Now she rests

At 0716 I received a text from my brother that Kristy's bp was low & it was time. I was still at work. I told him I would go home, run, give Jersey his cancer pills, get ready & drive down. As I was running I heard her. She told me not to back off my pace, she told me to come to see her, she wanted me there. 

Considering how I've been feeling, I ran a pretty fast 5k. Got home, gave Jersey his pills. Tried to call Oscar, ended up messaging him. I forgot what day it was. Told him what was happening. Then I went to get ready. Then my other brother called, she left. It was 9:30 AM. He asked me to send my parents a message. I did. I told Oscar, he asked if I needed him to come home. I said if he wanted too, he asked agin & I said yes. 

I got ready. He got home 45 or so minutes later & we headed down. 

When we got there there was a lot of people in the house. Jessica told me her body was upstairs, I needed to see her. She was a shadow of her former self. To be honest, she's been declining this past month. I last saw her at the beginning of the month. She was in more pain than I have ever seen her. Then to see her yesterday, I was crushed. I held her hand. I felt her squeeze back, I know she did. 

For the most part I stayed in her room with her family. I felt I needed to be there. I stayed there until they came to take her body. Before they did, I kissed her forehead, told her I loved her & stepped to the side. I didn't want to watch them wrap her up to bring her downstairs. 

Only the family followed her to the van. It was so hard to watch them put her into the van. I told her, "love you lots, K."  She said that since the beginning, I know she has always meant it. 

You have to understand. I don't have any biological sisters, I am the only girl with three older brothers. I have 2 best friends who are females, they're sisters to me & I have 2 sister in laws. I have always been closer to Kristy out of the two. She has always been someone who was so open and loving and she is a sister to me. She had that sense about her. She always wanted to talk about what you're going through and she always understood. She understood my struggles and tried to help. At one point she was going to help me go over practice exams to help me with my licensing exams. 

She was always helping you, but when she got sick she didn't want to talk about it. They kept it between them, I know she didn't want to be a burden and trust me she never was. Like I told her and her family, if I had a choice to do it all over again, I would. 

Initially, we all spent a great amount of time together. We went snowboarding, they showed me auto cross, they took me to movies & because of Noel & Kristy I found my love of Harry Potter. Even when I moved down south, or clear across the country, she showed me she cared. Not just on vacations or when I was home. She reached out when she could, I appreciate that more than she probably knew. 

So when the time came & I helped her at night time to make sure she was okay. That time was precious to me. It was our "sleep over" time. I massaged her legs, helped do what she needed & I made sure she knew that I was there for her, not to be embarrassed or not to feel a burden. I was there because I love her. Some of my favorite memories were during those times. I even introduced her to the Big Bang Theory. We talked about future plans, going to Hawaii after I was licensed and what may happen. If I had more vacation time or FMLA, I would have stayed longer. 

Now all I have is the memories. I am forever grateful that I have them. She is family, her family is my family. We all got closer through this, I think she wanted it this way. 

But regardless, none of this prepared me to see her yesterday, none of it. I thought she would fight through. She was gaining some weight, eating more. For Chris's birthday we all got together. I was her eyes, I face timed from downstairs so she could make sure everything was done properly. That was so, Kristy.  That was a good day. 

Seeing her yesterday, you die a little on the inside. I know she is at peace now, her spirit free and no more pain. But part of you dies when a loved one leaves this world. 

I know I was just a sister in law, but like I said, she was like a sister I never had. She was pure love, giving her all. To her faith, to her family. She tried to force God to take her, but he took her when it was time. 

I thank you Lord for bringing her to my brother, for bringing our families together. I miss you lots, K. I love you lots, K. It's not going to be the same. You are so brave. You did it all with a smile on your face, and even in death I know you're smiling. Do me a favor? Show yourself sometime. I know I hear you as I run, but show me you're okay. 

Love you lots, K. 

My vegetarian/pescetarian journey

It's been a little over a month, & I don't miss meat. I need to up my workouts again since I've been slacking after Oakland...as my legs recovered.  Well, I did bring it part back up to get ready for #BSIM, which is in exactly a week. Then 2 weeks from that I'm pacing my friend in a 100k. After that I'm back to half marathon training & I will ramp up the weights again. 

