Today was a really good day.

♥️🥰

Gen UCAN 25% Discount

If you want to check out GenUcan, what I use for training & races. 

Check this out: https://ucan.co/shop/share/eileenjoyesporo/

Fiesta Fun Run - 10k

I can't believe I came in 2nd this year for the Fiesta Fun Run - 10k!  The second half was tough since it was hot, but I kept turning over and pushing forward!  Really I was following my "rabbit" in the orange shirt, and just did not give up.  Yassss!!

 

143♥️

 "To achieve peak happiness—autonomy, competence and relatedness—we have to do what we believe, do it well, keep getting better at it and connect to other people in the process. The surest way to achieve all that is to live authentically." 

- Kennon Sheldon, Ph.D

It's been 5 years....

 I still miss you.

Love Mama.

1:55:15

I set my last PR at this race in 2019.  I've run this race since then, and I finally broke that time after 4 years.  My times were up and down, until this year.  I have trained so hard to cut of 53 seconds.  

Got injured at the end of 2020 and have been working on healing since then.  At the end of 2022 I started feeling like myself.  Regardless of this injury, I never stopped working.  In 2021 - the end of 2022 my race times weren't what I expected. Constantly disappointed with myself.   

Emotionally I was broken because of things not running related, but I continued to push and do the work.

Change happens when you least expect it, and I am finally happy.  Not because of the results, but because the journey that took me here.  You know all the steps you took, the work you put in, and although most people just see the time.  I see everything else.  I also know I have more in me, and I'm going to keep working.

Happiness comes from within, and I'm working on that as well.  I can finally say that I am truly happy.  Not complacent, or content, I'm actually happy these days.

Thanks for reading.

On the eve of my 49th year....

So this year has been filled with a lot of up's and downs to say the least...  

• My second oldest brother moved away to another country, then he got married towards the end of the year. 
• I PR'd for the 10k and 5k, and I did sub 2 a half this year, not my best sub 2, but I did it.  Also, because I paced a faster group I PR'd at SFM - First Half.  But didn't do that great for the marathon.  Let's just say the last part of the year wasn't great for my running.  But to be fair I ran a marathon the weekend before I ran Monterey Bay Half so I missed another sub 2 by seconds...
• I have been working through an old injury, with recently another injury started bothering me, but I figured what I needed to do to rehab and heal quicker. 
• My Ninang died earlier in the year.
• My Pug Love, Lizzie Loo Loo decided to go to the Rainbow Bridge to join her younger/bigger brother. After she reached her 15th birthday.  Oh how I miss her howls, but I understand it was her time to leave us.
• A long time relationship ended for me, but to be fair it has been fading.
• I am exploring a situation, and it makes me happy. Haven't felt that feeling in a long time.
• Toki and Boston are quite healthy, they dislike each other strongly, but that's how they roll.

So what did I learn?  Happiness does not hide in being content or complacent.  I was perfectly content being unhappy.  I found other ways to find some happiness or satisfaction. I turned off feelings and told myself that this is what it would be like for the rest of my life.  Like I had no control of my feelings, which as a therapist, I know is not true.  The only thing I truly have control of is my actions and my feelings.  So once I fully allowed myself to let go...I surprised myself to find myself in something else, a situation if you will, that makes me happy.  Now I know I'm going to take my time to fully heal.  I sometimes get mad at myself for not leaving earlier, but what good would that be to keep getting mad at myself?

I have to trust myself more.  So moving forward, I choose myself, and I choose those that make me happy.  Like puppies who go crazy for treats, running shoes, running clothes and things that make my heart happy.

Looking back at my life, I'm not exactly at where I thought I'd be at 49 or even the eve of 49.  I've done a lot of silly things in the past, but I'm still here, growing, evolving.

Thankful

I’m thankful for my friends and family who have reminded me of my worth. And truthfully, one door closes, another one opens. And I’m here for it. 

In case there are people out there who still read this.

So It's December 1, 2022.  Nothings really happened, but something has.  

I'm single again.  

He broke up with me after over 10 years.  

I'm still the same person.  

I still run.  

I'm still an LCSW. 

I still work in a prison and on the TalkSpace App.  

I am just not in a relationship.

This is the first time I'm putting this online in one of my "forums."

That's all.

Reminders

Every holiday I end up watching either a Star Wars Marathon or Harry Potter Marathon. Star Wars I started watching because of my brothers & the same with Happy Potter. 

My second oldest brother always challenged me to do something new, so I followed him a in a lot of things. He influenced me a lot as I was growing up. 

So whenever I’m flipping channels & switch to TNT on a long weekend, I watch, it kind of reminds me how it was before. When we would all look forward to new movies, or remakes. You take that for granted as you get older. 

