i will remember you...

By: Sarah McLachlan I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories Remember the good times that we had? I let them slip away from us when things got bad How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories I'm so tired but I can't sleep Standin' on the edge of something much too deep It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard But I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light And I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories And I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories Weep not for the memories * * * * even though there's not much i can say...i've never been in your situation (although i wish i have), my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family (i only wish i could do more). i just wanted you to know that i'm thinking about you and your family, and praying that things will get better, and hoping that one day soon the light will shine and only happiness will come your way instead of the sorrow that has been crossing your path. *hug*

those were the days...

a year ago i was so carefree, didn't give a daymn 'cause there was always tomorrow. the closer things get (or seem to get) the more i think of what i haven't done yet, or what i want to do before eventually picking up and going. i know this is all premature, i'm just preparing myself just in case i get good news (you never know--i just like being prepared). and to some i've become "different", or "distant"....sorry, just been really busy with all that is buzzing in my head. those that know me well, don't take it too personal--besides i've already started preparing them. i'm "focusing" on particular people....prioritizing if you will. and i'm assuming/accepted that everyone will (or mostly everyone) will understand. i feel like i'm on some kind of deadline, like i gotta get this and this done by this date otherwise everything will fall apart. don't get me wrong, i thrive for this kind of thing--it is my essence. it's just weird going through it all again. the nervousness, the excitement....all the possibilities. i also feel like i gotta schedule everyone in (too bad i never got the replacement calendar for my day runner--like i ever use that thing anymore), i do have to make plans with all my bay area people (i actually was told i MUST). i mean if i don't go now, that just means that i have a year to take care of things as opposed to two months. that does sound appealing mind you, but two months sounds way better. it's a rush, and i know some of you don't understand...but it's okay--you don't have to. i miss the days that i just did whatever, whenever. now i'm saving whatever i can, bringing lunches, not going out (again). i'm actually preparing myself for when i'm going to be a starving student again (maybe i'll lose even more weight). heh. i really can't wait, it's like when i first moved to la...that kind of excitement. i mean sure, i would like to move 3,000 or so miles away from home to try something new, it's scary--but i think i'm ready for it. those that oppose me can stay the hell away. the engine started a while ago, and i'm finally doing it (hopefully anyway). those that had no faith, step. and yes regardless when...i'm still going (so please don't get in the way--or try to make me feel bad). i know some people were laughing at me thinking i'd never amount to anything...but look at me now man. i might not have the house, or the family car (or the gigantic ring on my finger)...but i'm not settling for anything. all you non-believers stay away, cause one way or another i'm going to get my masters....and i'm going to make a difference in this daymn world. no matter how big, or how small the dent is...i'm gonna do it. you might not think so, but i do...and that's all that matters.

psychic talks

so call me retarded, mental or whatever--but i did it. i contacted the psychic, the author to psychic diaries....lysa mateau. we had a little "chat" today at my designated time. very, very interesting talk we had, some things i already knew about me (some not so much). we also discussed my brother alfrancis (who passed away at birth). i was just fascinated how she was able to pull a bunch of stuff out. she told me that if she was right in front of me i would probably be laughing at her since she was physically pushing some people away (funny how she knew the right names to say too). and it was really weird when she was talking about my brother, like he was showing her things (since technically he never was able to talk)...and he has the first part of my daddy's name (he was mentioning or showing her two male's with the same name....just to show that he's out there. that in and of itself was weird. i mean, i can feel him around me sometimes...and at night i talk to him (even if i know i won't get any kind of verbal response), sometimes i see signs that he's there. one day i'll see him, but not anyday soon. then we started talking about my future. she doesn't see me staying in the place i'm at now (and all i asked her was...am i moving?), she see's this as a good move for me. i know some people think i'm going for someone...but even she believes that THAT is NOT the reason. it was more of a "catalyst" for it, but not the reason. and if this "reason" weren't to occur, it would have taken me longer to get off my ass and do something about it. so regardless the reason, this is a good thing for me. this is something that i'm meant to do, so i'm glad i finally got around to do it....even IF some of you think otherwise...i know better (so do my girlies). she also said that my reasons for moving is two fold, one isn't my decision (has to do with an acceptance of something) and the second part is all me (whether or not to accept the acceptance). i will also not be alone for the rest of my life, what happens with that will happen sometime in my future....but not here! so basically, la just isn't happening...it could happen in the east, or the bay (maybe even in the midwest)...but not down here. she also pointed out some things in my personality that i have to get a control of, which slowly i am...babysteps, always babysteps. i'm growing and changing, but i don't move that fast you know. but she did say i grew alot in this past year. which, even though i've seen it (and it's been pointed out to me) it's always nice to hear. so after my "chat" with lysa, shannon and i dissected it. first she got mad at me (i refused to tell her what i was doing at 6:30), then we went through it point by point. in the end we came up with, as long as i felt good about it--that i got something out of it, then it's all good. i've NEVER been to a psychic or talked to one, never had my palm read, or anything like that. i do own some taro cards (yet, i don't know how to really read them), and i've "witnessed" a wigi board "reading"(?) on a halloween night during college sometime (the early years). so this was my first psychic "encounter", and i think it was good. will i do it again? who knows! all i know is that i'm glad i did it, glad i talked to her. if you want to know more about her, check out her book psychic diaries, it's a good read. and if you do a reading with her, you get a recording on tape, so when i get my tape in the mail--you can bet your bottom dolla' ima dissect that shit. i think i am content, i'm also very excited for my future. bring it on!