Chicken less strips, tofu, lots of salmon, the occasional sushi...it's all yum. Trying cauliflower rice, quinoa & much more salad. I actually have more energy w/ less sleep, but I need to catch up on that too. This revamping has been an adventure, even looking for local restaurants hasn't been terrible. Trader Joes is the best place, but Safeway has good options as well. In my area it's easier to make it myself, since I'm surrounded by fast food & a non variety type of restaurants. 

Oh, I have added another challenge for me. I'm back to limiting my sugar intake. The struggle is so real. Of course I finished all the treats in the house & haven't bought anything since. 

Wish me luck, I'm really trying to trim down & it's hard at my size. The more I lose the faster I'll be & that's the ultimate goal. 

I'm including a pic of my new favorite training area. I burned more calories there  than actually doing 2 miles running. I'll be including it in my weekly workouts. 👍🏽

Infusions

Pup had his first infusion last week & next week he gets a break. We're also almost done with his prednisone, down to 0.25 every other day. He's been reacting to the treatment well. His energy is up & he's all about "pay attention to me" mode. Oh how I love this boy. His sisters will be happy when he's completely off the pred. Then he won't be so aggressive taking their treats. 

His energy has been up & lately he's been a happy boy. Doctor said he's peeing out the cancer cells. Super happy about that. Be gone make multicentric lymphoma! We don't want you here!

Thanks for the support everyone! The boy appreciates it very much. 

Multicentric Lymphoma

We started him on chemotherapy today & it's a 15 week treatment. We are to taper him off his steroids, so he will be done w/ them at the end of the month. 

The best part is that it's affordable. The vet didn't even do an ultrasound because she knows the chemo will treat whatever stage he's at. They're gonna be sending us his oral pills & we go in the office for his injections. 

So I get to lower the donation page & I am thankful for those that have already donated to help pay for his chemo. I don't think I would qualify for the organization that helps pay for canine cancer, I would have to have gone bankrupt & I haven't done that.  I'll just cut back a little (i.e. eat home & cook more) & maybe w/ the help of donations #teamjersey will make it though this. 

Thank you lord for helping us get through this. Thank you my friends & family for the prayers. I have also forgiven the vet, she sat us down & made us feel comfortable. Also, I really like this oncologist, she made all of us feel okay about what we're up against. 

Thank you all for the support. This guy will be begging for food for a long time coming. 😘

For my son.

Jersey was only going to be a temporary part of my life in 2009, but he stole my heart & I told his owner (or the parents of his owner) that I was going to keep him.  I officially changed his name to Jersey & gave him my last name.  Took him to the vet and that was that.  Even his microchip has me listed as his mama.

When we moved to the area that we live now, it was him, me and his 2 little/big sisters, Toki and Lizzie.  He has filled my heart with such love, he has been my protector, son, running partner, stealer of food, and stealer of all hearts.  Everyone that meets him want to hug and love him.

In 2012 I met my boyfriend, and I thought we were in trouble.  But Jersey showed him his heart, and I pretty much got replaced.  O likes to call him his shadow now, they go everywhere together, and even when I initially say no, all Jersey has to do is look at me with those big brown eyes and I always say yes.

I say all this because recently we were told that Jersey has lymphoma, it's treatable, but as he did not technically come out of me (although I always say he was born from me), he is not covered under my insurance plan.  I am reaching out to you, the public, family and friends.  I donate to all kinds of organizations, I support when I can, but I know this is going to be expensive.  I'm going to have to cut back, and probably cannot be as generous as I have been in the past to places that I have donated for.  I am but a mere Social Worker & as I am only half licensed, I don't get paid that much.

So that's our story.  We were told until we see the oncologist we wouldn't know what we're in for yet.  We'll need tests to see what Stage he's at, we think he's at Stage III at this point.  We were explained the difference in chemotherapy in humans and doggies, and that there is only one way this will end...and that the point of all of this is to keep him happy and to have a comfortable life.  Right now he's going to be running, catching ball and annoying the girls as long as he can.  He is an amazing puppy, and I know most people don't like Pitbull’s, but I blame the media and ignorance for that.  They are the sweetest, most loving of all breeds.  If you feel generous to donate to keep my son happy and comfortable, anything would be welcome.  I thank you in advance, we all thank you and appreciate that you took the time to read this.

To donate:  https://www.gofundme.com/8kvc7a9v

He has lymphoma.

