terrorist threats and the thought of death

so the mall that's behind my building is having a bomb threat, that one and the west side pavillion. security is at an all time high today, no deliveries, and security was watching us as we all drove into the structure. everyone's being really quiet, that or they're not in the office. it's been all over the news (ever since last night at least), and the first phone call of the day was from mommy (i knew it was her as soon as my phone rang). i've been telling everyone that IF anything were to happen--it's been really nice knowing them. i mean it too, but everyone just think's that's crazy talk. but i've been thinking about that...like, if i were to die right this minute--i'd be okay with it. granted, i don't have a family of my own (i'd really like to one day), and i haven't obtained my masters yet (*crosses-fingers*), and i'm not rollin in my porshe yet....i'd be okay with it. i mean you're supposed to live life to it's fullest, no regrets right? granted there are a few things i regret doing--but you live and you learn. this doesn't mean i want someone to come up to me and shoot me in between my eyes--i'm just saying i'll be okay if it's my time. who knows MAYBE they'll come through and do something to the mall and get us at the same time...you never know. i mean, don't ya'll ever think of death? not actually committing suicide, but if you were in that situation and you can go towards the light, or stay where you are....what would you do?

acrophonology: what's in your name?

eileen joy: You have a need to communicate and express yourself. You are inclined to over intellectualize, and hate to be misquoted. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You conduct yourself in a fair and just manner. You enjoy watching or participating in sports. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. Your independence and freedom are important to you. e: You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. You are clever, inventive, imaginative and youthful. You enjoy socializing. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You need to learn flexibility. esporo: You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You have a need to earn money to prove your success to society and must learn the true value of material gains and status. You have a talent for working with people on a one to one basis. You need to learn flexibility. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You need to learn flexibility. * * * * try it--acrophonology of you

WHY BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE? To the question why bad things happen to good people, here's a simple answer. It doesn't really help when bad things do happen, but it's a way of looking at things. A ninety-one year old woman died after living a long dignified life. When she met God she asked him something that had long bothered her. If Man was created in God's image, and if all men are created equal, why do people treat each other so badly? God replied that each person who enters our life has a unique lesson to teach us. And it is only through these lessons that we learn about life, people, relationships and God. This confused the woman, so God began to explain. When someone lies to you, it teaches you that things are not always as they seem. The truth is often far beneath the surface. Look beyond the masks people wear if you want to know their heart. And remove your own masks to let people know yours. When someone steals from you, it teaches you that nothing is forever. Always appreciate what you have, for you never know when you might lose it. And never, ever take your friends and family for granted because today is the only guarantee you have. When someone inflicts an injury upon you, it teaches you that the human state is a fragile one. Protect and take care of your body as best you can, it's the only thing you are sure to have for as long as you live. When someone mocks you, it teaches you that no two people are alike. When you encounter people who are different from you, don't judge them by how they look or act; instead base your opinion on the contents of their heart. When someone breaks your heart, it teaches you that loving someone does not always mean that person will love you back. But don't turn your back on love because when you find the right person, the joy that one person brings will make up for all the past hurts put together. Times ten. When someone holds a grudge against you, it teaches you that everyone makes mistakes. When you are wronged, the most virtuous thing you can do is forgive the offender without pretense. Forgiving those who have hurt us is the most difficult and courageous thing man can do. When a loved one is unfaithful to you, it teaches you that resisting temptation is man's greatest challenge. Be vigilant in your resistance against all temptation. By doing so you will be rewarded with an enduring sense of satisfaction far greater than the temporary pleasure by which you were tempted. When someone cheats you, it teaches you that greed is the root of all evil. Aspire to make your dreams come true, no matter how lofty they may be. Do not feel guilty about your success, but never let an obsession with achieving your goals lead you to engage in malevolent activities. When someone ridicules you, it teaches you that nobody is perfect. Accept people for their merits and be tolerant of their flaws. Do not ever reject someone for imperfections over which they have no control. Upon hearing the Lord's wisdom, the old woman became concerned that there were no lessons to be learned from man's good deeds. God replied that man's capacity to love is the greatest gift he has. At the root of all kindness is love, and each act of love also teaches us a lesson. The woman's curiosity deepening, God once again began to explain. When someone loves us, it teaches us that love, kindness, charity, honesty, humility, forgiveness and acceptance can counteract all the evil in the world. For every good deed, there is one less evil deed. Man alone has the power to control the balance between good and evil, but because the lessons of love are not taught often enough, the power is too often abused. When you enter someone's life, whether by plan, chance or coincidence, consider what your lesson will be. Will you teach love or a harsh lesson of reality? When you die will your life have resulted in more loving or hurting? More comfort or pain? More joy or sadness? Each one of us has power over the balance of love in the world. Use it wisely. Don't miss an opportunity to nudge the world's scale in the right direction.

