Random thoughts about 5150's since it's suicide prevention month.

This month is suicide prevention month. Since I've graduated, I have done several assessments & most recently I've placed individuals on 5150's. I've learned that people will do what they want, when they want. But if the people around you know the signs, they will most likely reach out for help before you do. 

People are unpredictable, there's tons of statistics. Older men, those just discharged from an admission, those feeling better, usually men...they say those are who will be successful in attempts. If they have a history of attempts, something significant triggering them, life changing, anniversary deaths of people important. Those who have actual plans, then get drunk or high to give them courage. 

Those who have been depressed & just tired of it all. Paranoid people, people who hate their hallucinations. People who have no support, there's so many symptoms. It can be anything. 

For veterans, you have insurance & it's super good. You need to call the veterans association & find a therapist. If you're in Monterey County & have medi-cal, call the Crisis Team & get referrals for outpatient treatment. Actually, anyone in any county call your local crisis team (just Google, I have found resources in other states for patients).  If you don't want to take meds? That's fine, you are in charge of your treatment, just reach out.  If you see a loved one suffering, reach out for them. Just do something. 

Thoughts

Just because you know something about a subject, does not make you an expert. Just because you've been doing something for a long time, does not make you the end all be all of that. We all have opinions, doesn't make us right. Nor do you have the right to shoot someone down because they don't share your opinion.  Grandiose, entitled people...the Internet is full of them. It's nice to hide behind your computer screen, isn't it. 

Strength

All the asana's in #Ashtanga is making me stronger. Little by little, mind over matter. It's also helping me stay focused, keeping my emotions in check (especially at work).  This inward journey has done wonders for my anxiety issues. I'm welcoming this journey, it's a lifelong one that helps me health wise & psychologically. 

Today I was able to hold a wall handstand for a minute, twice. Before today I could hold it at a max of 55 seconds, & only once. To be fair, I took at least a 20 minute break between. 

Hope you all are well. Namaste. 

Always learning

So I've decided to wait until January to take the new rounds of examinations. If I'm gonna take an easier or shorter exam it'll be the Law & Ethics, which I'm more prepared for. They're replacing the Clinical Vinyettes with the national exam. So at least at the end of all this, I can practice anywhere within the continental United States. 

Positive thinking right?  Officially I'm not studying. I'm just immersing myself in social work prep books other than TDC material. I think it's good because I'm learning in other forms. The more I read & apply it to work, the more the material sticks in my head. It's not like they're teaching me. Hell, I get punished for teaching myself. 

I pretty much have learned so much in what little time I have been at my newest placement. It's okay though, I'm stronger for it. Every day is a test. Every day I learn something new. My skin get's tougher. They won't break me. 

I am continuing my inward journey, making things positive. Besides, I have no control over what anyone else thinks. Only myself. I have to continue to remind myself of this. 

Yoga had really been helping me. It keeps me grounded, open to new challenges, while getting me flexible. Really works my abs too. 🙏🏼👍🏼😊

Narrative Therapy

So after yesterday's session, or during, my therapist said I'm doing Narrative Therapy on myself. It's basically taking the problem, looking at it outside of yourself & creating a solution. I didn't really see that until she pointed it out. I always associated Narrative w/ creating a new story, but now, I will always remember it. 

I suppose it's because I'm looking at everything from a different perspective. I'm attempting to not give the exams more power than they should have. I also looked back & can see how much stronger clinically I am because I've been forced to take them so many times. So yeah, I have taken the problem & looked at it outside of myself. 

I'm focusing on all the positives & learning how to grow as a person. Ashtanga Yoga is helping me with that. Not just the advanced poses, but it's making me go inside & that's where you do all the work. Trying to be less frustrated with myself & having lots of patience. Forgiving others, even if I don't feel they're sorry for what they've done. I forgive, for myself. I don't have a right to know how others feel about me, I only have control over myself. I'm doing the best to keep it positive & stay strong in all aspects of my life. 

Thanks for joining me on this journey. 

Upekshanam or Equanimity

I am learning that we are more than what our goals are. I started "pouring" myself more into one aspect of my life & was severely disappointed. But you know, I have to remind myself here & there that my work does not define me. That exam, does not define who I am.

I have always been so many things. A daughter, sister, girlfriend, pup mom, runner, social worker & now a yogi. I am learning to change my perspective & reminding myself that I will get disappointed, I won't succeed at everything every time. But what I will do is get up, dust myself off, and try again.  I have always been really good at that. 

I am getting more into the inward journey of yoga. For the past 4 years, I did yoga as cross-training for running. But I'm finding it so much more rewarding when you go deeper into the practice. The poses are one thing, but I find myself all over more balanced when I just focus on the moment. Practice mindfulness, like I used to teach. 

It's just a natural evolution so to speak, I think. My path has just lead me this way. God & the universe have pulled me in this direction, it has taken a few things to pull me this way. Now I'm fully accepting my journey & enjoying all the steps. 

I'm actually happier now & not letting anything bother me. Practicing upekshanam, being more calm, not let things get to me so much. It's actually been good. 