4th of july fun...

so home was fun, good times, good eats & seeing my people is always good. saturday i spent the majority of the day with with Lan and family. of course after i spent an hour with the watch repair dude as he cleaned up my watch & conversed with me. he told me the "gist" of his goings on (even if this was only the 2nd time i've been there). i felt like a counselor or something, but he was really cool...and he didn't charge me for my "maintenance" on "coachie" (i think that's what i'm naming her). but after all that, i headed over to Lan's and picked up her and the little miss and we headed over to the great mall to watch harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban (yes i know my 3rd time). afterwords we went to red ribbon, picked up the mango cake and went back to celebrate auntie's birthday. good food, but i think everyone drank too much. however, i didn't bust out the cam to take pictures of the little ones....they were having too much fun running around the house. the next day was 4th of july, so i got into the car with my bro and we went mall hopping (had to get mom & dad's anniversary present before we headed up to rio vista--too bad we forgot it on the kitchen counter). then we FINALLY got around to head up to rio vista and enjoy the 4th of july bbq that my parents were preparing. here's some pictures from the day! *click* *click* not so much, but i like sharing--so enjoy! then this morning we went to breakfast early to celebrate kristy's birthday! so happy birthday kristy! so now i'm back in lala land, tired and doing laundry. hope you all had a wonderful 3 day weekend! hope all is well on your side. take cares! *mwah* & *hug*

home sweet home...

so the drive wasn't so so bad, getting through L.A. wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be (especially during rush hour). i especially liked the 152 when i was zooming in and out (love me those curves). anyway, i got all the crap out of my car that i brought home with me (and my room isn't all that packed--thanks bro!). so considering that my back seat had a shitload of crap...i made good time. so now i'm in my bro's room (course he's at the girlies) & lola's asleep. it's so empty without my parentals and the doggie. it's okay though, i love being here...nothing like the bay area. i'm not even tired, considering i didn't get my usual starbucks before heading out. but now i'll get to whole point of this post....i wanted to wish all of you a happy 4th! looks like i probably won't be around a computer on the 4th, and if my plans go through tomorrow i won't get on tomorrow either. so enjoy everyone! don't get too drunk, and if you do....please don't drive! i betcha bottom dolla' that there will be cops roaming the streets of wherever you are! so yah, enjoy the long holiday! i'm sure i'll have pictures to show you all come monday. so yeah, i really wish i could be spending the "holiday" with some of you....but alas, we can't all have what we want right? i probably won't even make it to the bbq with lan, but ish all good meng. unless i get back in time....but we'll see. anyway, you all have a wonderful 4th of july weekend....i'm going to say hello to my bed. adieu! *hug* & *mwah*

friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime....

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love! is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. * * * * * you know you have your "season" friends, and your friends for a "reason", but the ones i live for are the ones for a "lifetime". not all of those friends read this, but they know how much i value them. i mean the "season" friends are nice, but they never last all year long. i don't have much "reason" friends, even they don't have much of a lifespan... those "lifetime" friends, those are the ones who'll be there. you can count on them, they can count on you....and regardless if you haven't talked to them in a while--they're still there. you can NEVER get rid of them, no matter what you do. believe me, i thought i lost some of them...but i didn't. and when i make a friend, and i believe in them--they never lose me. and the ones that are really good, good, bestest ever friends, they know when to push and when to step....THAT'S what makes a friend, and that is why i value each and every one of them. i LOVE you guys. *mwah*

im an evil genius!

You are an SEDF--Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you an evil genius. You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting. Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable. You are not to be messed with. You may explode. 20 Questions to a Better Personality * * * * thanks for the test anna!! that really is me, so me. i LOVE personality tests, it's always nice to see what you end up with. evil genius, be afraid!! be very afraid. heh, i think that's kinda cool actually. oh and this is the final (final!) version of the "burgandy scheme". i finally got it to look how i REALLY want it to look like (in both netscape & explorer). so let's see how long this one will last. wow, i was busy today! 3 posts in one day? i haven't done that in a long long time!

i'm not a perfect person...

that line has been going through my head ever since i got to work, maybe it's cause that was the last song playing on the radio. anyway. i'm sure as hell not perfect, but i know i'm friken anal! thanks to those who helped me decide on no boarders. kept putting them on, taking them off, on, off, on, off. as you can see....i decided on off. and on the colors, those are my absolutely favorite colors in the world! and as jayce pointed out, those are the colors to rutgers (IT'S A SIGN). well, and they're also the colors of the niners... i know i haven't really wrote anything of substance lately...just been my usual random self. which is good right? since i'm really friken random. i'm way random, crazy random. eh. which goes to show i'm not perfect, nor do i ever try to show or say that i am. i mean, we all are just trying to make it through the day...live our lives the best way we all know how right? like for instance, i've been in a weird ass mood funk. it's like, stay the hell away from me. i think it's just a "defense" for when i actually get things going, like it'll be easier for me to deal with things if i stay the way i am now. i mean, i have made it a point to do things with all the people who have been there for me since day one (or close enough) since i really haven't been able to. and you know, there is only so much one person can do. i know it's a bad "defense", but hey sometimes you gotta be on "d"....it helps you get through the good and bad times. it's like those daymn walls that grow with time, but it's a different kind of wall. no one wants to feel pain, so instead of dealing we all numb ourselves...we all know eventually it's going to happen--instead of dealing i go on "d". i mean my walls really aren't that thick, and the "exceptions to the rule" always ALWAYS get through. no matter how far you think you push them, or how much you don't want to--they get through. and rather than stress over things, i've learned to deal with things. so i'm on "d". it's not that bad you know, i just keep a lot of stuff inside...sometimes i let it out, but most of the time it just stays buried in my subconscious. but you know, no matter what i do the ones that mean the most will always be there. i might show my "feelings" in a "odd" way, or do things to prove to them i'm being "real", they're still there. regardless if i talked to you yesterday, or 3 months ago, or even a year ago...they're still there. i mean, i might not talk to some of my best friends for over a year, but the minute we get back together...it's as if you never left. i love that. everyone that means something, always does that with me (and me with them). priceless. it's a never-ending cycle...that i hope with some will break...

splish, splash...

or should i say, i feel like having some wine. HA! okay, did a few changes here and there. lemme know whatcha think. =) i've been wanting to change this up for a while now, so for now...this will do. comments, suggestions? anyone? anyone?

shake me up & take a sip

How to make a eileenjoy

Ingredients: 1 part intelligence 3 parts craziness 5 parts empathy

Method:Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little emotion if desired!