That's how the vet said it, then I told her that the Benedryl has been helping & she blurted out, "it is cancer." Over the fucking phone. I couldn't even react & she asks if I want to do a steroid treatment or see an oncologist & she expects an answer at that moment. I asked about the steroids & she said when I picked up the pills she will give me the oncologists information. Then that was that. 

That's how I found out my baby boy, Jersey has cancer. 

We got the inflammation down with the Benedryl & I just gave him his second steroid medication. He's probably wondering why he gets a snack in bed, he doesn't say no though. He loves food, probably even stuff he can't eat. 

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to contact the oncologist & figure out a plan. Study really hard & pass the second exam because I'm gonna need to get paid more to pay for future treatments. I'm also going to look for a new vet. I told her I was worried about his engorged balls near his pee pee at his last examination. She said, "oh he's just excited because he did that with me." Didn't she know he doesn't have his balls anymore?? They were swollen lymph nodes!! I miss his old vets & Banfield Salinas is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. 

We're going to do what we can to keep baby more than comfortable & happy. I swear, any sound & I'm by his side in seconds. We will get through this. 💙

5 attempts in 3 years.

It took 5 attempts, 3 years, 3 different study material companies & 2 job changes before I finally saw that 4 letter word. PASS. Oh it was amazing to see my letter. So friken amazing. 

I have heard it all.  Study harder, just keep at it, you'll get it next time. This isn't the type of exam that you memorize everything. It's the kind you have to use clinical justification & you have to answer the way they want you too. It's subjective. I've always been close, once I missed it by 3, the furthest by 6. But this time, this time I dove into my material. Not only did I use all what they gave me, I made notecards & I taught whoever who would listen the material. 

I applied it in my new position, I did whatever was legal or ethical. I abided by all the rules, so much so I was OCD about it. I obsessed about being ethical, making sure I did everything by the rules so I had it burned into my brain. So I do believe I have traits of OCD & OCPD because I made damn sure I did everything correctly, wrote it all out perfectly, and applied it in all I did. 

I worked on my anxiety issues. Used yoga, meditation, mindfulness & therapy. I knew it was the test, not me, I just needed to figure out the best solutions. I was told I used narrative therapy to work on myself & with all that I do I finally got that letter that I wanted. 

This has not been easy, I'm not a good test taker. I prefer essay to explain myself. I hate multiple choice exams. But you have to be able to do it their way so you can practice & do your job. So I bended, little by little I became more confident in my skills as a clinician. Then today I am closer than I have been before. 

I truly believe everything happens when it's supposed too. Before this year we were only licensed in California, after I pass the national exam, I can move & not worry about hours or re-taking everything in the new state. 

Finally it's happening, I got my validation. 🙏🏽 

Meal time

That's the start of our time. We helped her into the rocking chair, prepared her food, I heated up mine & we have breakfast...or late dinner. I'm really enjoying this time & I'm glad she enjoys it as well. It's our catch up time before she get's sleepy & I rock her. 

I've really enjoyed this time & I'll miss her when I'm at work. Time, it's quite valuable. It's easier to practice mindfulness when I'm with her. I value & enjoy our little routines. 

After a stretching session she can finally rest. I pray that she won't be in any more pain. I know she doesn't feel strong, but she is. One does not hold on & keep pushing if they are weak. She has a strength that only a few can handle & for who knows why, she was picked. I pray for peace. I pray that this, this will pass.  

Today was a good day.

She's lucid & instead of sleeping, she wanted to talk.  She's enjoying our time together, as I am. I updated her w/ everything that goes on at work & she knows this week I'm going back to work. She requests that I bring down Big O the next time I'm off. I'm really glad we have this time. 

We ate together, I had her brother help me prepare her food, I heated up my food & we had a meal together. Just like "normal."  We had regular conversation, she updated me w/ what I've missed over the past few days & she documented her eating & we had an estimated time for the bathroom. 

When I was rocking her she wanted to see what I was doing & I showed her the show I was watching. So we watched an episode of NCIS & I introduced her to the Big Bang Theory thanks to the CBS app. She's really enjoying our time together, it's great to see her smile & really get to talk. 

My exhaustion went away, just being in the moment has been great. Especially now, I put away my anxious thoughts about things I can't control & just am enjoying our time together. Today...was a good day. 

Kristy massage. 💙

She wanted to exercise her hands, so we  found a way that she can massage my feet, while I massaged her legs.  I didn't want her to get tired, but I was taking advantage of her lucidity & allowed for her self determination. 

