Decade of Change...

This has been the decade of change. In 2010 I was finally able to secure a job where I could collect my hours towards my LCSW. That was also the year I started with the prison population. When DMH turned into DSH & 2 years later I went to the dark side aka CDCR. 

I also started speeding up in my marathons & halves. Learning more of what I could do with my body, how hard I could push & what I wanted to do. 

I collected all my hours while @ CDCR. But that test was the death of me. So I made a decision to try something different. Applied to Monterey County for the Crisis Team & ended up working the NOC shift for 18 or so months, then finally I passed both new exams. So thankful the BBS changed the exams. 

So I went back to CDCR & learned even more when I joined the MHCB team. Just a quick recap. I worked in a Level IV prison for 7.5 years. DMH, EOP, MHCB & as CIT. In mental health, there’s lots of acronyms. I made a lot of friends in prison, some of which I’m still close with. I even got a letter at home from an inmate, @ at my desk in CTC. Thankfully that person has a life sentence, so we’ll worry when that changes. 

I didn’t break any PR’s until I figured out how to get stronger all over. That started in 2017. I learned about VSU first, Iron Strength by @drjordanmetzl, then the @sweat app. I always did weights, but for some reason that wasn’t enough. It didn’t challenge my body like what I’m doing now. So once I started doing that I started beating myself. 

In 2018 I finally broke my 8 year old marathon PR, then I did that 2 more times & broke a course PR by an hour at @bsimevents. Trust me, that was a big deal. 🏃🏻‍♀️🐶🐾

In 2019 I finally sub 2’d @ a half marathon. Not just once, but 7 times, one in my Newton’s & the rest in Vaporflys or Next %’s. 🏃🏻‍♀️

We also lost very important special people. @kcesporo, I miss you so much. You always treated me like a sister. You were the person for my brother. It was always a treat to be near you. When I first met you, you treated me like family. 

Then on February 6, 2018 Jersey lost his fight with Cancer. That broke my heart more than anyone would ever know. I didn’t know how I would keep going. He was my first son. I couldn’t run, didn’t want to work, couldn’t really focus. I eventually did, I used a lot of distractions, which is why I worked out a lot & I eventually got faster. But I know whenever I’m out there, he’s with me. Not just on my right thigh, in my heart. 

This year I stopped being a Padawan, & became a Master. Well, I went back to Monterey County as the Supervisor of the Crisis Team. I was recruited & after I accepted the position, I was told they wanted me back since I left. I’m ending my 8th month as of today. 

“It has to challenge you to change you. “ - Becs Gentry

This was the decade of change & believing in myself. I stopped needing other people’s approval, ended friendships that were bringing me down. Cut the fat. Love my people hard. Started to be kinder to myself in the process. 

So 2020, let’s see what you bring. Looking forward to it. 

I miss you

It's been a year and 8 months...

Mama misses you baby.  Sending you so much love over the rainbow bridge...

Changes

So it's been more than a few months.  It's been 6 to be exact.  So I left my old job, and I finally promoted, but not in the same agency, I went back to my old agency and was promoted there.  You know, I bounce back and forth from SVSP to County and back, but i'm back to County.  Go figure.  It's been more than few months doing this job, and I'm starting to feel like I'm making an impact, at least that's what people tell me.

Weird right?

Oh and I'm a Run Gum Ambassador, hit this link for a discount!

I'm also a Giants Race Ambassador, so if you haven't signed up for the Giants Race, use TGREILEEN5 for a $5.00 discount.

One more!  Hold on.  I'm also a Koala Clip ambassador, so if you want 10% off use, ActionTeam19!

I know, I've been keeping myself busy.

In a few weeks I'll be running SeaWheeze Half Marathon again, I'm gonna try and PR there.  We'll see because I gained a little weight from vacation a few weeks ago and it's all finally starting to make movement to the right direction.  You don't know how happy I was when I saw the scale this morning.

Oh and I ran SFM First Half last weekend, well, I paced the 2:20 group and came in at 2:19:45.  Came in perfectly!  YEAH!!!

