Friday, April 23, 2004

on motivation i finally got the nerve to tell my other best friend about my future plans, and applying to rutgers. i know she means well, and she can only go by my past....or what she's seen, but i know deep down she thinks i'm going there for other reasons. i get the feeling that other people are thinking the same thing too...and it pisses me off. what everyone doesn't see is what i feel, what motivates me to do as i do. when i moved to la i didn't move for my boyfriend at the time, i moved because of a promise i made to myself while i was at state....i wanted to move to southern cali as soon as i graduated-and i did just that. granted i didn't have many friends down there, and i hung out with his people...and they became my people. that's normal. but eventually i did branch out (like i always do) my bearings then went with it. yeah, i don't go out as much as i'd like to...but that's more of a fund issue than anything. i only started going out more this year because of a recent raise, and donations from my loved ones. i could have gone out if i wanted to, but i never felt a need to....or wanted to reach out. granted, i didn't experience all there is here in la (and there's a lot)...but if i REALLY wanted to, i would have. i apparently didn't want to. now people are questioning why i want to go to the east coast, and they're all thinking one thing. it's as if i don't have a mind of my own, or a friken back bone. just like i say in my personal statement, i want to experience life out there, and just live. before i moved out i was completely when i moved out, it was a shock....a complete shock to me. i had so much freedom i didn't know what to do with myself. i've seen all i wanted out here, and to be frank....i'm tired of it. the only thing i'll really miss (if accepted) is my people. i've been all over cali and back. i can do that drive from so cal to nor cal in 5.5 hours, and tell you all the stops in between. i used to give people tours of the bay area, and i'll drive you around la if you wanted. i've experienced all i could in cali and i'm ready for more. how hard is it for people to believe that i want to step out of the box and try something new? i'm going to force myself to go out, make new friends, get into study groups, join whatever groups they have at school, go see spoken word, try some spicy foods, walk all over the city, learn the subway system, and maybe even attempt to drive in the city when necessary. i'm just so tired of people thinking i'm only motivated by one thing. yeah okay, sometimes i am, but i'm learning from my mistakes....and the past is the past! i'm not doing this to prove a point, i'm doing this so i can experience something different, something exciting....and be able to look back and say-yeah, i did that. how hard is that to believe? i'm doing this for ME, not anyone else. i know people out there are thinking i'm fooling myself. but unless you step into my shoes, and go inside my head and KNOW what i'm thinking or feeling then you DON'T know. i'm so tired of people trying to tell me what i'm feeling or thinking. i mean, don't you want to step outside the box? some of you already had that experience of living in new york, europe or wherever. why can't i do it? this is just the right time for me to start something new, apply myself. i finished paying off all my bills, and it's just time for me to start doing what I want to do. is that so hard to believe? if the timing was finally right for you, are you telling me you wouldn't go do something that you've been dreaming about for years?

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