Username:

Personality cocktail From Go-Quiz.com

---

this kinda fits my mood, got it from bumblebootie--thanks lady! i just saw monster & had dinner over at shannie's. MAN!! that was crazy! and the crazy thing is it's TRUE! how someone can be that disturbed, i don't know. i understand she had a crazy upbringing, and i see how the first one & maybe even second had reasoning....but anything after that--HELL NO! i'm all shook up cause of that, no one better ever call my her nickname!! i'll go ballistic! and to all of my guy friends....don't EVER pick up a hitchhiker on the freeway/street/boonies. if you want a hooker, go to a strip club and get a lapdance, or go to vegas even (i hear some of them give you good....) ....so i'm told. anyway, i'm all freakin. i wonder if charlize theron interviewed "her" before she was executed...not THAT would be an interesting/freaky interview. and i wonder what happened to the "girlfriend", does anyone know? if you do that piece of info would be greatly appreciated. anyway, go see it...good movie, and charlize so deserved an award for that movie. i still got the shakies!!

randomness

for all capricorns You are wise on your climb to the top of the mountain. The rest of the herd comes to rely on your leadership along rocky shores. You guide gently rather than using coercion. Your gift is to make the difficult look easy, encouraging others to conquer their fears. You are in a tremendous position of trust and power. Surround yourself with people who share your vision and complement your energy and enthusiasm. quiz time!
Your soul is STEADFAST. You are a fiercely loyal person who would never cross a loved one. People always know they can rely on you and your dependability is well-known. You're probably a little on the quiet side, but your faithfulness is never doubted, and you always back up your kith and kin whether they want or need it or not. You are a dependable and trusted soul.
What Is Your Soul's Trait?
brought to you by Quizilla got that from bumblebootie...thanks girl! that is SO me (from what everyone tells me at least). please welcome!! in other news, introducing Seneca Delyn Samily...the newest addition to the family. and here's her big sister Cienna... show her the way young Cienna! they are the cutest little girls. i knew del's only gonna have girls, it's punishment for when he was a bad mofo back in the day. heheheh * * * * * so that is all for now. i have a bunch of random thoughts spinning through my head, once i figure everything out i'm sure i'll let all of you know. but for now this will do...i'm just waiting for the weekend--i'm homeward bound again! yay for 3-day weekends!!! hope all is well for you, you're always in my thoughts. *MWAH* *HUG*

my girls, old friends & good times

so this weekend my girly girls drove down from nor cal and scooped me up, then we all headed down to daygo! of course we did a pit stop at the carlsbad outlets and i added something new to my coach collection. =) yeah yeah, i don't wanna hear it (last one i promise...for now) ;). so friday night after getting all settled in who do we hook up with but ron, dave and steverz! they took us to the la jolla coves, mt. soladad & one of the bridges at midgetland. oh and they also took us to get some carne asada chips--that of course we couldn't finish. like that's surprising to anyone. anyway, it was really good to see you guys (even if you were making fun of us all night.) =P then the next day the girlys and i headed down to rosarita! my first time ever, so yeah i was a little freaked out when we were crossing the border...i kept thinking oh my god we're in another country, we might get kidnapped. then as we got deeper in i noticed how similar it was to the philippines, so i started to feel comfortable (weird, i know). i mean, i've been to tj before, but i've never been so deep into it like going to rosarita. but the $1 corona's and margarita's were nice & i love me some carne asada taco's! the girls drank way more than me (which is always expected), but i'm glad they had fun. i even found a cool looking shot glass to add to the collection. but walking around, taking it all in, seeing the people, drinking with the girlys, having laughs....good times had by all. oh and why was it that i was the only one questioned alot coming back from mexico? after asking my citizenship he made me say my entire name, birthday, and birthplace, then he asks me what's the capitol of the united states. after that he then asks me how many states there are in the u.s.--i think he got irritated when i got technical and started to say...well, there is 48 on the continental u.s. and alaska and hawaii...so i ended up stopping mid sentence and saying 50. i don't know why i was the only one out of the group questioned like that--i was also the most sober out of the group. bastards! here's more pictures if you wanna see how much fun we did have...*click* *click* so all in all, this weekend was so much fun. there were some things that i wish didn't happen (but it wasn't my call either), but even though all of THAT happened--everything turned out pretty much good. so with all that said, i'm gonna go chill. hope you all had a wonderful weekend! take cares! *mwah* & *hug*

autocross'n & daddy's day!

that was babygirl before the race. i have to say, she did me proud. of course it helped to have my bro in my car for the first two times telling me to go, go, go...brake! GO, let off the gas, go, go, go!! heheh yes, for my first autocross with babygirl...we did good. i started off with 57.194 and i ended up with a 55.345 (55.22 on the fun run), only 10 seconds longer than my bro. and from what i'm told, i did pretty good for my first time out (with mostly everything stock). i had lots of help and tips from my bro's friends...so i'm sure that helped me out (i'm just surprised i remembered everything). oh and while i was chillin in my car waiting to go for my second run, who should i see pass by my car? why, who else but piaadoll!! i had to wait till she went on her run to make sure it was her, then i went over to say hi after my run. it was good seeing you girl! i wish we could have hung for a lil bit longer, but i wanted more pointers from my bro. oh and i was in the novice sts class (i remembered to ask him after). then earlier today was the whole reason for my trip...daddy's day! we ended up waking up at 6:30 to head up to rio vista to have breakfast with the parental units (slept on the way up, and back). so yeah, daddy enjoyed his present (but it needs a little modification)...he enjoyed his breakfast, and enjoyed the company. it's always fun to come home, wish it could have been longer. wanna see more pics? *click* *click* so there you have it, another great weekend at home. hope you all had a great weekend too, and if you're a father (or a father to be)...happy fathers day! see you bay area heads in two weeks!! enjoy! **edit: sorry, was wrong on my times...and i am burnt! daymn you, you california sun!!

happy early daddy's day!

just wanted to wish my daddy a happy early daddy's day (cause i know i'll be too busy this weekend to post this up). also, happy early daddy's day to you fathers out there, and fathers to be (manong merrick!!). have a wonderful weekend everyone, i'm outta here at 12:45! bay area, the girls are coming home!!! *mwah*

EXPECTO PATRONUM!!!!