I'll catch you guys later.  I'll try to be more consistent with this!  :)

It’s been a while...

According to my last entry, I missed another year. But 2018 started like hell, my heart broke & then we started rebuilding. 

My Jersey crossed the Rainbow Bridge on February 6, 2018 @ 4:30 am. His battle with cancer was a difficult one & December the year before he got an infection that never really went away. I miss him so much. 

My focus last year was to rebuild myself. I did Iron Strength, BBG & focused on running long distance without intervals. I continued my run streak, and stayed with my usual training plans. At the Chicago Marathon 2018 I finally broke my old PR, then at CIM, I broke it again. 

What helped me the most was focusing on not just physically getting stronger, but focusing on my mind. Practicing mindfulness while on the run & on my own time. I focused on callousing & getting better at the simple act of running. 

At the end of January I finally sub 2’d a half marathon, then in February, I did it again. 

Granted I dropped a lot of weight, but I think what’s helped me is consistency, focus & just working on my all over mind body strength. 

I traveled, went to Vancouver, another cruise with my parents, NYC & Chicago. I’ll go to NYC & Vancouver again later this year & another cruise with my family. 

I’m trying to focus on memories & not really collecting things except for pictures. I have a lot of  pictures of my pup son. I miss him every day. I do a lot in honor of him. 

So now you’re all up to date. 

#alwaysinmyheart

Whenever I was injured, I always had someone to turn to. Today I didn't really have her to ask. Unless she was the one who helped me find my solution. She was my personal physical therapist, she even tried to give me a massage on one of our sleep over nights. Always the stubborn one. I just wanted her to get some sleep, but she never really did those nights when she was lucid or not so lucid.

We made a lot of memories over the years, but the best ones were when I stayed over to help. 

Oh I am praying taping, & the inserts will make my 20 miler tomorrow bearable. I just need to get through 20 miles before Big Sur. 

I ran it for her. Actually, this past year, when I started my streak, I always thought of her. One of my fastest 5ks was the day she left us. She is always in my thoughts & #alwaysinmyheart. 

So with each step, tomorrow is for you K. Santa Cruz, BSIM & Chicago. Whenever I run a race, it's for you & when I train, I will remember why. 

Thank you for reminding me. 💜💙

 

Distractions

I've come to realize that as a therapist I'm trained to figure out my own distraction techniques, however, the bad thing is that I have used a lot of distraction techniques over this entire past year.

I know it's a process & have been completely logical about my process. I don't know if it's because it makes it easier for me to deal with, or, that is just how I'm dealing. I started really resenting people who tried to tell me how I'm supposed to feel, so instead, I've just not. 

DABDA. I know what it means & I know it's different for everyone & she's meant something different to everyone. I know that, I get that. Again, I have been completely logical about it. Maybe it makes me unapproachable or maybe people who are uncomfortable with this...who knows. 

Doesn't matter, this year I've learned who are real & who don't even matter. That's really important in this process. I've also learned not to put expectations on anyone. Cause you'll just get disappointed & ive been disappointed a lot. I'm really over it. 

But back to distractions. I've used it since week 1, studying, testing, getting licensed, getting a new job, working 2 jobs...all the while making sure pup's okay, boyfriends okay, best friends & family are okay. Cause really best friends are family...running family included.  It really makes one tired & I am super tired, even if I get lots & lots of sleep on a quality bed. 

So I've noticed it, & this month is gonna be hard. I've accepted it. This entire year has been hard. I think I'm at the last D & A right now...with dabs of the first A. But if you really care, just make sure I don't go over the edge. I know I don't talk much about it, it's a defense. Trust me, I know. 

 

Goals

So I finally went to my annual doctors appointment to face the truth, I gained weight over this past year. After 2 years of keeping it down, I packed on 5 more lbs & that doctors scale was so painful to look at. I know this past year was full of change & painful things...but it's no excuse.

So I made up some goals for myself, which are the following:

Minimize sugar

Drink 2 of my big bottle of water a day

Focus on macros & lower my calorie intake

Don't push off my long runs (even when I am not feeling it)

Weigh myself truthfully even when I don't like what I see

Less cheat days

No fast food

That's all I have so far, I think that's a good list. Oh man, oh man. I'll get my labs soon & I'll take my Mammy on Monday. Health is so very important & I need to keep it up. If you're small like me, 5 lbs is a. If deal...