personal journey have you ever felt that you're destined to do something more? like you wake up every day, and you wished you weren't going to work, or where you were going....but that you wished you were going some place that meant more to you? that's how i've been feeling for the past year or so. i hate waking up and going to my daily destination, and no matter what happens i'm gonna keep hating it until i move on--move on to something that i've wanted to do for years. after the first couple of years of living out in la i started to really hate the path i was on. those around me thought everything was peachy keen (with the exception of my moms), i just felt like there was so much more that i could be doing....maybe that's when the depression hit (and maybe i haven't been out of it till recently). maybe that's why i never went out, i never tried anything new because i thought that nothing would come of it. then things started happening once i paid off all my bills, opportunities started popping up....one after the other. i couldn't ignore the signs anymore. now more signs are popping up, and omens too....it's just so weird. not a bad weird, a great weird. it's a i wish it happened earlier, and i'm hoping it'll only get better from here kind of deal. everyone's personal journey is different, and it comes to you at different periods in your life....as long as you achieve it is what matters--or as long as you attempt to achieve it, i should say. some people get distracted or things pop up to de-rail you from your destination--i'm hoping that doesn't happen to me. i hope you all achieve yours, thank you to those who are helping me along my way....

listen to your heart "My heart is a traitor," the boy said to the alchemist, when they had paused to rest the horses. "It doesn't want me to go on." "That makes sense," the alchemist answered. "Naturally it's afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you've won." "Well, then, why should I listen to my heart?" "Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you're thinking about life and about the world." "You mean I should listen, even if it's treasonous?" "Treason is a blow that comes unexpectedly. If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that to you. Because you'll know it's dreams and wishes, and will know how to deal with them." "You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it's better to listen to what it has to say. That way, you'll never have to fear an unanticipated blow." The boy continued to listen to his heart as they crossed the desert. He came to understand its dodges and tricks, and to accept it as it was. He lost his fear, and forgot about his need to go back to the oasis, because, one afternoon, his heart told him that it was happy. "Even though I complain sometimes," it said, "it's because I'm the heart of a person, and people's hearts are that way. People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happen, we suffer terribly." "My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer," the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky. "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." -from the alchemist by paulo coelho i'm on my way to achieving my personal journey, & while i'm on it i'm listening to my heart--and the different signs and omens i'm seeing (see posts earlier this month). this might sound weird to you all, but read the book....then you'll understand. i'll continue this later....

on motivation i finally got the nerve to tell my other best friend about my future plans, and applying to rutgers. i know she means well, and she can only go by my past....or what she's seen, but i know deep down she thinks i'm going there for other reasons. i get the feeling that other people are thinking the same thing too...and it pisses me off. what everyone doesn't see is what i feel, what motivates me to do as i do. when i moved to la i didn't move for my boyfriend at the time, i moved because of a promise i made to myself while i was at state....i wanted to move to southern cali as soon as i graduated-and i did just that. granted i didn't have many friends down there, and i hung out with his people...and they became my people. that's normal. but eventually i did branch out (like i always do)....got my bearings then went with it. yeah, i don't go out as much as i'd like to...but that's more of a fund issue than anything. i only started going out more this year because of a recent raise, and donations from my loved ones. i could have gone out if i wanted to, but i never felt a need to....or wanted to reach out. granted, i didn't experience all there is here in la (and there's a lot)...but if i REALLY wanted to, i would have. i apparently didn't want to. now people are questioning why i want to go to the east coast, and they're all thinking one thing. it's as if i don't have a mind of my own, or a friken back bone. just like i say in my personal statement, i want to experience life out there, and just live. before i moved out i was completely sheltered....so when i moved out, it was a shock....a complete shock to me. i had so much freedom i didn't know what to do with myself. i've seen all i wanted out here, and to be frank....i'm tired of it. the only thing i'll really miss (if accepted) is my people. i've been all over cali and back. i can do that drive from so cal to nor cal in 5.5 hours, and tell you all the stops in between. i used to give people tours of the bay area, and i'll drive you around la if you wanted. i've experienced all i could in cali and i'm ready for more. how hard is it for people to believe that i want to step out of the box and try something new? i'm going to force myself to go out, make new friends, get into study groups, join whatever groups they have at school, go see spoken word, try some spicy foods, walk all over the city, learn the subway system, and maybe even attempt to drive in the city when necessary. i'm just so tired of people thinking i'm only motivated by one thing. yeah okay, sometimes i am, but i'm learning from my mistakes....and the past is the past! i'm not doing this to prove a point, i'm doing this so i can experience something different, something exciting....and be able to look back and say-yeah, i did that. how hard is that to believe? i'm doing this for ME, not anyone else. i know people out there are thinking i'm fooling myself. but unless you step into my shoes, and go inside my head and KNOW what i'm thinking or feeling then you DON'T know. i'm so tired of people trying to tell me what i'm feeling or thinking. i mean, don't you want to step outside the box? some of you already had that experience of living in new york, europe or wherever. why can't i do it? this is just the right time for me to start something new, apply myself. i finished paying off all my bills, and it's just time for me to start doing what I want to do. is that so hard to believe? if the timing was finally right for you, are you telling me you wouldn't go do something that you've been dreaming about for years?