Your Patronus is the Wolf! The wolf is a symbol of
wisdom, loyalty and independence. He is one of
history's more revered (and feared) characters. That your Patronus is a wolf says that you are very
wise as a person. You tend to be loyal to your
friends, even when they screw up, but you are
also independent. Finding that balance is key;
finding it will ensure that you will be a
wonderful witch or wizard!

What is Your Patronus? Version 1
brought to you by Quizilla

experience everything...

regret nothing (especially if you've learned from it). and rather than think of what could become, take a chance...you never know what might happen (it might be the best thing you've ever done in your life). and when the time comes, everything will fall into place. random thoughts? yes--they just popped in my head (as usual). my head's all a jumble right now (and pounding like hell--advil to the rescue!!), but that's normal in my case right? oh one more thing...never forget who YOU are, never let others define you.

outside, reaching in....

strength can come in two forms: physically, or mentally. it's been a trying new year, let's just start off with that. now we're halfway through...and i feel like the battles i fought, helped me realize some things that i'm only now taking care of. make sense? i never thought i'd be strong enough to do half the things that i've already accomplished, and i'm being constantly reminded by my beautiful friends. i'm constantly searching for some sort of "strength" to get me through whatever i'm going through. i keep asking for patience because i know in the end, if things were meant to happen--they will. i also know that no one else will help get you through things (especially when it comes down to the last count), you just gotta find it within you. one thing that i know about myself is that i always land on my feet. so no matter what happens in the upcoming months (*cross-fingers*), whatever He throws out at me (whether i have to move cross-country or not), i'll be able to deal. not only do i have "faith", i have "love" from my peoples...so no matter what happens--i can do it. some people have been "testing" me so to speak, but i'm trying to not let them get to me. you can only do so much before your head explodes, but i tend to just let it go (or go smoke a pack of cigs). i seem to still be all together (we think). but no matter what, no one will break me down--they won't get to me (those voices in my head...HA!). because i know that no matter what happens, the people that were there for me from the beginning, will still be there. the ones that truly care for me, will still be around--no matter what i do...because they know me (not the dumbasses that "think" they know me, but the ones that REALLY do). i think i'm being tested again, the calm before the storm. maybe i have to go through this to see if i'll make it in the big new world. i can do it, i know i can...always gotta test yourself, never settle, think big, yeah....i can do it. yes, this is random. but you know what...i forgot my book so i decided to blog during my lunch hour. so there you have it. i am who i am, said sam i am. but you know what, don't push...cause if you keep pushing--you might be left behind. things happen for a reason, timing IS everything, and i'm just trying to make it through the day.

woof, woof!

No bones about it, you're a good-hearted, people-loving Bernese Mountain Dog. Down-to-earth and loyal, no one works or plays harder than you do. You put your nose to the grindstone when it really counts, but you never neglect your social calendar. Simultaneously strong and sweet, you're very tuned-in to the feelings and needs of the other dogs you run with. Without having to be asked, you always have a helping paw to lend and a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. "Communication" is your middle name, and when that's paired with your unswerving devotion, you get a breed that everyone respects and trusts. Woof! What Breed of Dog Are You? * * * * that actually describes me. HA!

it's over...

and i'm sad. who knows what'll happen next year. they had good d though. . . . .

capricorn...

You love it when the good guys win. This is another one of those happy occasions. Your truth is a shining jewel, worth more than all the artifice and hype that your opponents are throwing at you. They'll never have what you have, and they might never understand why, or even what it is. But their enlightenment isn't your concern. You'd rather celebrate with the people that helped get you this far. When they add their devotion and imagination to yours, it's an unbeatable team. Don't ignore these fortuitous combinations and rare moments. * * * * this is so true, especially now... people and things have been getting to me, but i know...this too shall pass. hopefully i'll get to the sunshine sometime soon. =)

we do not remember days,

we remember moments. ~cesare pavese

National Day of Mourning

some of you may be sick of it, but since i'm not--i'm going to post this in honor of the man. he has affected my life in so many ways, and he will always be remembered... * * * * America Bids an Emotional Farewell to Reagan By Alan Elsner WASHINGTON (Reuters) - America bade farewell to Ronald Reagan (news - web sites) on Friday in a majestic state funeral at Washington's National Cathedral where past and present world leaders lauded the former president as a prophet of freedom and moral victor of the Cold War. "Ronald Reagan believed ... in the courage and triumph of free men and we believe it all the more because we saw that courage in him," said President Bush (news - web sites), delivering a eulogy to his predecessor. "As Ronald Wilson Reagan goes his way, we are left with the joyful hope he shared," he said. The ceremony capped six days of mourning and nostalgic remembrance for the 40th president of the United States, who died last Saturday at age 93 after a long struggle with Alzheimer's disease (news - web sites). "He won the Cold War, not only without firing a shot but also by inviting enemies out of their fortress and turning them into friends," former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher said of her close ally and friend. Celebrated by supporters as a champion of freedom and free enterprise, Reagan also provoked furious opposition during his 1981-1989 presidency. Critics accused him of building up massive budget deficits, cutting programs for the poor and supporting right-wing hard-liners in Central America. The one-time Hollywood movie star, known to millions as "the Gipper" after his favorite film role, had himself said goodbye to the American people in a moving letter revealing his illness in 1994 and had since lived in seclusion, cared for by his wife, Nancy. "It has been 10 years since he said his own farewell, yet it is still very sad and hard to let him go," Bush said. Veterans of the Cold War struggle against communism that Reagan helped end were prominent at the funeral, attended by 25 current heads of state or government, 14 foreign ministers and 11 former heads of state. Thatcher was present in the congregation but her message was delivered on videotape since her health has become too fragile for public speaking. ELEGANCE AND EASE Former Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney recalled Reagan's elegance and ease. "No one could more eloquently summon his nation to high purpose," he said. All four living former U.S. presidents -- Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, George Bush and Bill Clinton (news - web sites) -- filed into the massive faux Gothic structure on a hill over Washington, which took 83 years to build and was only completed in 1990. Mikhail Gorbachev, the last president of the Soviet Union who crossed swords with Reagan at memorable summits in the 1980s and then allowed the Cold War to end peacefully months after Reagan left office in 1989, represented Russia. Former President Bush, his voice breaking with emotion, said Reagan and Gorbachev had combined to end the Cold War. Referring to the best-known line in Reagan's best-known film, he said, "The Gipper and Mikhail Gorbachev won one for the world." A bell tolled and rain fell as the hearse bearing Reagan's body arrived at the cathedral from Capitol Hill, where it had lain in state for two days while tens of thousands of people filed past. Onlookers lined the four-mile route from the Capitol to the Cathedral standing several rows deep. Police had to prevent the crowd spilling into the streets. After the funeral, Reagan's body was to be flown back to California for a private sunset burial attended by family and special guests on the grounds of his presidential library just north of Los Angeles. Government departments, the New York Stock Exchange (news - web sites) and many businesses were closed as Americans paused to pay tribute. Lech Walesa, the one-time Polish shipyard electrician who led the Solidarity labor movement and later became president of a post-communist Poland, also attended. In a Wall Street Journal article, Walesa said Poles owed Reagan their freedom. He hailed the former president as a western cowboy who fought against evil. Apart from his Cold War record, proponents credit Reagan with restoring U.S. confidence, battling inflation, cutting taxes and presiding over an economic boom. He was, however, also blamed for lax control over his administration that led to the Iran-Contra arms-for-hostages scandal. But opponents were frustrated that scandals did not seem to stick to Reagan and dubbed him the "Teflon president." Since his death, the U.S. media has provided blanket coverage and glowing assessments of Reagan's legacy and sunny personality. Most agree that he will go down in history as one of the most significant U.S. presidents of the 20th century. There is little doubt that Reagan changed the U.S. political landscape, moving the country to the right while paving the way for Republican dominance of Congress. * * * * * as a sign of respect, this will be my only post for today (and the weekend). he was, in my opinion a great man, and a great president...rest in peace. now, a moment of silence.

