Tuesday, March 25, 2003

things to keep in mind a good friend told me last night. . . it's not what's wrong with me. . . what's wrong with them???

I guess sometimes insomnia is good. . . interesting conversations are brought about by old friends.

Why? *btw insomnia sucks

Tuesday, March 04, 2003

here's more. . . couldn't stop cracking up, bet my office mate thinks i've gone mad. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten. Born free... taxed to death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer. If: a two-letter word for futility I don't care, I don't have to. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. Horn broken, watch for finger. All men are idiots ... I married their king. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. My kid had sex with your honor student. Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later. Give pizza chants. Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail. This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way. How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks! If something goes without saying, LET IT! If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply Work is for people who don't know how to fish. IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now. Life's a buffet... so eat me! I'm just driving this way to piss you off. If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires. I love cats ... dead ones I love cats ... they taste just like chicken Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket? I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything. Keep honking, I'm reloading. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Prevent inbreeding: ban country music. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Spotted owl taste just like chicken. Hang up and drive. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition. This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me. I have the body of a god... Buddha! I get enough exercise pushing my luck. Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy If you don't like the news, go out and make your own. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep Guns don't kill people... but they make it real easy. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Tow-ers will be violated If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off
so okay, got this off my message board: One liners for the stressed and irritated 1."Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf**k you!!!" 2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!" 3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?" 4. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up" 5. "Well aren't we a Bloody ray of sunshine?" 6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after." 7. "Do I look like a f**king people's person!?" 8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting" 9. "I started out with nothing & still have most of it left" 10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me" 11. "YOU!!... off my planet!!!" 12. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose" 13. "Practise random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control" 14. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed" 15. "And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?" 16. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years." 17. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer." 18. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed" 19. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?" 20. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable" 21. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet" 22. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura." 23. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too." 24. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?" 25. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor." 26. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it." 27. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead." 28. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality" 29. "Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done." 30. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no." 31. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?" 32. "Earth is full. Go home." 33. "Aw, did I step on your poor itty bitty ego?" 34. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert." 35. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth." I couldn't stop laughing. . . good shit right there. wheeeeeee!!!! *mwahs*