that, they told me when i was little that i would....but nooooooo i'm 30 and i still get flare ups!!! THEY LIED!!!! they just probably didn't know as much as they know now, but still....i believed them. heh, anyway....in other news. i'm happy. i don't know why, i've been happy all daymn day long (and i can't figure out why). mebe it's cause i'm staring at pictures (i love pictures)....i'm surrounded by them at my apt, and here at work. i love seeing my people smiling at me....makes me feel that all is right with the world. hope you all are having a good day. =)

up on my wall this is my favorite "piece" up in my room (i have a thing for collages), if you wanna see a bigger version click on it. so, what's up on yours? yes, i'm bored & i'm finding ways to entertain myself....

i am beautiful, no matter what they say.... words can't bring me down. the calm after the storm, the agony after the defeat, the pain after the numbness, letting it all go. the pain in my chest, has left me. paranoia is gone. breathing has become easier. i can sleep a deep sleep. i feel sane once again. i feel again. and i am excellent (good, okay, amazing, beautiful). * * * * * * * * **edit: i have come to the realization that with time .... everything gets better.

congratulations patty & brent!! yay!!! someone finally tied that girl down! congrats girl! you better not move before i do!!! i'm so happy for you. =)

hey all you californians VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!!

It's My Life -no doubt It's funny how I find myself In love with you If I could buy my reasoning I'd pay to lose One half won't do I've wondered I've asked myself How much do you Commit yourself? It's my life Don't you forget It's my life It never ends (It never ends...) Funny how I blind myself I never knew If I was sometimes played upon Afraid to lose Oh, I'd tell myself What good do you do Convince myself Oh, It's my life Don't you forget Oh, It's my life It never ends (It never ends...) And I've asked myself How much do you Commit yourself? It's my life Don't you forget Caught in the crowd It never ends (its my life) It's my life Don't you forget Caught in the crowd It never ends (It never ends) Oh, It's my life... (oh its my life) Don't you forget... (don't you forget) Caught in the crowd... (caught in the crowd) It never ends (it never ends...) * * * * * * * * stuck in my head at the moment....