#alwaysinmyheart

Whenever I was injured, I always had someone to turn to. Today I didn't really have her to ask. Unless she was the one who helped me find my solution. She was my personal physical therapist, she even tried to give me a massage on one of our sleep over nights. Always the stubborn one. I just wanted her to get some sleep, but she never really did those nights when she was lucid or not so lucid.

We made a lot of memories over the years, but the best ones were when I stayed over to help. 

Oh I am praying taping, & the inserts will make my 20 miler tomorrow bearable. I just need to get through 20 miles before Big Sur. 

I ran it for her. Actually, this past year, when I started my streak, I always thought of her. One of my fastest 5ks was the day she left us. She is always in my thoughts & #alwaysinmyheart. 

So with each step, tomorrow is for you K. Santa Cruz, BSIM & Chicago. Whenever I run a race, it's for you & when I train, I will remember why. 

Thank you for reminding me. 💜💙

 

Distractions

I've come to realize that as a therapist I'm trained to figure out my own distraction techniques, however, the bad thing is that I have used a lot of distraction techniques over this entire past year.

I know it's a process & have been completely logical about my process. I don't know if it's because it makes it easier for me to deal with, or, that is just how I'm dealing. I started really resenting people who tried to tell me how I'm supposed to feel, so instead, I've just not. 

DABDA. I know what it means & I know it's different for everyone & she's meant something different to everyone. I know that, I get that. Again, I have been completely logical about it. Maybe it makes me unapproachable or maybe people who are uncomfortable with this...who knows. 

Doesn't matter, this year I've learned who are real & who don't even matter. That's really important in this process. I've also learned not to put expectations on anyone. Cause you'll just get disappointed & ive been disappointed a lot. I'm really over it. 

But back to distractions. I've used it since week 1, studying, testing, getting licensed, getting a new job, working 2 jobs...all the while making sure pup's okay, boyfriends okay, best friends & family are okay. Cause really best friends are family...running family included.  It really makes one tired & I am super tired, even if I get lots & lots of sleep on a quality bed. 

So I've noticed it, & this month is gonna be hard. I've accepted it. This entire year has been hard. I think I'm at the last D & A right now...with dabs of the first A. But if you really care, just make sure I don't go over the edge. I know I don't talk much about it, it's a defense. Trust me, I know. 

 

Goals

So I finally went to my annual doctors appointment to face the truth, I gained weight over this past year. After 2 years of keeping it down, I packed on 5 more lbs & that doctors scale was so painful to look at. I know this past year was full of change & painful things...but it's no excuse.

So I made up some goals for myself, which are the following:

Minimize sugar

Drink 2 of my big bottle of water a day

Focus on macros & lower my calorie intake

Don't push off my long runs (even when I am not feeling it)

Weigh myself truthfully even when I don't like what I see

Less cheat days

No fast food

That's all I have so far, I think that's a good list. Oh man, oh man. I'll get my labs soon & I'll take my Mammy on Monday. Health is so very important & I need to keep it up. If you're small like me, 5 lbs is a. If deal...

 

On the last day of my 42nd year

On the last day as a 42 year old this is what I have learned. You should never expect or have expectations from anyone, you'll get disappointed. I learned who my real people are this year. Death, is very hard to move forward from, I'm still trying, I miss K so much. 

If you keep pursuing your dreams, you'll achieve them. I finally got my L to my CSW. I can pretty much work all shifts in Crisis & probably at the MHCB (Mental Health Crisis Bed at CDCR). I can also assess the hell out of 5150 pts & suicidal/homicidal inmate/patients. In order to learn all of that, I had to take myself out of my comfort zone...work 16 months as the NOC Shift Crisis Intervention Specialist at Natividad Hospital. But hell, it might have sucked, I worked all the holidays, & weekends, lost sleep & barely saw my family (BUT I was there when you needed me most, thanks to all the vacation I earned)...I learned. 

My self care is still the same, I run, every single day. Especially when we lost K. I ran even more. I'm actually getting back my speed. It was so nice to hear her say that she admired my running & yoga. I appreciated it more since she's a PT & understood my need to keep at it. So for all of you who don't care for my workout posts, I don't care about that, people have reasons why we do things & this year especially, I needed more of my self care. 

So as I embark on my 43rd year of life, I will do more things. Try more things. Go on an actual vacation where I go on a plane. I know two trips so far, but I still want to go to Hawaii. I'm working on my passport for the Philippines trip & I'm running Chi-town in October. I will get all my CEU's done & I want to be trained in DBT & CBT officially. There's so much more that I want to do, but mostly, be there for my family & friends. 

But this year was significant in so many ways. Lots & lots of learning lessons. I learned the truth. Let's just say that. Thank you all for being a part of it...AND if I learned a lesson from you, good or bad, thank you.