family issues every family has their deal, a certain type of situation that keeps on popping up (you thought was over--comes back with a vengeance). for us....it's my dad's drinking. hasn't been too bad lately, he promised to stop....mom called last night, he broke his promise. when i was little we all knew how to deal with it, and as we got older--we kind of mastered it. take care of mom, and if mom's not around go to your room....come out when he's asleep. i remember watching my brothers taking care of him whenever he would come home, and i'd just watch my mom. i didn't really realize what was going on until i was in high school....now i fully understand her pain. well, she finally told me last night--i hate this. maybe that's why i don't drink so much, or when i do--it's not a lot. for some reason i've had a handle on my alcohol intake (sans college years), i never let myself get too out of hand. i always have this voice in my head....make sure they can drive (or make sure everyone's okay). maybe it's my mom talking to me whenever i go out...maybe that's why she still freaks out whenever i go out today *shrug*. so i made a promise to myself a long time ago, never go out with a guy that drinks too much. last night i re-affirmed my promise to myself...i won't go through that (i just can't). although drinking is a good release, and fun with good friends....i have my limits (at least i know what they are). don't get me wrong, i love my father....he has his vices, and i wish he didn't (especially this one). especially after all we went through....i hate for my mom to go through this. it's not like we're all at home, she's alone with him most of the time...i feel powerless, i want to take her away from all of this....she doesn't deserve this...

i knew it....
Which Disney Princess are you? i'm so her, and i love that song... =)

i'm not your superwoman well, most of the time i am. but after talking to lan last night, i realized that all my insecurities about the thought of moving are starting to surface--and that's what's causing all my mental anguish. i mean, it is all the way on the other side of the country. some of my friends are starting to get all sappy on me, i'm seeing people more...and i'm not telling everyone i'm too lazy to go out--go figure. so yeah, one of my boys told me all i have to do regarding my past issues is to let go, go splurge on myself and have a spa day. i would so do that--if i wasn't saving all my money for whenever i do move. i mean for the most part, i have either let the past go--or completely erased it from my mind. i swear, someone asked me something about my past the other day....and i couldn't recall. it's like it's been blocked from my memory. i know my issues aren't as big as what other people are going through, and maybe i'm just being a drama queen. well, i haven't done this in a while....i'm just preparing myself i guess. well, if and when i do make my move...i'll be ready, right? at least i know i'll be loved, and missed. other things are going through my head--i'll save you all from that (i know, it's getting irritating). so i hope you all are well, and i'm still praying that things will get better....you're always in my thoughts (even though i'm having all my mental issues). *hug*

rollercoasters although i love rollercoasters, i don't like the emotional kind. i've been dealing with a lot of things, by myself (i chose not to allow anyone else to go though this with me--it's just easier that way). i figure go through it now before i move on (and move), i don't want to bring excess baggage with me when i make the move (*crosses-fingers*). i'm told you shouldn't bring your past into your present (and i'm dealing with a lot of my past--should have been done a long time ago). so please excuse me as i'm being a moody ass bitch, but thank you for those who have asked....it's much appreciated.

