...

She can't talk, they took out the tube earlier today & it seems even with her non verbal communication she's slowly decompensating. She recognized me though & she speaks with her eyes. She's still in there, but not all the time. 

She looks so peaceful as she sleeps, I hope she can fully rest tonight. 

You can sense everyone's getting mentally drained. It's so hard to see someone who was so full of life, just slowly drift away from us. 

Lord, whatever is your will, please do. I hate seeing her in so much pain. I don't care if I lose sleep, or am exhausted. Just do what's best & please keep my brother strong. 

Exhaustion

Today I pulled the quickest turnaround trip. I went back home, picked up my electronic massage shocker, Oscar's shocker, clothes, hygiene/bathroom things & running gear. Then went straight to Starbucks & came back to my brothers. 

When I got back I slept a little, then completely knocked out...this was also after drinking coffee. You can say I was beyond exhausted. 

But it's okay, now I'm sitting in the dark ready to help Kristy however she needs me. This time, I'm prepared w/ higher powered massage methods. 

Just listening to them pray, while I make sure the music still plays & if she needs me, I'm here. 

Please continue to give me the strength to do what she needs. 

💔

Strength

Every time she asks me to squeeze, I ask God for more strength so I can squeeze harder. Every time she moves, I check to see if she's okay. Although it breaks my heart, I know we have to allow for some self determination, so I only do anything when she calls for me. She recognizes me, I am thankful for this. 

I refuse to be weak, when she's still fighting. So when I run, I run for her. When I don't want to do anything, I think of her. 

I ask God to help her & give me strength to help her.  To help me squeeze harder, be stronger, help alleviate her pain.  Please take away her pain. 

Help me to adapt as the bathroom process always changes & just keep giving me the strength to help her at this time. 

Please. 

Time

It escapes is constantly. No one will be here forever & how we spend it is key.

I made a decision this week to take the rest of the week off to help out my sister in law. You see, she's had this stomach cancer since 2007 & now her health is declining. She's pretty much deteriorating before our eyes. My brother said she had signs of dementia the other day, so I kept asking him if he wanted me to help...he kept saying not yet. After thinking & praying about it, this was a good decision to come. Not just to help relieve my brother & brothers in laws...but because I needed to help for me. 

Kristy & I have always had a good relationship. She's the kind of person that is always there for you, no matter what. The best part about her is that she changed my brother. Not that he was a bad guy, she made him sparkle more & just be a better human. 

We all need people in our lives like her. So now I help massage her, help w/ bathroom duties or whatever else I can to ease her pain. I also pray for a miracle, pray that she makes it through this. She's a fighter. Most people would have given up, but not her. 

This is a true lesson in humility. To help those who can't do anything for you, just because you love them. You find out who truly loves you in these times. 

People have asked me what am I going to do?  I don't have an answer to that. I'm here to support my sister in law, my brother & my family. Because we love each other. There was a time when we have been so busy we don't or didn't check in, except on the holidays. This is a cruel joke (sometimes, I think) to remind us to have constant contact for those we love. We're not going to be here forever, even if some people feel immortal. 

We should always take the time to tell those you care about you love them. Take the time to be there & spend time...not money on them. 

You never know what kind of cruel joke will be given to you. 

💔

Random thoughts about 5150's since it's suicide prevention month.

This month is suicide prevention month. Since I've graduated, I have done several assessments & most recently I've placed individuals on 5150's. I've learned that people will do what they want, when they want. But if the people around you know the signs, they will most likely reach out for help before you do. 

People are unpredictable, there's tons of statistics. Older men, those just discharged from an admission, those feeling better, usually men...they say those are who will be successful in attempts. If they have a history of attempts, something significant triggering them, life changing, anniversary deaths of people important. Those who have actual plans, then get drunk or high to give them courage. 

Those who have been depressed & just tired of it all. Paranoid people, people who hate their hallucinations. People who have no support, there's so many symptoms. It can be anything. 

For veterans, you have insurance & it's super good. You need to call the veterans association & find a therapist. If you're in Monterey County & have medi-cal, call the Crisis Team & get referrals for outpatient treatment. Actually, anyone in any county call your local crisis team (just Google, I have found resources in other states for patients).  If you don't want to take meds? That's fine, you are in charge of your treatment, just reach out.  If you see a loved one suffering, reach out for them. Just do something. 

Thoughts

Just because you know something about a subject, does not make you an expert. Just because you've been doing something for a long time, does not make you the end all be all of that. We all have opinions, doesn't make us right. Nor do you have the right to shoot someone down because they don't share your opinion.  Grandiose, entitled people...the Internet is full of them. It's nice to hide behind your computer screen, isn't it. 

