Saturday, July 02, 2016

In a few days...

It's July and on Tuesday it's K's birthday & she would have been 37.  She's five years younger than me.  I miss you every day.  If you weren't in Hawaii celebrating, the family would have gotten together. It's your birthday weekend. Ironically, you are in Hawaii celebrating. Your family & my brother are all there...setting your ashes free. I wish I had the vacation time & money to join you. We could of celebrated passing, cause you know, that's the plan. 

It still hurts that you're not with us. But I find you everywhere I go. Of course not when I dropped my phone, but I thought, eh, it's just water & I have insurance. Not everything is a tragedy, we can find solutions to everything. You always helped me see that, even when things feel impossible, it's not. Not that a water logged iPhone is was just something that I figured out. 

So now let's say I value everything more, people, puppies, time, my favorite things. I make sure I spend more time with mom & dad. Not to ask them to do things. But to have a meal or beer with, or to call more often. I listen to their stories more, don't worry so much & not let things get to me. 

I try and show those who are important to me, how they make me feel. I think that's what you were doing more and more. It's not fair that we lost you so young, it's just not. But I don't want to dwell on things. Like my hair. I'm not making a big deal of it, it's just hair. At least I figured out what to do with probably guided me to ask Chriss to help me out with it. It's not the end of the world, it's temporary. This too shall pass. 

I wear your ring every day. Thankfully I lost enough weight that it actually fits. It reminds me of that amazing trip, a few months before you & Noel's wedding. I practiced so hard on that song for your wedding, it was an honor to sing for you both. I didn't care for that preacher guy that kept looking at me to hint to stop. It hurt to sing that same song at your celebration of life. It hurt so bad. It hurt so much that when people tried talking to me about "cancer awareness" I shut them out. I learned that people deal with death weird & close that part out, and since I'm still grieving I don't really care or open up as much. 

Am I okay? Your birthday is in 3 days & I hate that we can't talk to you. My last text with you was about Big Sur Marathon & how I thought of you to power through on that painful course. You left us that week, I started my run streak before you left us. I talk to you whenever I run. I feel you when I run, I hear you, see you in the beauty of each flower. I miss you every day. 

I miss my sister.  You both would have made awesome parents. You are an amazing person. You make me want to be a better person. To pray out loud. To forgive people who have hurt me. To let those who annoy me, not get to me. You were amazing the entire time.  I miss our sleepovers. Those were the best. I'm sorry if I hurt you initially, I didn't know how to clean properly, but I learned. I would do it all again & again if we can bring you back. But when you do, you have to be cancer free. 

I hope you're having an amazing birthday weekend with your family. I love you & miss you so much. 

Happy birthday, K. 

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