He’s leaving soon. Gonna move to another county, where I don’t always get to see him. I know I haven’t been there a lot, but I do make time for him on the holidays. Or whenever a new movie is coming out. 

I know he knows how important he is to me. Influenced me as I got older. To always focus on a new challenge, instead of continuing to do the same. He practically raised me, him & my oldest brother. We were latch key kids. 

Now he’ll be away. Too bad I can’t wave my wand to visit. Or jump in my Tye Fighter. 

On the last day of my 45th year...

To sum up this year has been filled with change. Career wise, at the beginning of the year I was applying for a position, then 4 months later I started, 8 months after that, I passed probation. Growth. In as little as 8 months, I have grown so much as a supervisor & as a LCSW. Learning how to take on personalities on another level would do that to someone. I’m getting better at the come backs too...at least I’m trying. 

Running wise I finally have gotten to a sub 2 half marathon level & I did that for more than half of my halves throughout the year. I even knocked off a few more minutes on my marathon PR. Still, a work in progress. Figuring out my weight after a medication change, but I sense my muscle gain. Also, speed is here. I just need to get rid of this pesky cold. 

We adopted a new babe. He fits in all of Jersey’s things. I think Jersey would approve, he even has most of Chulo’s mannerisms. But I still do miss him so. 

The girls are age’ing nicely. My friend gave me some stairs & Lizzie has learned to climb up & down. O used a lot of treats the first day, after that she just used them more. Toki just likes to jump. She also likes her stylish hair, that mama continues to do. 

O & I are good. Because of our work I still won’t post pictures. I’m still keeping my FB name, because inmates found me & can figure out who I am regardless of how I hide my name. They even sent me letters at home & my 115 meant nothing because of a green clinician. But I pray she learns & not the way I had too. 

Change is inevitable & good. At least it has been good this year. I’m excited to see what’s going to happen next. So on the eve of another new year, I thank everyone for all the learning lessons. I grew because of each & every one of them. 🥂

Decade of Change...

This has been the decade of change. In 2010 I was finally able to secure a job where I could collect my hours towards my LCSW. That was also the year I started with the prison population. When DMH turned into DSH & 2 years later I went to the dark side aka CDCR. 

I also started speeding up in my marathons & halves. Learning more of what I could do with my body, how hard I could push & what I wanted to do. 

I collected all my hours while @ CDCR. But that test was the death of me. So I made a decision to try something different. Applied to Monterey County for the Crisis Team & ended up working the NOC shift for 18 or so months, then finally I passed both new exams. So thankful the BBS changed the exams. 

So I went back to CDCR & learned even more when I joined the MHCB team. Just a quick recap. I worked in a Level IV prison for 7.5 years. DMH, EOP, MHCB & as CIT. In mental health, there’s lots of acronyms. I made a lot of friends in prison, some of which I’m still close with. I even got a letter at home from an inmate, @ at my desk in CTC. Thankfully that person has a life sentence, so we’ll worry when that changes. 

I didn’t break any PR’s until I figured out how to get stronger all over. That started in 2017. I learned about VSU first, Iron Strength by @drjordanmetzl, then the @sweat app. I always did weights, but for some reason that wasn’t enough. It didn’t challenge my body like what I’m doing now. So once I started doing that I started beating myself. 

In 2018 I finally broke my 8 year old marathon PR, then I did that 2 more times & broke a course PR by an hour at @bsimevents. Trust me, that was a big deal. 🏃🏻‍♀️🐶🐾

In 2019 I finally sub 2’d @ a half marathon. Not just once, but 7 times, one in my Newton’s & the rest in Vaporflys or Next %’s. 🏃🏻‍♀️

We also lost very important special people. @kcesporo, I miss you so much. You always treated me like a sister. You were the person for my brother. It was always a treat to be near you. When I first met you, you treated me like family. 

Then on February 6, 2018 Jersey lost his fight with Cancer. That broke my heart more than anyone would ever know. I didn’t know how I would keep going. He was my first son. I couldn’t run, didn’t want to work, couldn’t really focus. I eventually did, I used a lot of distractions, which is why I worked out a lot & I eventually got faster. But I know whenever I’m out there, he’s with me. Not just on my right thigh, in my heart. 

This year I stopped being a Padawan, & became a Master. Well, I went back to Monterey County as the Supervisor of the Crisis Team. I was recruited & after I accepted the position, I was told they wanted me back since I left. I’m ending my 8th month as of today. 