Strength

All the asana's in #Ashtanga is making me stronger. Little by little, mind over matter. It's also helping me stay focused, keeping my emotions in check (especially at work).  This inward journey has done wonders for my anxiety issues. I'm welcoming this journey, it's a lifelong one that helps me health wise & psychologically. 

Today I was able to hold a wall handstand for a minute, twice. Before today I could hold it at a max of 55 seconds, & only once. To be fair, I took at least a 20 minute break between. 

Hope you all are well. Namaste. 

Always learning

So I've decided to wait until January to take the new rounds of examinations. If I'm gonna take an easier or shorter exam it'll be the Law & Ethics, which I'm more prepared for. They're replacing the Clinical Vinyettes with the national exam. So at least at the end of all this, I can practice anywhere within the continental United States. 

Positive thinking right?  Officially I'm not studying. I'm just immersing myself in social work prep books other than TDC material. I think it's good because I'm learning in other forms. The more I read & apply it to work, the more the material sticks in my head. It's not like they're teaching me. Hell, I get punished for teaching myself. 

I pretty much have learned so much in what little time I have been at my newest placement. It's okay though, I'm stronger for it. Every day is a test. Every day I learn something new. My skin get's tougher. They won't break me. 

I am continuing my inward journey, making things positive. Besides, I have no control over what anyone else thinks. Only myself. I have to continue to remind myself of this. 

Yoga had really been helping me. It keeps me grounded, open to new challenges, while getting me flexible. Really works my abs too. 🙏🏼👍🏼😊

Narrative Therapy

So after yesterday's session, or during, my therapist said I'm doing Narrative Therapy on myself. It's basically taking the problem, looking at it outside of yourself & creating a solution. I didn't really see that until she pointed it out. I always associated Narrative w/ creating a new story, but now, I will always remember it. 

I suppose it's because I'm looking at everything from a different perspective. I'm attempting to not give the exams more power than they should have. I also looked back & can see how much stronger clinically I am because I've been forced to take them so many times. So yeah, I have taken the problem & looked at it outside of myself. 

I'm focusing on all the positives & learning how to grow as a person. Ashtanga Yoga is helping me with that. Not just the advanced poses, but it's making me go inside & that's where you do all the work. Trying to be less frustrated with myself & having lots of patience. Forgiving others, even if I don't feel they're sorry for what they've done. I forgive, for myself. I don't have a right to know how others feel about me, I only have control over myself. I'm doing the best to keep it positive & stay strong in all aspects of my life. 

Thanks for joining me on this journey. 

Upekshanam or Equanimity

I am learning that we are more than what our goals are. I started "pouring" myself more into one aspect of my life & was severely disappointed. But you know, I have to remind myself here & there that my work does not define me. That exam, does not define who I am.

I have always been so many things. A daughter, sister, girlfriend, pup mom, runner, social worker & now a yogi. I am learning to change my perspective & reminding myself that I will get disappointed, I won't succeed at everything every time. But what I will do is get up, dust myself off, and try again.  I have always been really good at that. 

I am getting more into the inward journey of yoga. For the past 4 years, I did yoga as cross-training for running. But I'm finding it so much more rewarding when you go deeper into the practice. The poses are one thing, but I find myself all over more balanced when I just focus on the moment. Practice mindfulness, like I used to teach. 

It's just a natural evolution so to speak, I think. My path has just lead me this way. God & the universe have pulled me in this direction, it has taken a few things to pull me this way. Now I'm fully accepting my journey & enjoying all the steps. 

I'm actually happier now & not letting anything bother me. Practicing upekshanam, being more calm, not let things get to me so much. It's actually been good. 

I'm really enjoying this inward journey. Practicing what I preach, I'm not gonna let the exam get the better of me. I'm also working on some things, namely, anxiety. It's actually really going well. I'll say that much. 

Anyway, if you're reading, thank you. Hope you have a nice day! 

The plans in place...

Everything is set for when I want to begin studying again. I'm gonna give myself at least 3 months of a break. I'm glad to know everything is in place for when I want to start up again. 

So I'm focused on my race in August, after that I'll be back in study mode. By then I'll be deep in therapy. 

I feel good about this plan. I'm not going to let these challenges get me down. 

My new plan.

So I contacted Therapist Development Center. They suggested I take a 4 month break, then contact them 2 months before I'm scheduled to take it again. I'm also doing something else. I hired a therapist, and I'm doing CBT. Doing CBT on myself. 

I think this was supposed to happen, I have some automatic thoughts that need to go away. I think, even if it's an arduous process...and it sometimes eats at me inside, this has to happen. It's letting me get inside, & I haven't allowed this to happen. 