 

On the last day of my 42nd year

On the last day as a 42 year old this is what I have learned. You should never expect or have expectations from anyone, you'll get disappointed. I learned who my real people are this year. Death, is very hard to move forward from, I'm still trying, I miss K so much. 

If you keep pursuing your dreams, you'll achieve them. I finally got my L to my CSW. I can pretty much work all shifts in Crisis & probably at the MHCB (Mental Health Crisis Bed at CDCR). I can also assess the hell out of 5150 pts & suicidal/homicidal inmate/patients. In order to learn all of that, I had to take myself out of my comfort zone...work 16 months as the NOC Shift Crisis Intervention Specialist at Natividad Hospital. But hell, it might have sucked, I worked all the holidays, & weekends, lost sleep & barely saw my family (BUT I was there when you needed me most, thanks to all the vacation I earned)...I learned. 

My self care is still the same, I run, every single day. Especially when we lost K. I ran even more. I'm actually getting back my speed. It was so nice to hear her say that she admired my running & yoga. I appreciated it more since she's a PT & understood my need to keep at it. So for all of you who don't care for my workout posts, I don't care about that, people have reasons why we do things & this year especially, I needed more of my self care. 

So as I embark on my 43rd year of life, I will do more things. Try more things. Go on an actual vacation where I go on a plane. I know two trips so far, but I still want to go to Hawaii. I'm working on my passport for the Philippines trip & I'm running Chi-town in October. I will get all my CEU's done & I want to be trained in DBT & CBT officially. There's so much more that I want to do, but mostly, be there for my family & friends. 

But this year was significant in so many ways. Lots & lots of learning lessons. I learned the truth. Let's just say that. Thank you all for being a part of it...AND if I learned a lesson from you, good or bad, thank you. 

 

It's been quite the year & eight months.

I've been at my current place of employment for a year & eight months. Two months into it I thought, what the hell was I thinking??  My focus soon became (as if it ever changed) just pass, pass that daymn exam. Of course come April I failed by 7. Got really mad at myself, then I saw the reality of my situation. How people on this "team" aren't abiding by our ethics, but I was also reminded that on this "team" it's not just MSW's. You'd think that if you were in this field, you'd want to help others, work together & be understanding. So not the case. I was upset about failing, so instead of talk to me about it, complain to your supervisor that I'm moody. That is the way you handle that type of situation. I learned early on to just shut up, it was like DMH all over again. 

That's just one of the many things that have happened while on this "team."   The way they treat you, it's like I was in Mean Girls, I couldn't believe it. Till this day I'm in Mean Girls. They don't work together & if you leave work for them, they question why you didn't do it. It's not like they have caseloads & it's not always busy.  Or if there's a change in your schedule & no one told them, they need to know why & again with the questioning. 

Not all on the "team" are bad. My supervisor is really trying, but it's hard to pull together a broken down group that refuses to work together. Talk behind everyone's back, that's what it's like here. Mean girls. I think I didn't push to change my shift because I didn't want to work on a shift with them. 

I have learned many things after working here: You can't trust people, you say one thing, they go & spread it. The trust circle needs to be tight.  I have stronger boundaries because I had to deal w/ a borderline who is probably bipolar as well.  You need breaks & as much as possible. If you don't want to say something, don't. You don't have to justify anything to anyone who's not your supervisor. Karma is a bitch & will bite you in the ass. But I knew that one already. 

I hope they learn lessons, I know I have. I do not wish bad things on anyone, but I do hope they learn. 

Reflections

You come to a point where you're just done. You stop trying or doing because you trust your instincts, listen to your gut & know that what you've been feeling...it's true. 

People come in & out of your life, it's the constant cycle...and that's okay. Either they die, or you just start seeing them for what they've always been. 

Over these past few months I've seen things in a better light. Ive stopped adding in what I wanted to see & just observed what truly is there. It's a hard pill to swallow. 