“It has to challenge you to change you. “ - Becs Gentry

This was the decade of change & believing in myself. I stopped needing other people’s approval, ended friendships that were bringing me down. Cut the fat. Love my people hard. Started to be kinder to myself in the process. 

So 2020, let’s see what you bring. Looking forward to it. 

I miss you

It's been a year and 8 months...

Mama misses you baby.  Sending you so much love over the rainbow bridge...

Changes

So it's been more than a few months.  It's been 6 to be exact.  So I left my old job, and I finally promoted, but not in the same agency, I went back to my old agency and was promoted there.  You know, I bounce back and forth from SVSP to County and back, but i'm back to County.  Go figure.  It's been more than few months doing this job, and I'm starting to feel like I'm making an impact, at least that's what people tell me.

Weird right?

Oh and I'm a Run Gum Ambassador, hit this link for a discount!

I'm also a Giants Race Ambassador, so if you haven't signed up for the Giants Race, use TGREILEEN5 for a $5.00 discount.

One more!  Hold on.  I'm also a Koala Clip ambassador, so if you want 10% off use, ActionTeam19!

I know, I've been keeping myself busy.

In a few weeks I'll be running SeaWheeze Half Marathon again, I'm gonna try and PR there.  We'll see because I gained a little weight from vacation a few weeks ago and it's all finally starting to make movement to the right direction.  You don't know how happy I was when I saw the scale this morning.

Oh and I ran SFM First Half last weekend, well, I paced the 2:20 group and came in at 2:19:45.  Came in perfectly!  YEAH!!!

I'll catch you guys later.  I'll try to be more consistent with this!  :)

It’s been a while...

According to my last entry, I missed another year. But 2018 started like hell, my heart broke & then we started rebuilding. 

My Jersey crossed the Rainbow Bridge on February 6, 2018 @ 4:30 am. His battle with cancer was a difficult one & December the year before he got an infection that never really went away. I miss him so much. 

My focus last year was to rebuild myself. I did Iron Strength, BBG & focused on running long distance without intervals. I continued my run streak, and stayed with my usual training plans. At the Chicago Marathon 2018 I finally broke my old PR, then at CIM, I broke it again. 

What helped me the most was focusing on not just physically getting stronger, but focusing on my mind. Practicing mindfulness while on the run & on my own time. I focused on callousing & getting better at the simple act of running. 

At the end of January I finally sub 2’d a half marathon, then in February, I did it again. 

Granted I dropped a lot of weight, but I think what’s helped me is consistency, focus & just working on my all over mind body strength. 

I traveled, went to Vancouver, another cruise with my parents, NYC & Chicago. I’ll go to NYC & Vancouver again later this year & another cruise with my family. 

I’m trying to focus on memories & not really collecting things except for pictures. I have a lot of  pictures of my pup son. I miss him every day. I do a lot in honor of him. 

So now you’re all up to date. 

#alwaysinmyheart

Whenever I was injured, I always had someone to turn to. Today I didn't really have her to ask. Unless she was the one who helped me find my solution. She was my personal physical therapist, she even tried to give me a massage on one of our sleep over nights. Always the stubborn one. I just wanted her to get some sleep, but she never really did those nights when she was lucid or not so lucid.

We made a lot of memories over the years, but the best ones were when I stayed over to help. 

Oh I am praying taping, & the inserts will make my 20 miler tomorrow bearable. I just need to get through 20 miles before Big Sur. 

I ran it for her. Actually, this past year, when I started my streak, I always thought of her. One of my fastest 5ks was the day she left us. She is always in my thoughts & #alwaysinmyheart. 

So with each step, tomorrow is for you K. Santa Cruz, BSIM & Chicago. Whenever I run a race, it's for you & when I train, I will remember why. 

Thank you for reminding me. 💜💙

 

Distractions

I've come to realize that as a therapist I'm trained to figure out my own distraction techniques, however, the bad thing is that I have used a lot of distraction techniques over this entire past year.

I know it's a process & have been completely logical about my process. I don't know if it's because it makes it easier for me to deal with, or, that is just how I'm dealing. I started really resenting people who tried to tell me how I'm supposed to feel, so instead, I've just not. 

DABDA. I know what it means & I know it's different for everyone & she's meant something different to everyone. I know that, I get that. Again, I have been completely logical about it. Maybe it makes me unapproachable or maybe people who are uncomfortable with this...who knows. 

Doesn't matter, this year I've learned who are real & who don't even matter. That's really important in this process. I've also learned not to put expectations on anyone. Cause you'll just get disappointed & ive been disappointed a lot. I'm really over it. 