I'm really enjoying this inward journey. Practicing what I preach, I'm not gonna let the exam get the better of me. I'm also working on some things, namely, anxiety. It's actually really going well. I'll say that much. 

Anyway, if you're reading, thank you. Hope you have a nice day! 

The plans in place...

Everything is set for when I want to begin studying again. I'm gonna give myself at least 3 months of a break. I'm glad to know everything is in place for when I want to start up again. 

So I'm focused on my race in August, after that I'll be back in study mode. By then I'll be deep in therapy. 

I feel good about this plan. I'm not going to let these challenges get me down. 

My new plan.

So I contacted Therapist Development Center. They suggested I take a 4 month break, then contact them 2 months before I'm scheduled to take it again. I'm also doing something else. I hired a therapist, and I'm doing CBT. Doing CBT on myself. 

I think this was supposed to happen, I have some automatic thoughts that need to go away. I think, even if it's an arduous process...and it sometimes eats at me inside, this has to happen. It's letting me get inside, & I haven't allowed this to happen. 

Like my friend told me the other day, everyone struggles in an area. This just happens to be my area. I will welcome this struggle with open arms. Learning process, with myself. Not just to pass, but to go deeper within myself. 

#perspective

Yet again, I didn't pass

This time, I missed passing again by 6. At least I'm consistent. I guess the lesson is that I haven't learned what I'm supposed to have learned. This was my 4th try, 3 I actually prepared for really. But again, I failed. 

I was super positive. I actually learned from this material. I'm stronger in Legal and Diagnosis. I missed more on the other sections. I could recite to you the entire ethics, but clearly, when read to me in a subjective question, I cannot answer you the way the BBS wants me to. 

That's really it. I'm not answering the way the BBS wants me too. 

I can do the job. I have good clinical skills. But I have yet to learn how the BBS wants me to think. 

It doesn't help when I have parental figures telling me to get licensed already. As if I don't want to, as if I want to be in limbo land of being unlicensed. It is my goal to take this test as much times as possible. Like I love seeing the word, FAIL when I finish a 4 hour exam. 

It hurts so much. I can't even put it into words. 

Do good, my brother said. 

No one gets it. Stop telling me I'll get it next time. I feel like such a failure. Fail. I always see fail. The one exam I care so much about. FAIL. 

I have no words. 

I guess I'll wait for my testing company to get back to me. I already sent them 3 emails. I need them to help me. They said they'll be w/ me till I pass. I hope so. I really hope so. 

LA Marathon 2015

First I want to thank the residents of LA because every single one of them & their grandmothers were out there cheering all of us on at the LA Marathon.  They were giving us bananas, oranges, grapes, water, Gatorade, Beer, Pizza, and Chili Dogs, and that was just from the residents, not from the volunteers or race staff.  At different points of the race I had oranges, grapes, a Popsicle, a marshmallow, and I cannot forget that lady who put the chip bag right in front of my face and would not let me leave her until I took some.  THANK YOU. 

The residents were also at every single part of the race after you left the stadium.  They made me feel not so alone.  I thought I was gonna do well, even with my throat hurting and I could barely talk.  I was trying to fool myself into feeling better.  It didn’t work. 

 I aimed for a PR (as I always do) which I set at the 25th LA Marathon the inaugural race course in 2010, which happens to be this race course.  I ran this race in perfect weather, and in a torrential rain storm, I KNEW I could do it.  Then slowly my dream went away with each mile.  Then I said, okay sub 5, your training was awesome.  Then the heat just started getting hotter and hotter, so the only goal was to finish.  I told myself that I KNEW this course.  I was gonna suck it up, and finish, no matter what. 

Not even half way I was feeling like crap, random strangers even told me I looked like crap, well, not that I looked like crap but they kept asking me if I was okay.  Well, Pete did too, and even though I didn’t feel that great, I was gonna just push through.  I tried to distract myself, I couldn’t listen to music because I couldn’t use my charger, I forgot that extender so I couldn’t listen to music.   But I heard all my friends’ comments, and tweets.  My phone would beep after I would randomly post something on Facebook, I knew you were trying to encourage me to keep going.

Shannie and Pete met me at different spots and give me water and gummies, they saved me and gave me something to look forward too.

I saw people on the ground, and I saw someone collapse in front of me in the Rodeo Drive area, then I saw staff rush to her rescue.  Thank you LA Marathon staff for being everywhere.  You were more prepared for whatever would happen yesterday.

It was a humbling experience, I didn’t cry, I tried to push when I could, but I cramped up in places I have never cramped up before.  My shin’s of all places & my quads.  So thank you again lady around mile 23/24 who put the bag of chips in my face and wouldn’t let me leave.  THANK YOU.  I tried to run it in from 25, but I could only run with long walk breaks.  It helped that runners who finished were volunteering near the end and were saying encouraging things.

  

Thank you for everything residents of LA, LA Marathon staff, my family and friends.  Thank you for helping me get through 26.2+ miles because Mother Nature was not being nice at all.