It's been 2.5 weeks...

There's been a lot of change in very little time. One was expected, but I wished wouldn't happen. And one I was hoping for, and with lots of hard work...happened. It's hard to know how I should feel. I think the second thing happened because Kristy helped me out, with scheduling & reducing my anxiety. Maybe it's in my head, but I believe it and that's all that matters.

I still don't know how to feel. I'm happy she's finally resting. I talk to her when I run & I know she gives me strength. She helps me focus. Maybe she's the one who helps me when I ask for clarity. I know I prayed outloud before I took my test because of her. Oh I remember that night so vividly. I remember all the nights. It was our sleep over nights & I tried to normalize things for you. Or at least make you feel comfortable. I treasure those memories. 

I miss you. 

I remember when I passed the first test I couldn't wait to tell you & Nono about it. I FaceTimed you guys as soon as I could. But I can't do that this time, can I. But I know you know, I know somehow you helped me. 

It's hard to know how to feel anymore. I miss your smile, your laugh. You always made things better. Perspective. 

I hope wherever you are, you're doing much better. It hurt to sing that song I sang for your wedding. In a sense it gave me closure, but at the same time it didn't. I hope you feel peace.