People who are meant to be, they will always be there. But those others, for whatever reason, they'll eventually slip away...because really. Were they ever there to begin with? Or was it something I wanted them to be? Maybe they were there for what they needed to be & you just grew apart. It happens. 

Sometimes you just get tired of all the bull shit they keep spewing & it's nicer to stay away. Cause people grow apart, the ones that stay, those were truly there, in good & especially the hard times. Some say they tried, but if they actually -tried- they would still at minimal give you the benefit of the doubt & maybe still be around. 

I'm just done. Tired. Because if they were true, they wouldn't have even ventured off, no matter how hard things got or were. Death, good things, bad, terrible, happy, they'd still care enough to be around or figure out what went wrong. But they didn't. So I will just take their lead, and bid adieu. 

You always know who are the ones who are true, you just know. 

In a few days...

It's July and on Tuesday it's K's birthday & she would have been 37.  She's five years younger than me.  I miss you every day.  If you weren't in Hawaii celebrating, the family would have gotten together. It's your birthday weekend. Ironically, you are in Hawaii celebrating. Your family & my brother are all there...setting your ashes free. I wish I had the vacation time & money to join you. We could of celebrated passing, cause you know, that's the plan. 

It still hurts that you're not with us. But I find you everywhere I go. Of course not when I dropped my phone, but I thought, eh, it's just water & I have insurance. Not everything is a tragedy, we can find solutions to everything. You always helped me see that, even when things feel impossible, it's not. Not that a water logged iPhone is impossible...it was just something that I figured out. 

So now let's say I value everything more, people, puppies, time, my favorite things. I make sure I spend more time with mom & dad. Not to ask them to do things. But to have a meal or beer with, or to call more often. I listen to their stories more, don't worry so much & not let things get to me. 

I try and show those who are important to me, how they make me feel. I think that's what you were doing more and more. It's not fair that we lost you so young, it's just not. But I don't want to dwell on things. Like my hair. I'm not making a big deal of it, it's just hair. At least I figured out what to do with it...you probably guided me to ask Chriss to help me out with it. It's not the end of the world, it's temporary. This too shall pass. 

I wear your ring every day. Thankfully I lost enough weight that it actually fits. It reminds me of that amazing trip, a few months before you & Noel's wedding. I practiced so hard on that song for your wedding, it was an honor to sing for you both. I didn't care for that preacher guy that kept looking at me to hint to stop. It hurt to sing that same song at your celebration of life. It hurt so bad. It hurt so much that when people tried talking to me about "cancer awareness" I shut them out. I learned that people deal with death weird & close that part out, and since I'm still grieving I don't really care or open up as much. 

Am I okay? Your birthday is in 3 days & I hate that we can't talk to you. My last text with you was about Big Sur Marathon & how I thought of you to power through on that painful course. You left us that week, I started my run streak before you left us. I talk to you whenever I run. I feel you when I run, I hear you, see you in the beauty of each flower. I miss you every day. 

I miss my sister.  You both would have made awesome parents. You are an amazing person. You make me want to be a better person. To pray out loud. To forgive people who have hurt me. To let those who annoy me, not get to me. You were amazing the entire time.  I miss our sleepovers. Those were the best. I'm sorry if I hurt you initially, I didn't know how to clean properly, but I learned. I would do it all again & again if we can bring you back. But when you do, you have to be cancer free. 

I hope you're having an amazing birthday weekend with your family. I love you & miss you so much. 

Happy birthday, K. 

Don't expect too much.

That's the message I got from my run earlier. K still talks to me, she helps me make sense of things. 

Do things out of the good of your heart, do them for you, with no expectations in return. It's a shame that at the very baseline you won't get that respect back, but now, that's what I expect in return. 

I'm also learning not to bend for people so much. I do, do too much...for people who don't give a rats ass. Or they just end up taking from you. That's the most annoying part about it all. I grew up learning to help others, always care...but in this world, it's not like that. 

Lesson learned. Maybe it's the social worker in me wanting to always help out. I need stronger boundaries. At least I'm learning, you learn something new everyday. 