She's writing everything down now. We started with what she ate at 00:30 to when she needed the bathroom & what leads to needing it. Time frames so we can gauge it better, every little bit helps. 

This is the best I've seen her over these past two weeks. She even asked me to talk about my marathoning, what I do at work & what it takes to get licensed. 

Someone told me when they start to feel better, then they let go. I'm praying for a miracle, but I'm also praying for peace. I know she doesn't feel good about this all. I told her not to worry & I am here for her. She figured out this morning that I used a good part of my vacation time to help out & I know she appreciated it. 

I'm just glad I was able to help & she's really feeling comfortable. This really has been an exercise in humility. I know she's in there, I just want her to have peace. She deserves it. 

💙 

Rainy nights...

I am fueled by 5 or so hours of sleep & a venti soy butterscotch latte. It reminds me of butterbeer. My sweet reward for today's long run. So I begin my watch for the night. They're trying some new things to help her be more comfortable throughout the night...and she's able to tell us when she needs the bathroom. 

It's nice to come on nights like this, I can sense she feels better. More lucid. She's making a lot of sense. Maybe it's the weather, rainy weather always makes us think clearer...right?

I ran for her today, I was super exhausted. I was thinking of every excuse to not run. It was raining, cold, I was tired, hungry, the pups need me. But I just put one foot in front of the other, waived to those on the trail & kept it moving. The hills were hard today, you just don't know. I also walked more inside the trail, but I was welcomed by the most amazing views. I went a little deeper in and it was worth it. I also fought with my jacket a lot, that's what really slowed me down...I kept stopping to take it off, then I didn't want my jacket to stop my watch so I turned it back on to take off or put on my jacket. Little things, lots of little things today. 

What kept me going was Kristy. When I'm tired, I say do it for her, run for her, run faster so you can get home to rest...you're going over there tonight. You need your strength to help lift her, massage her & to stay awake. 

She's comfortable, that's my job. I have to remember to be gentle. Her skin is sensitive, so be light, be patient, you're here for her. I just want her to be comfortable now. Even her voice is more normal (as evidenced by rate, rhythm & volume) it's nice. 

Praying for peace...always.

Sitting in the dark...

Every day is different. I never know what to expect, so I wait to get new direction. New methods, new schedules, new whatever...while I sit in the dark watching. Sometimes I feel kinda stalkerish. Does that sound weird? It's how I feel. 

She trying, always moving, trying to exercise & have movement. 

At the same time I can tell she's tired, the simplest thing makes her tired. But she still tries. 

I wish I could give her some of my strength. But all I can do is sit here & stay in stalker mode until she calls out for me. 

Breathe in, breathe out...stay focused.

Stay focused. Don't worry about things out of your control. Those are the thoughts that have been in my head. Be present, stay mindful in the moment you are in. Enjoy the time you have with her. 

She looks so peaceful sleeping. I sometimes wonder what she's thinking. I wish I had the power of telepathy, that would be awesome. I tried asking questions today, seeing if she wanted to see anyone. I wanted to go deeper, I wanted to tell her about things going on with me...like I used too. But instead I held back, I told myself to be here for her. She's not a patient, you don't need all the answers. You're not assessing her. Besides, if anything it's delirium due to a medical condition. When she's lucid, she's good. She recognized me today, it looked like a good day. 

Stay focused, don't get anxious about things out of your control. Even if some things annoy you. In time, when it's supposed to happen, it will be. 

Oh & lotus pose is not the easiest to get out of quickly. Just a odd side note. 🙏🏽

...

She can't talk, they took out the tube earlier today & it seems even with her non verbal communication she's slowly decompensating. She recognized me though & she speaks with her eyes. She's still in there, but not all the time. 

She looks so peaceful as she sleeps, I hope she can fully rest tonight. 

You can sense everyone's getting mentally drained. It's so hard to see someone who was so full of life, just slowly drift away from us. 

Lord, whatever is your will, please do. I hate seeing her in so much pain. I don't care if I lose sleep, or am exhausted. Just do what's best & please keep my brother strong. 

Exhaustion

Today I pulled the quickest turnaround trip. I went back home, picked up my electronic massage shocker, Oscar's shocker, clothes, hygiene/bathroom things & running gear. Then went straight to Starbucks & came back to my brothers. 