Like my friend told me the other day, everyone struggles in an area. This just happens to be my area. I will welcome this struggle with open arms. Learning process, with myself. Not just to pass, but to go deeper within myself. 

#perspective

Yet again, I didn't pass

This time, I missed passing again by 6. At least I'm consistent. I guess the lesson is that I haven't learned what I'm supposed to have learned. This was my 4th try, 3 I actually prepared for really. But again, I failed. 

I was super positive. I actually learned from this material. I'm stronger in Legal and Diagnosis. I missed more on the other sections. I could recite to you the entire ethics, but clearly, when read to me in a subjective question, I cannot answer you the way the BBS wants me to. 

That's really it. I'm not answering the way the BBS wants me too. 

I can do the job. I have good clinical skills. But I have yet to learn how the BBS wants me to think. 

It doesn't help when I have parental figures telling me to get licensed already. As if I don't want to, as if I want to be in limbo land of being unlicensed. It is my goal to take this test as much times as possible. Like I love seeing the word, FAIL when I finish a 4 hour exam. 

It hurts so much. I can't even put it into words. 

Do good, my brother said. 

No one gets it. Stop telling me I'll get it next time. I feel like such a failure. Fail. I always see fail. The one exam I care so much about. FAIL. 

I have no words. 

I guess I'll wait for my testing company to get back to me. I already sent them 3 emails. I need them to help me. They said they'll be w/ me till I pass. I hope so. I really hope so. 

LA Marathon 2015

First I want to thank the residents of LA because every single one of them & their grandmothers were out there cheering all of us on at the LA Marathon.  They were giving us bananas, oranges, grapes, water, Gatorade, Beer, Pizza, and Chili Dogs, and that was just from the residents, not from the volunteers or race staff.  At different points of the race I had oranges, grapes, a Popsicle, a marshmallow, and I cannot forget that lady who put the chip bag right in front of my face and would not let me leave her until I took some.  THANK YOU. 

The residents were also at every single part of the race after you left the stadium.  They made me feel not so alone.  I thought I was gonna do well, even with my throat hurting and I could barely talk.  I was trying to fool myself into feeling better.  It didn’t work. 

 I aimed for a PR (as I always do) which I set at the 25th LA Marathon the inaugural race course in 2010, which happens to be this race course.  I ran this race in perfect weather, and in a torrential rain storm, I KNEW I could do it.  Then slowly my dream went away with each mile.  Then I said, okay sub 5, your training was awesome.  Then the heat just started getting hotter and hotter, so the only goal was to finish.  I told myself that I KNEW this course.  I was gonna suck it up, and finish, no matter what. 

Not even half way I was feeling like crap, random strangers even told me I looked like crap, well, not that I looked like crap but they kept asking me if I was okay.  Well, Pete did too, and even though I didn’t feel that great, I was gonna just push through.  I tried to distract myself, I couldn’t listen to music because I couldn’t use my charger, I forgot that extender so I couldn’t listen to music.   But I heard all my friends’ comments, and tweets.  My phone would beep after I would randomly post something on Facebook, I knew you were trying to encourage me to keep going.

Shannie and Pete met me at different spots and give me water and gummies, they saved me and gave me something to look forward too.

I saw people on the ground, and I saw someone collapse in front of me in the Rodeo Drive area, then I saw staff rush to her rescue.  Thank you LA Marathon staff for being everywhere.  You were more prepared for whatever would happen yesterday.

It was a humbling experience, I didn’t cry, I tried to push when I could, but I cramped up in places I have never cramped up before.  My shin’s of all places & my quads.  So thank you again lady around mile 23/24 who put the bag of chips in my face and wouldn’t let me leave.  THANK YOU.  I tried to run it in from 25, but I could only run with long walk breaks.  It helped that runners who finished were volunteering near the end and were saying encouraging things.

  

Thank you for everything residents of LA, LA Marathon staff, my family and friends.  Thank you for helping me get through 26.2+ miles because Mother Nature was not being nice at all.

5:08:17

Not my best time, but the @SRMarathon was awesome! Ran with my friend, Angel during the first half. She told me to go & caught up to me during the last 5k. It was a serious struggle that last 10k. I need to work up my conditioning, learning lessons for 2015. 

I may not have PR'd but I beat my last 4 marathons. At one point I focused on a Sub 5, but when I knew that wasn't gonna happen I just kept moving forward. My 20th Marathon was pretty awesome & I'm happy w/ my time & will keep on training hard!

                                               

                                               

                                                      

                                               

                                     

2nd Chances

I got the email I was waiting for today, I am in the Nike Women's Half Marathon!

                               

When I didn't get in initially, I wasn't heart broken. But then I received the 2nd chances email & I broke my training to get this done. If I was gonna work that hard, I hoped to get in...and I did. 