Expect less, if any. Expect nothing, don't bend, just let it all go. 

On the 5th day of our cruise, we went to Katakolon, Greece.

Before I went to grad school in 2005, we went on a 2 week cruise to the Greek and Mediterranean Islands.  My room was with Kristy and Noel, and we (if I remember correctly) were in the front of the ship (or the back).  Anyway, that's all besides the point.

It was a family trip with all of us, pre-nephew.    It was an amazing time visiting all the different cities in Greece and Met Islands, my favorite was day 5.  Why you ask?  We said hello to Zeus and Hera.  Also, I ran on the original track of the Olympics, well, I ran, then Noel and Kristy raced after me.  I also ran in half sneakers as my mom didn't bring extra sneakers, so me being the dutiful daugther let her use mine.  Out of all the days on this cruise, this was my absolute favorite.

We all raced around taking pictures everywhere.  It was a non touring day, my mom made that day happen.  We had to figure out how to get there on our own.  If I knew how to do a handstand back then, I would have done it...it was that awesome.  Just seeing the history of what is Katakolon, it was amazing, I can't even put it in words.  I felt honored to be there, taking in the sights, and just being silly with all my siblings.

Afterwords we all separated.  Noel, Kristy and I decided to go shoppng in the area.  Kristy found these really cool Greek rings and she bargined for her and me.  She got one in silver, mine was in gold. So we kinda twinsied then.   A year later, I lost mine...and I have been searching for a replacement since then.  I always remove my rings to wash my hands, I'm more careful now.

I haven't really found a good enough replacement, at least nothing that could compare to them.

So when Noel asked me what I wanted of Kristy's, you can probably guess what I asked for .  It's a little snug because Kristy's fingers are smaller than mine and it's been so hot lately, but when it cools down it's the perfect size.  Thank you Kristy, I promise, I won't loose this one.  This one fits much better than the ring you made for me, and this means so much more to me.  

Love you lots, K.  Miss you so so much.

2nd to last treatment

My baby just had his second to the last treatment today, he was a good boy today.  Wasn't nervous at all, well, until he layed down.  He initially ran around the room and barked at the nurses, then he eventually calmed down.

He's in remission, and I can't believe we're almost done with his 15 weeks of treatment.  This has been a tough time for my family.  First we lost Kristy during this process, then my boy getting Muticentric Lymphoma and beating it.  I know it may or may not come back eventually, since they said it will, but like I said before...we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

But I am thankful that we were able to do this treatment in the first place, so again, I am thankful for those who have donated to my boy, my family.  He is able to beat cancer because all of you.  This is the best part of it all, he is still with us because my friends and family have supported us during this time.  So thank you to everyone who has supported us by your words, your donations, and your love.  We appreciate it all.

When it's on paper, it's official.

I didn't think it would be this quick & these past few weeks, I really haven't known what to do w/ myself. But it's all real. It's not a fluke, because I got my license in the mail. 

I haven't had to study, practice test, go over my note cards, or have everything social work in my head. It's so weird. For the past 4 years, it's all I've obsessed about. 

Things just fell into place this year. As if it were meant to happen this way. I have to admit, I think I had help...especially scheduling & helping me with my anxiety issues. 

This hasn't been the best year. But, things happen as they're supposed to happen. It's been hard, but you move forward, knowing she's in a better place. 

You still miss them, I miss her. You'll never feel complete. But you know they're always there with you. She's in a better place, she's no longer hurting. I feel comfort in that. She helps me when I run. She's more like Storm in my mind. She controls the weather & reminds me to focus so I don't get hurt. 

When I look up myself on Breeze, she's there. I think she'll be there whenever I do a search. She will always be there. But I don't cry, now I hold my head high & remember all the good times. All the time spent together. Those two weeks are so special to me. 

It's all so surreal, like it's not happening, but it is...and I got the paper to prove it. 

5 weeks to the day 💙💜

It's been 5 weeks to the day & I miss you. 

I do searches for myself on the BBS's site & your name is there. I see you everywhere. I talk to you more now than before. 