bad dreams & thoughts do you ever get into one of those funk's that you only dream bad things, or think of bad thoughts...or even second guess yourself? and these dreams or thoughts are so bad that you're crying to yourself? i think i've always did this kind of thing, 'cause my mom used to wake me up when i was little saying i was crying really hard (and i would never remember about what), or something like that. but yeah, lately i've been in a bad funk. sick and emotionally unstable? how sad is that. but this morning one of my j.a.c. lil bro's im'd me this (and this particular bro i've never met mind you), "god loves you, and so do i. have a blessed day. =)." no one has said that to me in a long ass time, actually not since j.a.c. has anyone said it (when i was active at least). he im'd it then logged off. i hate it when people do that, then i can't respond (since i was staring at my screen at the time--it was way early too). i just thought it was funny. after waking up from bad dreams, crying, having more bad dreams....when i do finally get out of bed, someone tells me that, "god loves you, and so do i. have a blessed day. =)." i just thought it fit. like he knew i needed to hear it? maybe he felt my vibes through the internet (even though i wasn't saying anything). now i'm watching a depressing episode of ally mcbeal--from the final season. granted it's in boston, she did end up in new york (i know i'm reaching). maybe all my dreams and thoughts are coming cause there's a good chance that i'll be leaving soon (*crosses-fingers*), and all my insecurities are coming out in my subconscious. perhaps this is just my weird way of dealing with it all...

sickness i don't like being sick, but i got kicked out of the office today. so i'm going to drink some green tea and MAYBE i'll get better. hehe j/k lissa, i don't blame you at all. but my ears hurt, my throat hurts, and i'm hot and cold....off to bed i go. oh and i gotta shove that stuff up my nose, i hate putting things up my nose....it never makes it up all the way...

easter & fun times on our way to fantasyland.... so this is what i did on my four days off (minus friday night, since i couldn't operate a camera at that time). *click* *click* fun with the family, and fun with lan and the kiddies at disneyland! let me tell you all....it is so much better going to disneyland with kids, a little tiring but more fun. aaaannnnndddddddddd i just found out tonight that i'm going to be one of dylan's god mothers. yay! finally someone asks me prior to making me one! he's so cute, he calls me aunti yeen, or eiyeen. he's the only baby i've ever held, and believe me...i don't go around holding and kissing babies. so yeah, hope you enjoyed the pics! =) *mwah*

the new 'do so yeah, i look really tired in this pic cause the night before i had to much to drink & i almost missed my appointment due to over sleeping. anyway, some of you asked--and here you go! gotta get to sleep....disneyland in the morning!!! more later! *mwah*

hotness.... man oh man! it's HOT up here in the bay! i HATE it! at least in la it's been kinda gloomy and chilly, i like it when it's chilly. maybe it's cause when i was younger i was in the hottest areas ever, or maybe i've become weaker as i've aged. eh, who knows. all i know is i'm happy! i even went and got my watch all spiffed up, nice and shiny baby. i even saw the kiddies today, of course i'll see more of them this weekend--but i miss them when i'm gone. so yeah, today is good friday....in a few days sweets will enter my mouth again (and other things--eventually). although, i keep thinking i cheated. but i don't think so since puto is made out of rice--and it's not a pastry (well it's not the fancy kind--more of a breakfast kind or the kind you eat with dinuguan)....and the avocado boba is made of avocado, and avocado is a fruit...therefore it's healthy. okay i feel better after justifying myself. anyway, i hope you all are having a good 'good friday'! & i hope you all have a most wonderful weekend!! ima get my hair done tomorrow *fling* oh and btw it was nice hearing from you, and i'll keep on praying! =) *HUG*

random thought don't worry about the negativity. that's all garbage. don't give in to everything you hear. you're better than that. keep your mind set on the good stuff, whether big or little. what matters is that you did it. it's all in the past now. and you learn from what happened.. right? * * * * got this from one of my lil sisters blogs. i just really liked it, totally speaking to me....

early wishes just wanted to wish you all a early happy easter & good friday, since my ass is going home tomorrow night. whooo ha! * * * * okay, so what the hell is american idol all about? that friken stupid red-headed boy who sucked ass last night was safe? granted okay, camille wasn't at the top--but she was better than that stupid red-headed boy! i even voted last night, but apparently more people are voting for the people with NO TALENT....and why? because they like those ugly boys? i CANNOT believe this crap! this is supposed to be a SINGING contest, not a PERSONALITY contest. fucker doesn't even have personality, he barely has a smile. i'm so pissed! i can't believe that america would vote this way! what keep your people in, take us out? okay, okay...yeah that was wrong....but fuck. jeez people, do you even watch? or do you wait till 9:55 find out what the number is to your person then call? do you even watch how badly your person performs? this is so wrong!!! next week, i'm going to do what they all do....i'm all about jasmine. that's right fuckers, i'm onto your game. i'm going to email all my people to do the same--cause that's what the friken red-headed boy is probably doing. grrrrrrr..... * * * * * oh yeah, happy early easter everyone (sorry, i ended up re-doing the middle of this post since i was watching american idol at the same time). hope you get all the candy you want. yes, sweets can be in my mouth again come sunday!!!! hell ya baby....I DID IT!!!

