Wednesday, August 18, 2004

i'm stronger than i look..

but when you hit that spot, i'll bleed...or break down (either one really). i used to think i was invincible, that no one could break down the walls that i created...i would cry for no one. but you know, the older i get...the more emotional i have become. sucks i tell you. my body has been breaking down too, i have sprained my ankle at least once for the past 2 or 3 years...and i got a charlie horse after running sometime last year. i found out this year that my cholesterol is getting a tiny bit high, and i'll eventually get diabetes since it runs in my family (and i love that sugar in my coffee). maybe in highschool i would cry after every boy that broke my "heart", then in college i started to define anything that had to do with the heart as a "concept". i think that has carried on to today. it's a very well guarded part of me, and good thing too...people like to try to rip it apart. maybe that's why i am the way i am now, especially with my friends. i try to protect them, i won't lie to them...i like being straight with them (now). if something is really bothering me now, i'll say it (i'll watch my verbage of course, but in the end i'll get my point across). but i'm very loyal to those that i consider friends, especially my best friends and good friends. nothing can come between that...nothing. that of course makes me sensitive to if somethings going on with them, i try to make sure they know i'm there for them (no matter what--distance means nothing to me!) and if i think somethings wrong between us, then i'll try to fix whatever it is (even if really there's nothing--it's my daymn imagination i tell you). so lately i think i've been on "ultra-sensitivity mode", i don't know just started popping up lately. all my insecurities have started to surface, and i know i'm faulty (i'm working on it), my "paranoidness" has started setting in...i'm learning how to "let go" of things. sometimes i feel that it get's too much, i start to get "emotional" (no you's not PMS). it's hard to explain, sometimes i just want to shut everyone out--other times i want to let everyone in. but no matter what, i have learned to speak my mind. sometimes i feel like i'm ganging up on someone, being too sensitive to things that i think are going on--but at the same time i feel like i'm pushing them away while doing that. maybe i do that on purpose (not a test or anything), it's just i have to make sure (otherwise it'll just eat at me to no end). it's weird really. but just know that i'm working on it. it's really hard when my imagination starts playing tricks on me, i have these vivid dreams with some people (to the point that i start questioning if these things happened--or not--or if they're "premonitions" [which really scares me]). hard to explain really. i start to distance myself, or bring myself closer, or stay in the middle. sometimes i feel like a yo-yo. sometimes i think i'm doing it to find a way out (even when i know i'm still in it). i guess i've had to much time on my hands (can't wait till school starts--half a week to go!) i don't know. it's usually just easier to let things go, completely. shut the door. walk away. but for some reason, i can't walk. something holds me to where i am. i'm on pause. but at the same time, i'm doing new things. trying to open up, but remembering the past (trying not to make those same mistakes). but while remembering everything, little things here and there start to re-surface and those insecurities start to pop up here and there. i know, i've been through a lot--everyone has. these past few years have been really trying on the soul. but, i am still standing...and i'm going for my goals (as most of you know i'm very goal oriented). i might not be all together here, and some of you might think i've completely lost my mind. yes, i do think the worst (and i'll come up with the worst possible senario)'s just that it's been really bad, and every time i made a bet with myself on something bad--it comes true. well maybe i haven't won all the bets i made with myself, but a good number of them i have. those that i lost, i have learned to let go...those that i won, well...still working on it. that's when the yo-yo set's in, and it starts my never ending cycle. but seeing that i'm still around, still on my own, and my ankle's haven't been sprained lately...i think for the most part, i'm alright. i've learned to live with some things, other things i have sadly let go. but the things that i have now, i hold dear to. i will protect everything and everyone as much as i can. i might be silent, i might just watch. but when i speak, please listen. sometimes i don't even have to say a word--just hear me out. don't talk over me, don't push me out of your way, and don't push me. don't give me a label, i've already given myself one. i'm figuring things out for myself, and i'm trying to not break me in the process (nothing else has). so yeah, i am stronger than i look. i'm finally realizing that. my silver lining is starting to appear. i'm just taking it day by day. i still have hope, i hold that the dearest...above all else.

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