You are with me wherever I go & you help me figure things out. I miss your perspective, I miss how you make everything better, I miss you. 

Oh my beautiful sister n law, you are so special to all of us. I miss you so much. I don't cry as much & I can get myself to not get to that point. I think you're with me when I run, because you're free. 

I know you're in a better place, but I do miss you. I just wanted you to know that. 

Love you lots, K. 💜💙

The good comes with the bad

Or is it the other way around?  I've been thinking about this lately.  Good has come lately, and I think it's mostly because of you, Kristy.  You helped me get a date for the test, you helped me with my anxiety on test day and I finally can say I passed.  But you weren't there for me to tell you, I know how happy you would have been.  I have to tell you though, right before I went in, or as I was driving to the test center, I prayed...out loud.  Just like you wanted me too.  Remember that night?  I can't forget those nights.  They were some of my most favorite memories.  I mean, snowboarding, auto-cross, those were pretty cool.  Also the birthday's, holidays, all the times we got together, those were special.  But being able to help you when I knew you couldn't do anything, that was special to me.  Helping you, like you helped others, I'm always remembering those times.  I wish I had more time, then Jersey got sick, so I couldn't come on my days off, I just wish I had more time.

You have always been special to me.  I like that you didn't have to be elaborate, or fancy, you were simple, got your point across, and that was you.  You never belittled me, or anyone else.  You never made me feel bad for living the farthest away, but you appreciated every single time I would see you.  You had this way to make me feel special.

So I still don't know how to feel.  I get that others are grieving and we all grieve differently.  But I'm not going to do Facebook activities for "awareness", for one, it doesn't do any good, and two, I don't grieve that way.

I am in the first A of DABDA, I'm trying not too, but I am.  Maybe it's a lot easier to deal with instead of feeling sad all the time.  But I know you don't want that either.  So I talk to you, I talk to you a lot actually.  It makes me feel better thinking that you're really there with me when I run.  I know some people might think, why am I so affected, I am after all just a sister in law, but the thing is, I don't have biological sisters, and she treated me like a sister.  My best friends, they're my sisters, they're like me, they don't have biological sisters, so we are each others.  But Kristy from day 1, has always treated me like a sister.  One of my old friends told me I would never understand what it was like to have a sister, because I don't have one.  As if I could have controlled that, I have always resented that person because that person said that.  But K, she is family, her family is family, in life and death, they are family.

I don't know how to feel, I honestly don't know how to feel.  I'm happy for the good things that have became since.  In fact, I can now say that I've been an LCSW for a week now.  I would have loved to call you.  I remember when I got my letter after I passed the first exam, I face timed you guys and it was such a happy time.  I thought for sure you'll get better, and we'll all go to Hawaii together.  Remember that night?  I was telling you my plans, and well, you told me what you wanted to do.  I really wanted that to happen.  I really did.  I'm going to take Oscar to Hawaii, show him my old stomping grounds.  Maybe by the time we go, we can visit where you are.

I miss you, I really do.

And, I still don't know how to feel.

It's been 2.5 weeks...

There's been a lot of change in very little time. One was expected, but I wished wouldn't happen. And one I was hoping for, and with lots of hard work...happened. It's hard to know how I should feel. I think the second thing happened because Kristy helped me out, with scheduling & reducing my anxiety. Maybe it's in my head, but I believe it and that's all that matters.

I still don't know how to feel. I'm happy she's finally resting. I talk to her when I run & I know she gives me strength. She helps me focus. Maybe she's the one who helps me when I ask for clarity. I know I prayed outloud before I took my test because of her. Oh I remember that night so vividly. I remember all the nights. It was our sleep over nights & I tried to normalize things for you. Or at least make you feel comfortable. I treasure those memories. 

I miss you. 

I remember when I passed the first test I couldn't wait to tell you & Nono about it. I FaceTimed you guys as soon as I could. But I can't do that this time, can I. But I know you know, I know somehow you helped me. 

It's hard to know how to feel anymore. I miss your smile, your laugh. You always made things better. Perspective. 