finally it comes...

so some of you might remember that i'm applying to grad school, well, my transcripts FINALLY came in today! so today, after some help from a few friends, i have constructed a letter to Rutgers to include with my "official" transcripts, letters of rec, resume, and a hard copy of my personal statement. i hope they understand my lateness (not like it was my fault--SJSU needs a priority request for transcripts)!! i hope my personal statement & letters of rec speak to them and make them want me to attend their school. i'm so nervous and i don't know why. man, it's just another step...the next one will be the big one. wish me luck everyone!! now i must look into scholarships...

random thought(s) 2

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd. ~ "Eloisa to Abelard" by Alexander Pope Clementine: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours. Joel: Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating. Clementine: Drink up, young man. It'll make the whole seduction part less repugnant. Joel: Valentine's Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap. thanks mike! that was a good movie.... **edit: sorry, i'm adding as i find them...

random thought

...we need to be willing to let our intuition guide us and then be willing to follow that guidance directly and fearlessly... ~ Shakti Gawain stole this from bumblebootie. it was just speaking to me...

and now we're even...

so this started out as a really sh*tty day, and just got worse and worse and worse as the day wore on. even my lunch was interrupted by a f*cking idiot... office f*cking politics, i hate it. actually at one point, i just hated everyone (well not everyone--i was just seriously pissed off). something must be in the universe. but at least 5:30 hit, and i was outta there as soon i could...and then game time. man that was a good game. i was getting worried, i was really really worried. but they pulled it off, they won it in OT. HELL YEAH! they brought it baby! we're still alive (like there was any doubt--it was just really close). man, something is in the universe....something evil, terrible. i can't wait till this is all over (*cross-fingers*), i'm just tired! tired of everything going on around me, personally & careerwise....i just feel like i'm gonna blow. and some people around me are seriously pissing me off, and they just keep doing it over and over (why don't i say anything? i don't know). i know i have to let some things go, but some things just keep getting to me and i don't know what to do. it's like i'm playing chess, and i'm waiting for my turn. man, i can't wait till things start poppin'. maybe then i'll finally be happy...

Ronald Wilson Reagan

February 6, 1911 - June 5, 2004 i wasn't old enough to vote for him, but he is the first president that i fully remember. he was not only charming and brilliant, but he had a way about him that made you believe him and give you hope for our future. "Overall, the Reagan years saw a restoration of prosperity, and the goal of peace through strength seemed to be within grasp." through his administration it shaped my political ideologies -- those that stay strong with me today. it was truly sad when he started getting sicker, and we all knew what would eventually happen. but rather than remember that, i choose to remember what he did, how he made me feel, how he gave me hope, and how proud i am to be a part of this wonderful country.... "Whatever history might say about me when I'm gone, I hope it will record that I appealed to your best hopes, not your worst fears; to your confidence rather than your doubts. My dream is that you will travel the road ahead with liberty's lamp guiding your steps and opportunity's arm steadying your way." ~ R. Reagan '92 "We will always remember. We will always be proud. We will always be prepared, so we may always be free." ~President Ronald Wilson Reagan, June 6th, 1984 let's do it for the gipper...

it's better the second time around...

so this time around we went to the mann's chinese theater in hollywood (love that place), and you're not supposed to take pictures...but check this out! *click me* but hey, i saw some lady taking pics with a big ol cam, so i figured i might as well do the same! (well margie said i might as well take them since she was too--and we saw a bunch of flashes all over the theater.) and yes, second time is better--i noticed some other stuff (or what wasn't). so yeah, i'll probably see it again sometime soon (like i usually do). i really wish it was longer, and more dialogue regarding harry's parents and all the relationships with their friends. but anyway, can't wait for "goblet of fire", that will BE the best movie (well until J.K. Rowling finishes 6 & 7 then maybe my favorite will change--but we'll see.) anyway, i'm gonna go continue re-reading ootp. hope you all are having a wonderful weekend! *mwah* & *hug*