When I got back I slept a little, then completely knocked out...this was also after drinking coffee. You can say I was beyond exhausted. 

But it's okay, now I'm sitting in the dark ready to help Kristy however she needs me. This time, I'm prepared w/ higher powered massage methods. 

Just listening to them pray, while I make sure the music still plays & if she needs me, I'm here. 

Please continue to give me the strength to do what she needs. 

💔

Strength

Every time she asks me to squeeze, I ask God for more strength so I can squeeze harder. Every time she moves, I check to see if she's okay. Although it breaks my heart, I know we have to allow for some self determination, so I only do anything when she calls for me. She recognizes me, I am thankful for this. 

I refuse to be weak, when she's still fighting. So when I run, I run for her. When I don't want to do anything, I think of her. 

I ask God to help her & give me strength to help her.  To help me squeeze harder, be stronger, help alleviate her pain.  Please take away her pain. 

Help me to adapt as the bathroom process always changes & just keep giving me the strength to help her at this time. 

Please. 

Time

It escapes is constantly. No one will be here forever & how we spend it is key.

I made a decision this week to take the rest of the week off to help out my sister in law. You see, she's had this stomach cancer since 2007 & now her health is declining. She's pretty much deteriorating before our eyes. My brother said she had signs of dementia the other day, so I kept asking him if he wanted me to help...he kept saying not yet. After thinking & praying about it, this was a good decision to come. Not just to help relieve my brother & brothers in laws...but because I needed to help for me. 

Kristy & I have always had a good relationship. She's the kind of person that is always there for you, no matter what. The best part about her is that she changed my brother. Not that he was a bad guy, she made him sparkle more & just be a better human. 

We all need people in our lives like her. So now I help massage her, help w/ bathroom duties or whatever else I can to ease her pain. I also pray for a miracle, pray that she makes it through this. She's a fighter. Most people would have given up, but not her. 

This is a true lesson in humility. To help those who can't do anything for you, just because you love them. You find out who truly loves you in these times. 

People have asked me what am I going to do?  I don't have an answer to that. I'm here to support my sister in law, my brother & my family. Because we love each other. There was a time when we have been so busy we don't or didn't check in, except on the holidays. This is a cruel joke (sometimes, I think) to remind us to have constant contact for those we love. We're not going to be here forever, even if some people feel immortal. 

We should always take the time to tell those you care about you love them. Take the time to be there & spend time...not money on them. 

You never know what kind of cruel joke will be given to you. 

💔

Random thoughts about 5150's since it's suicide prevention month.

This month is suicide prevention month. Since I've graduated, I have done several assessments & most recently I've placed individuals on 5150's. I've learned that people will do what they want, when they want. But if the people around you know the signs, they will most likely reach out for help before you do. 

People are unpredictable, there's tons of statistics. Older men, those just discharged from an admission, those feeling better, usually men...they say those are who will be successful in attempts. If they have a history of attempts, something significant triggering them, life changing, anniversary deaths of people important. Those who have actual plans, then get drunk or high to give them courage. 

Those who have been depressed & just tired of it all. Paranoid people, people who hate their hallucinations. People who have no support, there's so many symptoms. It can be anything. 

For veterans, you have insurance & it's super good. You need to call the veterans association & find a therapist. If you're in Monterey County & have medi-cal, call the Crisis Team & get referrals for outpatient treatment. Actually, anyone in any county call your local crisis team (just Google, I have found resources in other states for patients).  If you don't want to take meds? That's fine, you are in charge of your treatment, just reach out.  If you see a loved one suffering, reach out for them. Just do something. 

Thoughts

Just because you know something about a subject, does not make you an expert. Just because you've been doing something for a long time, does not make you the end all be all of that. We all have opinions, doesn't make us right. Nor do you have the right to shoot someone down because they don't share your opinion.  Grandiose, entitled people...the Internet is full of them. It's nice to hide behind your computer screen, isn't it. 

Strength

All the asana's in #Ashtanga is making me stronger. Little by little, mind over matter. It's also helping me stay focused, keeping my emotions in check (especially at work).  This inward journey has done wonders for my anxiety issues. I'm welcoming this journey, it's a lifelong one that helps me health wise & psychologically. 

Today I was able to hold a wall handstand for a minute, twice. Before today I could hold it at a max of 55 seconds, & only once. To be fair, I took at least a 20 minute break between. 

Hope you all are well. Namaste.