...

She can't talk, they took out the tube earlier today & it seems even with her non verbal communication she's slowly decompensating. She recognized me though & she speaks with her eyes. She's still in there, but not all the time. 

She looks so peaceful as she sleeps, I hope she can fully rest tonight. 

You can sense everyone's getting mentally drained. It's so hard to see someone who was so full of life, just slowly drift away from us. 

Lord, whatever is your will, please do. I hate seeing her in so much pain. I don't care if I lose sleep, or am exhausted. Just do what's best & please keep my brother strong. 

Exhaustion

Today I pulled the quickest turnaround trip. I went back home, picked up my electronic massage shocker, Oscar's shocker, clothes, hygiene/bathroom things & running gear. Then went straight to Starbucks & came back to my brothers. 

When I got back I slept a little, then completely knocked out...this was also after drinking coffee. You can say I was beyond exhausted. 

But it's okay, now I'm sitting in the dark ready to help Kristy however she needs me. This time, I'm prepared w/ higher powered massage methods. 

Just listening to them pray, while I make sure the music still plays & if she needs me, I'm here. 

Please continue to give me the strength to do what she needs. 

💔

Strength

Every time she asks me to squeeze, I ask God for more strength so I can squeeze harder. Every time she moves, I check to see if she's okay. Although it breaks my heart, I know we have to allow for some self determination, so I only do anything when she calls for me. She recognizes me, I am thankful for this. 

I refuse to be weak, when she's still fighting. So when I run, I run for her. When I don't want to do anything, I think of her. 

I ask God to help her & give me strength to help her.  To help me squeeze harder, be stronger, help alleviate her pain.  Please take away her pain. 

Help me to adapt as the bathroom process always changes & just keep giving me the strength to help her at this time. 

Please. 

Time

It escapes is constantly. No one will be here forever & how we spend it is key.

I made a decision this week to take the rest of the week off to help out my sister in law. You see, she's had this stomach cancer since 2007 & now her health is declining. She's pretty much deteriorating before our eyes. My brother said she had signs of dementia the other day, so I kept asking him if he wanted me to help...he kept saying not yet. After thinking & praying about it, this was a good decision to come. Not just to help relieve my brother & brothers in laws...but because I needed to help for me. 

Kristy & I have always had a good relationship. She's the kind of person that is always there for you, no matter what. The best part about her is that she changed my brother. Not that he was a bad guy, she made him sparkle more & just be a better human. 

We all need people in our lives like her. So now I help massage her, help w/ bathroom duties or whatever else I can to ease her pain. I also pray for a miracle, pray that she makes it through this. She's a fighter. Most people would have given up, but not her. 

This is a true lesson in humility. To help those who can't do anything for you, just because you love them. You find out who truly loves you in these times. 

People have asked me what am I going to do?  I don't have an answer to that. I'm here to support my sister in law, my brother & my family. Because we love each other. There was a time when we have been so busy we don't or didn't check in, except on the holidays. This is a cruel joke (sometimes, I think) to remind us to have constant contact for those we love. We're not going to be here forever, even if some people feel immortal. 

We should always take the time to tell those you care about you love them. Take the time to be there & spend time...not money on them. 

You never know what kind of cruel joke will be given to you. 

💔