My 8th Nike Women's Race, this will be my 5th Half as I ran 4 halves & 3 full marathons. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty excited. I'm more happy about being able to be reunited with all my friends I've made through this event & over the past 7 years. 

Here's to annual races & running traditions!

Hope you're all well! 

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge & testing out the Bio Skin Calf Skins

So I was recently challenged for the #ALSIceBucketChallenge by my former Coach, so this morning I went out and got some ice to do this.  Thought I had to wait for boyfriend to get home, but I found his tripod and it held my phone nicely.  Oh that was cold & I probably could have used the ice for my ankles, but this was an amazing cause!  I nominated everyone on FB/Instagram and Twitter.  Get to it people!!

Then yesterday, I tried out my BioSkin Calf Skins, and they are awesome.  I thought it was a bit tight at first, but then as I kept running it just felt better and better.  I think my calves really like the tighter feel when I'm recovering.  So awesome and glad I said yes to be an Ambassador!!  I'll give you guys updates the more I use them!

T

That's it for now, hope you all have an amazing weekend!

Lovies

Big White Rocks

So yesterday during my 15 miler, I slipped on these giant white rocks. Not one one ankle, but both. However, only one really bothered me. Limped a little when it happened & I was super careful all the way until the end of the run...

Then, when I got home I iced. It didn't feel super bad, but at my friends house (way later in the evening) it started bothering me, so I iced again. Got home, slept, then heated when I woke up. It felt good. So I talked to my friend, took a couple of Alleve's & just finished icing. She recommended icing before bed. 

I'm just super paranoid because I have The Towns Half on Saturday, then Santa Rosa Marathon the following weekend. It feels okay, & it's not inflamed like a sprain usually looks like...so I think I'll be okay. 

I just really hate those big white rocks!!! Need to watch my footing at that trail, at least, now, I know. 

Hope you all are well!!

Lovies,

E =)

It's been a while...

So here's a little update!  I didn't pass the first LCSW Exam like I wanted, I was 3 questions away (I was upset, and actually cried, but it's okay).  But it has been 6 months and guess what?  I'm eligible to take it again!  I'm gonna sign up soon as I just got my notification that I could sign up.  I feel more prepared, and I'm studying as much as I can before I take it again.

Running have been feeling way awesome again, and I have my speed back.  I HAVE MY SPEED BACK!  However, the Nike Women's Half Marathon 2nd Chance Entry is messing up w/ my recovery, but after this week I can go back to my 3 day a week training for my marathon.  I'm training for the Santa Rosa Marathon, which is in 2 weeks.  Also, next Saturday I'm running The Town's Half Marathon.  I didn't plan it that way, it just so happened that when NWM decided to take out the Marathon (still seriously pissed about that), I signed up for The Town's Half as a training run, now it's a race before my Marathon.  It'll be fine, I've PR'd before w/ double weekend races.  I have faith in my training that I can rock both races.

Also, in other news, I am now an Ambassador for BioSkin!  I checked out their site after they contacted me and I think it'll be a good fit.  Their products look solid and I'll be testing out some calf skins soon.  You should check them out too!  You can click on the link on the left, above my twitter feed.  =)

Boyfriend and I have been going on strong for the past 2.5 years (can you believe it?).  I have become a hard core Giants Fan because of him!  Love him to pieces.

I think that's it.  I'm going to really try and update this as much as I can.  I get really busy with studying, running, taking care of the poochies...I will do my best.

Hope you all are doing well!!!

Get out of your head.

This week I'm on a Study Break. Yes, my exam is on Saturday. I said it. I've been so afraid to put it out there, but I'm taking it. As I was taking mini tests on my Grossman app, I had to stop and tell myself...STOP GETTING INTO YOUR HEAD! Took a deep breath and was able to focus again.

My favorite Clinical Sup told me, you know how to do a MSE & Bio Psycho Social. You have the tools. You need to figure out what they're asking you. He also said to stop second guessing myself, go with my first answer.  One of my dear friends also told me to, "knock that shit off!"  So that's what I have to do.

That was the best advice, besides getting AATBS material. After I stopped second guessing myself, I eventually got a 92% on the 4th try on my Grossman app. It was 60%, 68%, 68%, & 92%. I bought the package so it shifts the questions around in a set of 25. So really, I've done 100 questions today. I should be prepped for when I take my AATBS practice exam. 

Yes I'm anxious, but I know I have good Clinical Judgement. I already do the job. I just need to pass 2 tests to get my License. I can do this. 

The mind is a fascinating thing huh. Powerful. I just need to focus. 

Hope you all are well!

Lovies!

-E