On the eve of my 49th year....

So this year has been filled with a lot of up's and downs to say the least...  

• My second oldest brother moved away to another country, then he got married towards the end of the year. 
• I PR'd for the 10k and 5k, and I did sub 2 a half this year, not my best sub 2, but I did it.  Also, because I paced a faster group I PR'd at SFM - First Half.  But didn't do that great for the marathon.  Let's just say the last part of the year wasn't great for my running.  But to be fair I ran a marathon the weekend before I ran Monterey Bay Half so I missed another sub 2 by seconds...
• I have been working through an old injury, with recently another injury started bothering me, but I figured what I needed to do to rehab and heal quicker. 
• My Ninang died earlier in the year.
• My Pug Love, Lizzie Loo Loo decided to go to the Rainbow Bridge to join her younger/bigger brother. After she reached her 15th birthday.  Oh how I miss her howls, but I understand it was her time to leave us.
• A long time relationship ended for me, but to be fair it has been fading.
• I am exploring a situation, and it makes me happy. Haven't felt that feeling in a long time.
• Toki and Boston are quite healthy, they dislike each other strongly, but that's how they roll.

So what did I learn?  Happiness does not hide in being content or complacent.  I was perfectly content being unhappy.  I found other ways to find some happiness or satisfaction. I turned off feelings and told myself that this is what it would be like for the rest of my life.  Like I had no control of my feelings, which as a therapist, I know is not true.  The only thing I truly have control of is my actions and my feelings.  So once I fully allowed myself to let go...I surprised myself to find myself in something else, a situation if you will, that makes me happy.  Now I know I'm going to take my time to fully heal.  I sometimes get mad at myself for not leaving earlier, but what good would that be to keep getting mad at myself?

I have to trust myself more.  So moving forward, I choose myself, and I choose those that make me happy.  Like puppies who go crazy for treats, running shoes, running clothes and things that make my heart happy.

Looking back at my life, I'm not exactly at where I thought I'd be at 49 or even the eve of 49.  I've done a lot of silly things in the past, but I'm still here, growing, evolving.