I hope wherever you are, you're doing much better. It hurt to sing that song I sang for your wedding. In a sense it gave me closure, but at the same time it didn't. I hope you feel peace. 

The L to my CSW

In 2012 I finished collecting my hours towards licensure & at the end of that year I was approved to take the Written Standard for the CA LCSW.  My first attempt was at the end of April in 2013, missed it by a lot.  Second attempt was February of 2014 & I missed it by 3. I forgot my water bottle at the testing center & when I got home I cried so hard.

My third attempt was September of 2014 & I missed it by 6.  The fourth attempt was in May 2015 & I missed it by 7.  I had an opportunity to take that same exam before the end of that year, but as you can imagine I was depressed & frustrated so I opted to wait for the new exams. 

I took the LCSW California Law & Ethics on February 2, 2016 & I received my pass letter 6 weeks later. It took 2 months (give or take) to get my information from the BBS to ASWB. Yesterday, on May 10, 2016 I took the Clinical Examination with the ASWB (National Exam) and PASSED!!! 

I used several study companies to prepare for the exams. I started with BTA or the Berkeley Training Associates. After I took the exam, I didn't feel the information mimicked the exam. A lot of my friends used AATBS so I switched, that & a friend gave me all her material after she passed. I used that for the next 2 times, it was information overload & as I found out the exam wasn't about memorization, it's clinical justifications. So after a friend's recommendation I checked out TDC or Therapist Development Center.  It made sense, I was "getting it" but not quite at the same time...if that makes any sense. However, I really felt that TDC was there for you, so I stuck with them. 

TDC was more interactive, they even email you back when you have questions. At one point I had a phone appointment (for the fourth attempt). Before I took the fourth attempt I changed jobs. Mostly because I was coming up on my 5 year deadline at the prison, but a secondary gain was I needed more clinical experience & Crisis was an ideal place to get the in your face experience that I lacked. 

I would have to say that a combination of TDC & Crisis (for me) helped me pass the exams. I practiced what I learned from TDC at work. Every ethical dilemma I had, I referred back to the Code of Ethics (COE), I used colleagues to bounce off ideas & I probably over studied. I'm sure I second guessed myself, since I always do that. For the ASWB I started reading up during the summer before TDC updated the material. Actually, before they updated the L&E I scoured the Internet for any material I could get my hands on (besides the NASW COE). I also used Social Work Test Practice (SWTP) for both of the exams because I wanted to practice as much as I could.   While I waited for the BBS to move my info over to the ASWB I also started taking Jerry Grossman practice exams. You can say I was anxious. Just a little. 

It took a lot of time, money & effort to get my LCSW. After all the expensive "practice testing" I was getting depressed, but I never said it. My boyfriend could tell, maybe my colleagues? My friends who understood the process encouraged me, those that didn't told me to study harder & that just pissed me off.  Word of advice, if you don't know about something, don't give your opinion.  I even had people ask me what I was going to do? I don't learn like everyone else & I don't take standard  testing well, thankfully my grades were high enough for when I was accepted to SJSU & I proved myself to Rutgers & got in on the second try. Neither needed an exam score either, thankfully. 

I had to reach outside of my usual "tools" to get my license. I searched out for a therapist & worked with her for the first exam. She was very helpful in guiding me towards my goals, amonust other things.  I even saw a shaman.  I always have to do extra work to reach my goals. You should see what I do to get ready for races. I work hard at everything I do, nothing ever came easy for me. 

So now as I look back at my probably more than 4 year journey (not counting school or collecting hours), I wouldn't change it. I have learned how to be a better therapist because I was forced to learn & re-learn everything. I do not take anything for granted, & I won't going forward. 

People have asked me what I'm going to do next. I'd like to obtain a specialty, get specialized in CBT & DBT. Eventually have a side private practice? Maybe. The doors have finally opened for me. 

I wanted to thank people for putting up with me & for being there with me on this journey. There is someone I can't personally thank, but I know she knows. She was always so supportive & wanted to help me. I think she helped me more than she knew. So I'm not going to name names, you all know who you are. Thank you for the experience, for listening & for pushing me forward. Those that kept encouraging me to keep at it because they saw it in me. Thank you, it helped me keep pushing forward. It helped so so very much. 