But back to distractions. I've used it since week 1, studying, testing, getting licensed, getting a new job, working 2 jobs...all the while making sure pup's okay, boyfriends okay, best friends & family are okay. Cause really best friends are family...running family included.  It really makes one tired & I am super tired, even if I get lots & lots of sleep on a quality bed. 

So I've noticed it, & this month is gonna be hard. I've accepted it. This entire year has been hard. I think I'm at the last D & A right now...with dabs of the first A. But if you really care, just make sure I don't go over the edge. I know I don't talk much about it, it's a defense. Trust me, I know. 

 

Goals

So I finally went to my annual doctors appointment to face the truth, I gained weight over this past year. After 2 years of keeping it down, I packed on 5 more lbs & that doctors scale was so painful to look at. I know this past year was full of change & painful things...but it's no excuse.

So I made up some goals for myself, which are the following:

Minimize sugar

Drink 2 of my big bottle of water a day

Focus on macros & lower my calorie intake

Don't push off my long runs (even when I am not feeling it)

Weigh myself truthfully even when I don't like what I see

Less cheat days

No fast food

That's all I have so far, I think that's a good list. Oh man, oh man. I'll get my labs soon & I'll take my Mammy on Monday. Health is so very important & I need to keep it up. If you're small like me, 5 lbs is a. If deal...

 

On the last day of my 42nd year

On the last day as a 42 year old this is what I have learned. You should never expect or have expectations from anyone, you'll get disappointed. I learned who my real people are this year. Death, is very hard to move forward from, I'm still trying, I miss K so much. 

If you keep pursuing your dreams, you'll achieve them. I finally got my L to my CSW. I can pretty much work all shifts in Crisis & probably at the MHCB (Mental Health Crisis Bed at CDCR). I can also assess the hell out of 5150 pts & suicidal/homicidal inmate/patients. In order to learn all of that, I had to take myself out of my comfort zone...work 16 months as the NOC Shift Crisis Intervention Specialist at Natividad Hospital. But hell, it might have sucked, I worked all the holidays, & weekends, lost sleep & barely saw my family (BUT I was there when you needed me most, thanks to all the vacation I earned)...I learned. 

My self care is still the same, I run, every single day. Especially when we lost K. I ran even more. I'm actually getting back my speed. It was so nice to hear her say that she admired my running & yoga. I appreciated it more since she's a PT & understood my need to keep at it. So for all of you who don't care for my workout posts, I don't care about that, people have reasons why we do things & this year especially, I needed more of my self care. 

So as I embark on my 43rd year of life, I will do more things. Try more things. Go on an actual vacation where I go on a plane. I know two trips so far, but I still want to go to Hawaii. I'm working on my passport for the Philippines trip & I'm running Chi-town in October. I will get all my CEU's done & I want to be trained in DBT & CBT officially. There's so much more that I want to do, but mostly, be there for my family & friends. 

But this year was significant in so many ways. Lots & lots of learning lessons. I learned the truth. Let's just say that. Thank you all for being a part of it...AND if I learned a lesson from you, good or bad, thank you. 

 

It's been quite the year & eight months.

I've been at my current place of employment for a year & eight months. Two months into it I thought, what the hell was I thinking??  My focus soon became (as if it ever changed) just pass, pass that daymn exam. Of course come April I failed by 7. Got really mad at myself, then I saw the reality of my situation. How people on this "team" aren't abiding by our ethics, but I was also reminded that on this "team" it's not just MSW's. You'd think that if you were in this field, you'd want to help others, work together & be understanding. So not the case. I was upset about failing, so instead of talk to me about it, complain to your supervisor that I'm moody. That is the way you handle that type of situation. I learned early on to just shut up, it was like DMH all over again. 

That's just one of the many things that have happened while on this "team."   The way they treat you, it's like I was in Mean Girls, I couldn't believe it. Till this day I'm in Mean Girls. They don't work together & if you leave work for them, they question why you didn't do it. It's not like they have caseloads & it's not always busy.  Or if there's a change in your schedule & no one told them, they need to know why & again with the questioning. 

Not all on the "team" are bad. My supervisor is really trying, but it's hard to pull together a broken down group that refuses to work together. Talk behind everyone's back, that's what it's like here. Mean girls. I think I didn't push to change my shift because I didn't want to work on a shift with them. 

I have learned many things after working here: You can't trust people, you say one thing, they go & spread it. The trust circle needs to be tight.  I have stronger boundaries because I had to deal w/ a borderline who is probably bipolar as well.  You need breaks & as much as possible. If you don't want to say something, don't. You don't have to justify anything to anyone who's not your supervisor. Karma is a bitch & will bite you in the ass. But I knew that one already. 

I hope they learn lessons, I know I have. I do not wish bad things on anyone, but I do hope they learn.