Saturday, April 08, 2017

#alwaysinmyheart

Whenever I was injured, I always had someone to turn to. Today I didn't really have her to ask. Unless she was the one who helped me find my solution. She was my personal physical therapist, she even tried to give me a massage on one of our sleep over nights. Always the stubborn one. I just wanted her to get some sleep, but she never really did those nights when she was lucid or not so lucid.

We made a lot of memories over the years, but the best ones were when I stayed over to help. 

Oh I am praying taping, & the inserts will make my 20 miler tomorrow bearable. I just need to get through 20 miles before Big Sur. 

I ran it for her. Actually, this past year, when I started my streak, I always thought of her. One of my fastest 5ks was the day she left us. She is always in my thoughts & #alwaysinmyheart. 

So with each step, tomorrow is for you K. Santa Cruz, BSIM & Chicago. Whenever I run a race, it's for you & when I train, I will remember why. 

Thank you for reminding me. 💜💙

 

Tuesday, April 04, 2017

Distractions

I've come to realize that as a therapist I'm trained to figure out my own distraction techniques, however, the bad thing is that I have used a lot of distraction techniques over this entire past year.

I know it's a process & have been completely logical about my process. I don't know if it's because it makes it easier for me to deal with, or, that is just how I'm dealing. I started really resenting people who tried to tell me how I'm supposed to feel, so instead, I've just not. 

DABDA. I know what it means & I know it's different for everyone & she's meant something different to everyone. I know that, I get that. Again, I have been completely logical about it. Maybe it makes me unapproachable or maybe people who are uncomfortable with this...who knows. 

Doesn't matter, this year I've learned who are real & who don't even matter. That's really important in this process. I've also learned not to put expectations on anyone. Cause you'll just get disappointed & ive been disappointed a lot. I'm really over it. 

But back to distractions. I've used it since week 1, studying, testing, getting licensed, getting a new job, working 2 jobs...all the while making sure pup's okay, boyfriends okay, best friends & family are okay. Cause really best friends are family...running family included.  It really makes one tired & I am super tired, even if I get lots & lots of sleep on a quality bed. 

So I've noticed it, & this month is gonna be hard. I've accepted it. This entire year has been hard. I think I'm at the last D & A right now...with dabs of the first A. But if you really care, just make sure I don't go over the edge. I know I don't talk much about it, it's a defense. Trust me, I know. 

 


Sunday, January 15, 2017

Goals

So I finally went to my annual doctors appointment to face the truth, I gained weight over this past year. After 2 years of keeping it down, I packed on 5 more lbs & that doctors scale was so painful to look at. I know this past year was full of change & painful things...but it's no excuse.

So I made up some goals for myself, which are the following:
Minimize sugar
Drink 2 of my big bottle of water a day
Focus on macros & lower my calorie intake
Don't push off my long runs (even when I am not feeling it)
Weigh myself truthfully even when I don't like what I see
Less cheat days
No fast food

That's all I have so far, I think that's a good list. Oh man, oh man. I'll get my labs soon & I'll take my Mammy on Monday. Health is so very important & I need to keep it up. If you're small like me, 5 lbs is a. If deal...

 

Tuesday, January 03, 2017

On the last day of my 42nd year

On the last day as a 42 year old this is what I have learned. You should never expect or have expectations from anyone, you'll get disappointed. I learned who my real people are this year. Death, is very hard to move forward from, I'm still trying, I miss K so much. 


If you keep pursuing your dreams, you'll achieve them. I finally got my L to my CSW. I can pretty much work all shifts in Crisis & probably at the MHCB (Mental Health Crisis Bed at CDCR). I can also assess the hell out of 5150 pts & suicidal/homicidal inmate/patients. In order to learn all of that, I had to take myself out of my comfort zone...work 16 months as the NOC Shift Crisis Intervention Specialist at Natividad Hospital. But hell, it might have sucked, I worked all the holidays, & weekends, lost sleep & barely saw my family (BUT I was there when you needed me most, thanks to all the vacation I earned)...I learned. 


My self care is still the same, I run, every single day. Especially when we lost K. I ran even more. I'm actually getting back my speed. It was so nice to hear her say that she admired my running & yoga. I appreciated it more since she's a PT & understood my need to keep at it. So for all of you who don't care for my workout posts, I don't care about that, people have reasons why we do things & this year especially, I needed more of my self care. 


So as I embark on my 43rd year of life, I will do more things. Try more things. Go on an actual vacation where I go on a plane. I know two trips so far, but I still want to go to Hawaii. I'm working on my passport for the Philippines trip & I'm running Chi-town in October. I will get all my CEU's done & I want to be trained in DBT & CBT officially. There's so much more that I want to do, but mostly, be there for my family & friends. 


But this year was significant in so many ways. Lots & lots of learning lessons. I learned the truth. Let's just say that. Thank you all for being a part of it...AND if I learned a lesson from you, good or bad, thank you. 

 

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

It's been quite the year & eight months.

I've been at my current place of employment for a year & eight months. Two months into it I thought, what the hell was I thinking??  My focus soon became (as if it ever changed) just pass, pass that daymn exam. Of course come April I failed by 7. Got really mad at myself, then I saw the reality of my situation. How people on this "team" aren't abiding by our ethics, but I was also reminded that on this "team" it's not just MSW's. You'd think that if you were in this field, you'd want to help others, work together & be understanding. So not the case. I was upset about failing, so instead of talk to me about it, complain to your supervisor that I'm moody. That is the way you handle that type of situation. I learned early on to just shut up, it was like DMH all over again. 