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

so for some strange reason i just NEEDED to see this movie at 12:05 a.m. on an IMAX screen, directors seats--basically means my ass didn't have to wait in line!! reserved seating baby!! now for some reason, i was lead to believe that "director's seats" were the big ass leather seats & alcohol would be served (or a bar was within the theater). i was wrong. i felt all scrunched in my seat, and no alcohol around (probably good cause kids were around). it was stadium seating, so nobody's head was in my way (although, dude in front did not have to sit so far back that i wouldn't have any leg room). now on with my review... i'm not going to give you details of what actually happened within the movie (although feel free to ask-if you really want to know). this is more of what i liked, didn't like, total feel for it. first off the kids are getting stronger as wizards, which was wonderful to see. it's great to see harry become more "emotional" and acting out rather than just taking it. hermoine was absolutely brilliant as she took care of malfoy, and it's good to see ron finally being more confident with his abilities. they are all growing with their characters, and no they don't have to be replaced for the next four movies (we all know that it takes seven years to finish hogwarts). i loved seeing all the emotions the characters had, when harry met sirius face to face, when harry and lupin spoke about his parents...you can tell (and feel) the love they all had for each other. the closeness, it was just beautiful. i didn't particularly like the new dumbledore. he didn't have the grandfather type feel, the spark in his eyes, the closeness with the kids. granted he wasn't in the movie for very long, but still i couldn't feel the connection. there were a lot of parts of the book that weren't included in this movie. well maybe not a lot, but i feel that you needed those parts to fully understand the relationships between the characters. you can't just throw it all in one scene and expect everyone to get it. my suggestion to those that haven't read the book is to first watch it, then ask away. for the most part i remembered everything (well once they got to hogwarts anyway), i just felt it was too fast paced and way too short. i mean, i didn't want it to be over three hours or anything, but you could have explained a few things better so the audience could have a better understanding (if you didn't read). so far this is my favorite out of the three, but my absolute favorite of all the books is four! so i'm waiting around for that movie, now that has everything! so go and watch, this is a pretty "dark" movie so it's not the cheery happy go lucky like in the first two. this is more of a coming of age type deal, and i was lovin it. "those you love never really die, they live on."

A DONKEY STORY

A farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you. * * * * * got this from manong merrick a few days ago & i wanted to post it up then, but for some reason for today...it feels appropriate. if you all only knew...

western conference champions

okay maybe they didn't take it in 5, but they sure as hell took it in 6!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LAKERS!!! we're gonna take it back!! yeahhhhh baby!!! yeahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

reinvent yourself

so on thursday, may 27th i finally saw my idol in concert. i have collected tape's and cd's of her since i was 13, i searched all over hawaii for those stupid black jelly bracelets (now i have no idea where they are). i had posters all over my room--from the giant ones from the poster store, to the little ones in "teen beat" or whatever i could get my hands on. i bought anything i could get of her, i have this wallet sized head shot of her that i used to carry around in my wallet (along with my pic of duran duran)...of course, my mom would never let me dress like her--but i could blast her music as loud as i wanted (even like a prayer). i was even allowed to watch her video's--once we got mtv that is. and on thursday i finally was able to see her. she is the most amazing entertainer, and i'm told she rocks as a boss. shannon was one of her dancers when she did "vogue" at the grammys (i forget what year), and she said she's a great boss & she's not so "divaish". she is just so amazing, and i wasn't disappointed... *click* *click* the pictures aren't that great, a few good ones--the rest are kinda blurry...and we weren't in the best of seats. but i don't care, i finally saw madonna in concert!! and to top this all off...my FIRST concert EVER!! i was so happy, i was singing her songs...got my groove on & clapped and screamed my ass off. i had this goofy ass face as we left the forum, since i was so daymn happy. then it happened. ruined my madonna night. we were walking to the car, a car was coming and my friend tried to cross, but i didn't "commit"...so he stepped back and as the car passes he kicks the car. driver get's out of his car, words were said, then the blows came. i couldn't get in between cause i'd get knocked around, so i just stood there and waited till it was over....pulled my friend away and looked for the car. suffice it to say--madonna night was ruined. he actually thought it was funny. this all could have been avoided...but whatever, it happened. so as i was telling some of my other people, i'm going to just remember that i FINALLY got to see madonna. i love her, and from what i'm told...this is going to be one of her last tours. so i saw her just in time! she is just an amazing performer, and now....i have to get immaculate collection on cd (since i only have it on tape). ahhhh, it was great, just so great (with that exception) but yeah, great, and i'm happy. i'm finally doing things, it's a sign i tell you, a sign. so i hope you all have a wonderful weekend. oh and one more thing....GO LAKERS!!! you can take it in 5!! *mwah*

quizes, quizes, quizes

Your Heart is Red
What Color is Your Heart?
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Faerie: Fairies are sweet loving beings who love to help
people. They are not held back by reality and
love to dream and fly around. You probably are
very creative and although not the most popular
person in the world you are probably loved by
many for your sweet caring personality.
What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
Loneliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. Your afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most. (Please Vote)
What Emotion Dominates you?
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You're Element is Wind. You're light-hearted,
care-free, kind, sensitive, and mysterious. You
have friends and most absolutely love you. You
can be calm and soothing one minute and ragging
in anger the next so no one wants to get on
your bad side. You're beauty is inspiring and
magical.
What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla i got these from bumblebootie. it's just a quizzing kinda day man...

capricorn...

Say good-bye to the past. Look ahead into something different and untried. You're confident in your new skills and eager to use them in some challenge that will teach and amuse you. You have adequate supplies for every conceivable circumstance. Whatever you're not carrying, you can buy or create. Sympathetic company would be just the thing to make this the journey of a lifetime. You could use some help celebrating each discovery and the changes that it brings. Of course, you want more than a cheering section. You should be among your equals if you really want to have fun. * * * * i liked my horoscope for today, so i thought i'd share. have a good day everyone! you're always in my thoughts. *hug* *mwah*

"Oh, you know the Bitch"

"The Bitch is the voice that stops you from expressing who you are and berates you for saying and doing something you cannot go back and change. It nags and nags and nags you." ..... "The Bitch tells you everything you're not cable of doing, being, or achieving. It says, "Don't show people how much you love them--they'll take advantage of you. Don't shine--people will be jealous. Don't express what you feel--it may piss someone off and if they're pissed off they won't love you and if they don't love you, you'll feel empty and then you'll start drinking and overeating and be fat and drunk and no one will ever want to be with you, so just keep your mouth shut and walk the other way." After I realized I was in control of whether I listen to the Bitch or not, she stopped coming around. Being ignored pissed her off so much she left my mind for weeks, sometimes even months, at a time. Just as flowers wilt when their needs are ignored, the Bitch got quiet when I no longer listened to and followed every word she said." * * * * this is just a excerpt from a book i'm reading, Psychic Diaries by Lysa Mateu. i just really liked it & i thought i'd share...daymn bitch.