Things to look forward to. So far this week has been really good (been really happy--don't know why). I realize that it's only Tuesday, but I have Friday off & now Monday! I'm going to Disneyland with Lan & the kids! Whooooo ha!! So I'm flying home Thursday night to spend Easter with the family, and I cancelled my flight home so I can drive down with Lani and the kids. Yay! Quality time with the family! Something to look forward to. I hope I keep feeling like this, I keep praying for good things--and I wish all my stuff from SJSU would hurry up and get to me. My first letter of rec is in, two more to come. I'm so tempted to open it up--but I did check off that I waive my option to see what they think of me. So yeah, still gotta wait....I hate waiting (even thought I'm pretty patient about a lot of things). Hope everything is going well with you, you're always in my thoughts. *HUG*

A Voice Within Young girl, don't cry, I'll be right here when your world starts to fall. Young girl, it's all right, Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly. When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream, Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems. No one ever wants or bothers to explain, Of the heartache life can bring and what it means. When there's no one else, Look inside yourself, Like your oldest friend, Just trust the voice within. Then you'll find the strength, That will guide your way, If you will learn to begin, To trust the voice within.... * * * * Lyrics that go round and round in my head. Been listening to Christina a lot...and I do mean A LOT. Trying to listen to myself, and at the same time listening to what others have to say. eh, who knows...i'll figure everything out in due time. I have lot's of hope, and faith. Who knows....

Omens So lately I've been going out with my friends, or they'd ask me to go hang with them & something or other. Normally I don't go out, I just hang at home--but more of my friends have been wanting to see me. Just the other night my friend Ron and I were talking about it, he's the one that said....maybe it's an omen. But you know, after thinking about it, it's possible--or just really really wishful thinking. We saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (my choice of course), it was a little hard to follow--but afterwards I think I got it. Now if that procedure was possible I don't think I'd be able to do it--but sometimes don't you think you can erase particular memories from your mind? I know that there are times that I can't remember details, or even a particular "event" happening--or maybe I just forget how I know someone entirely. But normally, I'll remember every single detail of what happened, and what was said...sometimes people don't even believe me--but I'll have some sort of proof (probably goes with me being a pack rat). Weird right? Maybe it is possible, who knows. Ahh, I don't know. I wonder who else will take me out. I hope it's an omen, that would be really nice...it could just be really wishful thinking--but I hope not.

Spring cleaning You know, I honestly don't know how I collected so much crap. I remember when I first moved down, I hardly had anything. Now I'm tripping all over stuff! I think I just really need to throw everything away. I need help, I can't go through all this by myself. I keep saying, "oh I need that--you never know when you'll need that." grrrrrrr, I HATE being such a pack rat...

I made her cry last night. I didn't mean to. I had her read my personal statement, she started critiquing, then she started crying. She tried to get off the phone with me, but I made her stay on and talk to me. I haven't even gotten accepted yet, and my mommy's crying already. I didn't mean to make her cry. I hate doing that. She said that when I first moved away to Southern Cali, said I'm leaving her. I'm not leaving her, I never move to get away from her. I'm sure she understands that I have to do this for myself, it's now or never (well not never--but I'm not getting any younger). They'll visit me of course, and I'll be home on the holidays...but they'll be in the pinas for half the year (since she's finally retiring), the other half in Cali. I hate feeling like this. I haven't even gotten accepted yet. I hope she'll get used to this, I know I'm going to hear it when I go home next week. Man, I'm all depressed now. I know it's hard when your daughter goes away, and I know it's even harder since I am the baby....but man, I'm not leaving her (or my family). If it happens (or when--I need to be positive), I hope they'll understand....

Flounder has a new friend.... but flounder is the only one that sleeps with me..... ;) .....and yes, wherever I end up--they're all coming with me!