That's just one of the many things that have happened while on this "team."   The way they treat you, it's like I was in Mean Girls, I couldn't believe it. Till this day I'm in Mean Girls. They don't work together & if you leave work for them, they question why you didn't do it. It's not like they have caseloads & it's not always busy.  Or if there's a change in your schedule & no one told them, they need to know why & again with the questioning. 

Not all on the "team" are bad. My supervisor is really trying, but it's hard to pull together a broken down group that refuses to work together. Talk behind everyone's back, that's what it's like here. Mean girls. I think I didn't push to change my shift because I didn't want to work on a shift with them. 

I have learned many things after working here: You can't trust people, you say one thing, they go & spread it. The trust circle needs to be tight.  I have stronger boundaries because I had to deal w/ a borderline who is probably bipolar as well.  You need breaks & as much as possible. If you don't want to say something, don't. You don't have to justify anything to anyone who's not your supervisor. Karma is a bitch & will bite you in the ass. But I knew that one already. 

I hope they learn lessons, I know I have. I do not wish bad things on anyone, but I do hope they learn. 



Thursday, August 25, 2016

Reflections

You come to a point where you're just done. You stop trying or doing because you trust your instincts, listen to your gut & know that what you've been feeling...it's true. 

People come in & out of your life, it's the constant cycle...and that's okay. Either they die, or you just start seeing them for what they've always been. 

Over these past few months I've seen things in a better light. Ive stopped adding in what I wanted to see & just observed what truly is there. It's a hard pill to swallow. 

People who are meant to be, they will always be there. But those others, for whatever reason, they'll eventually slip away...because really. Were they ever there to begin with? Or was it something I wanted them to be? Maybe they were there for what they needed to be & you just grew apart. It happens. 

Sometimes you just get tired of all the bull shit they keep spewing & it's nicer to stay away. Cause people grow apart, the ones that stay, those were truly there, in good & especially the hard times. Some say they tried, but if they actually -tried- they would still at minimal give you the benefit of the doubt & maybe still be around. 

I'm just done. Tired. Because if they were true, they wouldn't have even ventured off, no matter how hard things got or were. Death, good things, bad, terrible, happy, they'd still care enough to be around or figure out what went wrong. But they didn't. So I will just take their lead, and bid adieu. 

You always know who are the ones who are true, you just know. 


Saturday, July 02, 2016

In a few days...

It's July and on Tuesday it's K's birthday & she would have been 37.  She's five years younger than me.  I miss you every day.  If you weren't in Hawaii celebrating, the family would have gotten together. It's your birthday weekend. Ironically, you are in Hawaii celebrating. Your family & my brother are all there...setting your ashes free. I wish I had the vacation time & money to join you. We could of celebrated passing, cause you know, that's the plan. 

It still hurts that you're not with us. But I find you everywhere I go. Of course not when I dropped my phone, but I thought, eh, it's just water & I have insurance. Not everything is a tragedy, we can find solutions to everything. You always helped me see that, even when things feel impossible, it's not. Not that a water logged iPhone is impossible...it was just something that I figured out. 

So now let's say I value everything more, people, puppies, time, my favorite things. I make sure I spend more time with mom & dad. Not to ask them to do things. But to have a meal or beer with, or to call more often. I listen to their stories more, don't worry so much & not let things get to me. 

I try and show those who are important to me, how they make me feel. I think that's what you were doing more and more. It's not fair that we lost you so young, it's just not. But I don't want to dwell on things. Like my hair. I'm not making a big deal of it, it's just hair. At least I figured out what to do with it...you probably guided me to ask Chriss to help me out with it. It's not the end of the world, it's temporary. This too shall pass. 

I wear your ring every day. Thankfully I lost enough weight that it actually fits. It reminds me of that amazing trip, a few months before you & Noel's wedding. I practiced so hard on that song for your wedding, it was an honor to sing for you both. I didn't care for that preacher guy that kept looking at me to hint to stop. It hurt to sing that same song at your celebration of life. It hurt so bad. It hurt so much that when people tried talking to me about "cancer awareness" I shut them out. I learned that people deal with death weird & close that part out, and since I'm still grieving I don't really care or open up as much. 

Am I okay? Your birthday is in 3 days & I hate that we can't talk to you. My last text with you was about Big Sur Marathon & how I thought of you to power through on that painful course. You left us that week, I started my run streak before you left us. I talk to you whenever I run. I feel you when I run, I hear you, see you in the beauty of each flower. I miss you every day. 

I miss my sister.  You both would have made awesome parents. You are an amazing person. You make me want to be a better person. To pray out loud. To forgive people who have hurt me. To let those who annoy me, not get to me. You were amazing the entire time.  I miss our sleepovers. Those were the best. I'm sorry if I hurt you initially, I didn't know how to clean properly, but I learned. I would do it all again & again if we can bring you back. But when you do, you have to be cancer free. 

I hope you're having an amazing birthday weekend with your family. I love you & miss you so much. 

Happy birthday, K.