I'm blessed - thanks 2 YOU!

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who won't survive the week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 20 million people around the world. If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than almost three billion people in the world. If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare, especially in the United States. If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not. If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch. If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all. You are SO blessed in ways you may never even know. =)

volunteer day w/ p.s. arts

so saturday morning i woke up early to help out shannon with her fundraising event "conga challenge 2004." *click* *click* those are just a bunch of pictures of the kids setting up, playing & of course the "conga line." for those of you who don't know, p.s. arts is a non-profit organization that brings art programs (i.e. music, drama, etc.) to public schools. they have grown over the past 5 years, and shannon is the ONLY member of the staff that has been with p.s. arts from the beginning. well i can't really say staff, because she has her own staff that she's in charge of...i think from the main office or something. anyway, whenever they have some sort of "event" or whenever shan asks me to come along i always go with...so that's part of my "volunteer work" while i'm out here. just seeing the kids performing makes me happy (of course before and after sometimes i could strangle them--but that's besides the point). * * * * we basically spent the entire day at the promenade. after the event we decided to go shopping, and shan even bought me make up and showed me how to use it. we spent entirely way to much, but it's not like i go shopping every day (actually hardly ever in my case). so yeah, after our "shopping binge" we had dinner with her man and his friends. interesting night is all i can say. although i am glad i'm going out more, but we were just way tired (since i was up hella early!) so i hope you enjoyed the pics, i'm gonna finish cleaning up--then watch the lakes kick some t.wolves ass!! hope you all had a wonderful weekend! *mwah*

"In my experience,"

Teabing said, "men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire." * * * * just a quote i liked from the latest book i'm reading, the da vinci code.

weekend of troy *drools*

first we went to the grove for some eats, then we went to the ghetty... *click* *click* it was all about appreciating troy this weekend. now mind you, i've lived down in so cal for 5 years, and in la around 4 years--but i've never ventured out. it took someone from seatle (of all places) to get me out of my apartment to check out the mean streets of la. we checked out the greek art (and everything else) over at the ghetty. mind you, i thought the ghetty was more of a "private" museum where you had to "reserve" a time to go. i don't know why i thought that, i just did. after the ghetty we went to this restaurant (i don't remember the name) but it was the "food of the gods". didn't really care for the cobb salad but the avocado was nice. then off to watch troy at mann's westwood village (first time ever there--too bad they weren't premiering anything). boy let me tell you, brad pitts ass was so smooth! it was all about achilles & hector (well and the war and everything). i was surprised that i remembered parts of history....especially that daymn trojan horse! but paris, oh paris...although you're good with an arrow--you can't do squat with a sword. i still love you though. so for the boys, the war was pretty daymn good...for the girls, eye candy galore & of course the history of it all. then it was off to the sports bar to watch the lakes kick spurs ass! hell yeah baby! now who will we play? the timberwolves, or the sorry ass kings? hmmmmm.... after that we headed over to the promenade for some more fun with drinks! so i'd like to thank shaolinLFE for showing me around la & being my favorite movie "bud". hehe i do remember what i'm not supposed to say, but i won't say it here. so yeah, i had a great time & thanks for making me go outside and enjoy la! whooo ha! i think i drank to much....

one lucky shot deserves another

hell yeah baby! i might have missed 75% of the game but fourth quarter made up for that. fishy made it in .4 seconds!! YEAH BABY!! whoooo hooooo!! one more to go!! come on home boys!! * * * * oh and i messed around with my template, so in netscape the font looks smaller but in explorer it looks normal. if anyone knows how to make it normal can ya let me know? but it's cool cause the title line works & i now have a spot for recent posts. i'm lovin this new blogger! oh and i put my "blogger profile" up also--check my invasions. =) why couldn't they think of this earlier? we all had to do everything manually. now with the new formats it comes with comments--and all the extra stuff that i added. oh well, ain't technology grand? * * * * i'm just happy my boys won! whooo hooo!!! **edit: okay, i figured it out. so in netscape it looks big--but in explorer even bigger! and i got the rest of the font to be normal sized again. i think i'm happy with it.

say hello...

to my dear friend milliza! she was one of my candidates from j.a.c. #30, and she incidentally was the only candidate/graduate (so far) that became a director. yes, she followed my footsteps. heheh. so say hello, even though she hasn't said much yet--i'm sure she'll have a lot more to say in the days to come. ain't the internet grand? i'm re-connecting with my people (and she's all the way in the pinas now!). anyway, lakers are gonna be on in a bit (once the nets kick detroits ass--hurry up already!)...and i must support my boys. anyone wanna take me to game 5? let me know--i'm so there! **edit: OMG i was so engrossed in the game that i forgot about american idol!!!

mamma's day 2004

so this was my mamma's day... *click* *click* we all pitched in and got her the most awsome'st gift ever! so yeah, i hope you all had a good weekend & all your mothers had the bestest day ever. saturday night was our celebration for our mamma and gramma. yum yum yum, that's all i can say--love me some sushi. =) on sunday i swung by j.a.c. for a quick visit--man i feel old. at least i got to see some of the old school heads & my assistant! yay! so yeah, hope you enjoyed the pics!! i'm super tired so g'nite!!

texting down

well not all of texting, i can send but not receive--cingular's network is down. so until this is all fixed, people must call. that is all.

happy momma's day (early)

i just wanted to wish my mamma & all of yours a happy mamma's day now.... since i'm going home today, and i'll probably be out and about all weekend. so enjoy your mothers (and grandmothers) everyone! for those of you who's mothers (or grandmothers) aren't with us--remember her on sunday, cause you know she's always with you....

