The good comes with the bad

Or is it the other way around?  I've been thinking about this lately.  Good has come lately, and I think it's mostly because of you, Kristy.  You helped me get a date for the test, you helped me with my anxiety on test day and I finally can say I passed.  But you weren't there for me to tell you, I know how happy you would have been.  I have to tell you though, right before I went in, or as I was driving to the test center, I prayed...out loud.  Just like you wanted me too.  Remember that night?  I can't forget those nights.  They were some of my most favorite memories.  I mean, snowboarding, auto-cross, those were pretty cool.  Also the birthday's, holidays, all the times we got together, those were special.  But being able to help you when I knew you couldn't do anything, that was special to me.  Helping you, like you helped others, I'm always remembering those times.  I wish I had more time, then Jersey got sick, so I couldn't come on my days off, I just wish I had more time.

You have always been special to me.  I like that you didn't have to be elaborate, or fancy, you were simple, got your point across, and that was you.  You never belittled me, or anyone else.  You never made me feel bad for living the farthest away, but you appreciated every single time I would see you.  You had this way to make me feel special.

So I still don't know how to feel.  I get that others are grieving and we all grieve differently.  But I'm not going to do Facebook activities for "awareness", for one, it doesn't do any good, and two, I don't grieve that way.

I am in the first A of DABDA, I'm trying not too, but I am.  Maybe it's a lot easier to deal with instead of feeling sad all the time.  But I know you don't want that either.  So I talk to you, I talk to you a lot actually.  It makes me feel better thinking that you're really there with me when I run.  I know some people might think, why am I so affected, I am after all just a sister in law, but the thing is, I don't have biological sisters, and she treated me like a sister.  My best friends, they're my sisters, they're like me, they don't have biological sisters, so we are each others.  But Kristy from day 1, has always treated me like a sister.  One of my old friends told me I would never understand what it was like to have a sister, because I don't have one.  As if I could have controlled that, I have always resented that person because that person said that.  But K, she is family, her family is family, in life and death, they are family.

I don't know how to feel, I honestly don't know how to feel.  I'm happy for the good things that have became since.  In fact, I can now say that I've been an LCSW for a week now.  I would have loved to call you.  I remember when I got my letter after I passed the first exam, I face timed you guys and it was such a happy time.  I thought for sure you'll get better, and we'll all go to Hawaii together.  Remember that night?  I was telling you my plans, and well, you told me what you wanted to do.  I really wanted that to happen.  I really did.  I'm going to take Oscar to Hawaii, show him my old stomping grounds.  Maybe by the time we go, we can visit where you are.

I miss you, I really do.

And, I still don't know how to feel.