Tuesday, July 13, 2004

tuesday bloody tuesday...

and the funny things people say i think i want a "subheading" line added to my template. anyone know how to add that? anyway....so it was after step class last night and i was walking to the garage with one of my "steppers". he asked me what i was going to do, i replied....sleep. he goes, you know in new york they would go home and take a nap, then start clubbing at 1am, party till 5, go home then go to work at 7am (rinse, repeat). now mind you, i didn't even mention new york/jersey...or the fact that i'm hoping to move there next month (dammit, i want my acceptance letter already!!). he just started giving me tips on how "new yorkers" do the night life. i thought that was weird. then before i left work i was talking to big boss...she asked me if i went to the company party this past saturday (i didn't), i gave her some excuse...even though i didn't really hang out with broski. she was all talking about how the office supply peeps went without the kiddies to play with, since i told her that i went to disney earlier in the year with lan and the kiddies...i didn't think i'd have any fun without them. *shrug* she was all, well next year you should go--if your brother doesn't come down again. all i said was we'll see, but in my head i was thinking....i might be leaving next month (*twiddles thumbs*). i just think it's weird how some people are just randomly starting to talk to me, always asking how i am...how i'm doing. it's just weird. i know a few weeks, or maybe even a month ago they were all just letting me be (me and my quiet little self). but now, everyone is stopping by to talk to me (not just ordering me around). it's weird. maybe i am in the alchemist, and i'm finally taking a notice of what's going around me rather than passively walking by. weird. on 6th sense my 6th sense thing is starting to bug again. i hope my aunt's okay...i'm surrounded by death (not me personally--but by my people). a dear, dear friend's lolo passed recently (your family is always in my thoughts & prayers), and random relatives are passing. i'm having thoughts again about people...it scares me when i do. sometimes it actually means something (especially when momma is having thoughts too). i think it's 'cause we're all getting older, and the older we get--the older they get. it's inevitable i know, it just sucks. but you know, things happen for a reason. they're in a better place (at least that's what i tell myself). and on that "things happen for a reason" saying...do you ever wonder if this and this didn't happen, i wouldn't be here (or there)? or i wouldn't be thinking of this (or that). me and lan were discussing that the other day. if some things didn't happen, then some people would still be around us. but i think (we actually), that there is a bigger picture....or a "goal" if you will. and to get to this "goal" things have to happen (or leave....whatever), and no matter what it takes to get to this "goal" people will come or go. like "he/she" i.e. "god", "buddha", "higher entities", etc. has a master plan for all of us....and no matter what, we will all get there (even if it causes heartache, pain, numbness, etc.). i felt a little better after that, like my reasoning (no matter what it is, or was) doesn't matter--cause whatever it is/was it got me to this point in my life. you know, things do happen for a reason...it's all the questions--not the answers. especially if people are blowing shit up your ass (what do THEY know anyway right?). besides, no matter what it takes you will get to the "master plan"....everything always seems to fall into place. people always have their "opinions" on things, but that's all it is, not like it's actual "fact"-even if they think it is. god, if i had a dolla' for every time someone said they know it to be true because they're being "real" or whatever...i probably could pay for my out-of-state tuition based on that! yes, please tell me what you are, cause i probably couldn't figure it out on my own! okay i'm rambling, i think i've said enough. enjoy peoples!

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