Thank you all & thanks for reading! 

E. Esporo, MSW, LCSW

These pictures are never flattering, I'm all chinky eye'd. 

Now she rests

At 0716 I received a text from my brother that Kristy's bp was low & it was time. I was still at work. I told him I would go home, run, give Jersey his cancer pills, get ready & drive down. As I was running I heard her. She told me not to back off my pace, she told me to come to see her, she wanted me there. 

Considering how I've been feeling, I ran a pretty fast 5k. Got home, gave Jersey his pills. Tried to call Oscar, ended up messaging him. I forgot what day it was. Told him what was happening. Then I went to get ready. Then my other brother called, she left. It was 9:30 AM. He asked me to send my parents a message. I did. I told Oscar, he asked if I needed him to come home. I said if he wanted too, he asked agin & I said yes. 

I got ready. He got home 45 or so minutes later & we headed down. 

When we got there there was a lot of people in the house. Jessica told me her body was upstairs, I needed to see her. She was a shadow of her former self. To be honest, she's been declining this past month. I last saw her at the beginning of the month. She was in more pain than I have ever seen her. Then to see her yesterday, I was crushed. I held her hand. I felt her squeeze back, I know she did. 

For the most part I stayed in her room with her family. I felt I needed to be there. I stayed there until they came to take her body. Before they did, I kissed her forehead, told her I loved her & stepped to the side. I didn't want to watch them wrap her up to bring her downstairs. 

Only the family followed her to the van. It was so hard to watch them put her into the van. I told her, "love you lots, K."  She said that since the beginning, I know she has always meant it. 

You have to understand. I don't have any biological sisters, I am the only girl with three older brothers. I have 2 best friends who are females, they're sisters to me & I have 2 sister in laws. I have always been closer to Kristy out of the two. She has always been someone who was so open and loving and she is a sister to me. She had that sense about her. She always wanted to talk about what you're going through and she always understood. She understood my struggles and tried to help. At one point she was going to help me go over practice exams to help me with my licensing exams. 

She was always helping you, but when she got sick she didn't want to talk about it. They kept it between them, I know she didn't want to be a burden and trust me she never was. Like I told her and her family, if I had a choice to do it all over again, I would. 

Initially, we all spent a great amount of time together. We went snowboarding, they showed me auto cross, they took me to movies & because of Noel & Kristy I found my love of Harry Potter. Even when I moved down south, or clear across the country, she showed me she cared. Not just on vacations or when I was home. She reached out when she could, I appreciate that more than she probably knew. 

So when the time came & I helped her at night time to make sure she was okay. That time was precious to me. It was our "sleep over" time. I massaged her legs, helped do what she needed & I made sure she knew that I was there for her, not to be embarrassed or not to feel a burden. I was there because I love her. Some of my favorite memories were during those times. I even introduced her to the Big Bang Theory. We talked about future plans, going to Hawaii after I was licensed and what may happen. If I had more vacation time or FMLA, I would have stayed longer. 

Now all I have is the memories. I am forever grateful that I have them. She is family, her family is my family. We all got closer through this, I think she wanted it this way. 

But regardless, none of this prepared me to see her yesterday, none of it. I thought she would fight through. She was gaining some weight, eating more. For Chris's birthday we all got together. I was her eyes, I face timed from downstairs so she could make sure everything was done properly. That was so, Kristy.  That was a good day. 

Seeing her yesterday, you die a little on the inside. I know she is at peace now, her spirit free and no more pain. But part of you dies when a loved one leaves this world. 

I know I was just a sister in law, but like I said, she was like a sister I never had. She was pure love, giving her all. To her faith, to her family. She tried to force God to take her, but he took her when it was time. 

I thank you Lord for bringing her to my brother, for bringing our families together. I miss you lots, K. I love you lots, K. It's not going to be the same. You are so brave. You did it all with a smile on your face, and even in death I know you're smiling. Do me a favor? Show yourself sometime. I know I hear you as I run, but show me you're okay. 

Love you lots, K.