it's the end

so tonight at 8pm it will be the beginning of the end....of friends. my one constant for these past 5 years (since i wasn't religious about it when i was up in the bay). it was there when the boys were no longer around, when my people decided they didn't need me, and when everything in my world was disappointing. i look forward to it every week, and tonight will be the end. yes, i am saddened by that fact. i will cry, and i will ignore all im's and phone calls (unless you're super special--and i mean SUPER special [you know who you are]). so even though i'm looking forward to tonight, i'll be really sad at the end. no more shows like this one, nothing to look forward to for the new fall season (i hope i'll be in school so i don't have to worry about that). i know it's an obsession, but hey we all got our little quirks right? so good-bye friends. i'll see you on dvd (or on syndication).

on the positive tip

i got this idea from yano, she wanted us all to post something positive....so here you go. i'm thankful for all my friends & my beautiful family. i found that no matter how far i go, how little i visit & call--those people are still there for me. i also found out that it doesn't matter what i do, i can mess up royally--and they're still there! i can probably turn into psycho b*tch--and they'll still be there! especially with particular friends, i can be really weird--or something (and i'm really sorry for that), and i thank you all for not giving up on me (cause you know i'll never give up on you). it's love baby, i got love from my people!! i hope you're doing good, you're always in my thoughts. *hug*

down time

so at work our server or data line is down....well, it's something else like the company we use went bankrupt so we don't have access to outlook, internet, or we can't put in our time. actually, all our branches are down except our main office. it's sad man, i had to find other ways to entertain myself. so i started playing minesweeper, pinball, spider solitaire, solitaire, hearts and this encarta encyclopedia game...Pretty cool man. i finished the encarta game (well, level 2 anyway)...it was so cool. so yeah, i'm hoping they fixed the problem by now--or by the time i get there in the morning. if not, i'm going to try level 3 of the encarta game! * * * * oh and it's SUPER hot out there. please pray for the firefighters out there fighting the fires down in san diego and riverside. i hate fire season....it's too early! those poor people who had to be evacuated...i feel so bad for them. we need rain, and we need to cool the hell down....it's like we're all melting, i have my ac on as i type. we need to cool down, drink lotsa water people & keep your animals indoors!!

the end of an era

so i'm sitting here at the beginning of a friends marathon (i know, i'm retarded)--and i know you're all thinking why (since i have season 1 - 7 on dvd & season 8 - now on tape). *shrug* i just am. it's also cause i don't want to be out, it's too friken hot out there (besides i already went out and did all my errands for the weekend). and this thursday is the 2 hour series finale of my favorite show ever. i have my tape all set up, and i know i'll probably be balling (at least i'll be watching it with shan--i think). it's just weird, every thursday for the past 10 years off and on i've been glued to my tv (or watched it sometime after since i tape everything). i guess cause it relates to everything, or when i actually moved out i totally felt whatever they were feeling. yeah, they had their off seasons but for the most part....i loved it. anyway, i know ya'll think i'm stupid since i'm talking about a show (but whatever, i'm sure you all have your own shows you follow)...i'm going back to my marathon. hope you all are having a good weekend. and for those of you in cali, stay indoors--it's hot outside!! take care everyone--you're always in my thoughts *hug*

terrorist threats and the thought of death

so the mall that's behind my building is having a bomb threat, that one and the west side pavillion. security is at an all time high today, no deliveries, and security was watching us as we all drove into the structure. everyone's being really quiet, that or they're not in the office. it's been all over the news (ever since last night at least), and the first phone call of the day was from mommy (i knew it was her as soon as my phone rang). i've been telling everyone that IF anything were to happen--it's been really nice knowing them. i mean it too, but everyone just think's that's crazy talk. but i've been thinking about that...like, if i were to die right this minute--i'd be okay with it. granted, i don't have a family of my own (i'd really like to one day), and i haven't obtained my masters yet (*crosses-fingers*), and i'm not rollin in my porshe yet....i'd be okay with it. i mean you're supposed to live life to it's fullest, no regrets right? granted there are a few things i regret doing--but you live and you learn. this doesn't mean i want someone to come up to me and shoot me in between my eyes--i'm just saying i'll be okay if it's my time. who knows MAYBE they'll come through and do something to the mall and get us at the same time...you never know. i mean, don't ya'll ever think of death? not actually committing suicide, but if you were in that situation and you can go towards the light, or stay where you are....what would you do?

acrophonology: what's in your name?

eileen joy: You have a need to communicate and express yourself. You are inclined to over intellectualize, and hate to be misquoted. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You conduct yourself in a fair and just manner. You enjoy watching or participating in sports. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. Your independence and freedom are important to you. e: You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. You are clever, inventive, imaginative and youthful. You enjoy socializing. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You need to learn flexibility. esporo: You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You have a need to earn money to prove your success to society and must learn the true value of material gains and status. You have a talent for working with people on a one to one basis. You need to learn flexibility. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You need to learn flexibility. * * * * try it--acrophonology of you

WHY BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE? To the question why bad things happen to good people, here's a simple answer. It doesn't really help when bad things do happen, but it's a way of looking at things. A ninety-one year old woman died after living a long dignified life. When she met God she asked him something that had long bothered her. If Man was created in God's image, and if all men are created equal, why do people treat each other so badly? God replied that each person who enters our life has a unique lesson to teach us. And it is only through these lessons that we learn about life, people, relationships and God. This confused the woman, so God began to explain. When someone lies to you, it teaches you that things are not always as they seem. The truth is often far beneath the surface. Look beyond the masks people wear if you want to know their heart. And remove your own masks to let people know yours. When someone steals from you, it teaches you that nothing is forever. Always appreciate what you have, for you never know when you might lose it. And never, ever take your friends and family for granted because today is the only guarantee you have. When someone inflicts an injury upon you, it teaches you that the human state is a fragile one. Protect and take care of your body as best you can, it's the only thing you are sure to have for as long as you live. When someone mocks you, it teaches you that no two people are alike. When you encounter people who are different from you, don't judge them by how they look or act; instead base your opinion on the contents of their heart. When someone breaks your heart, it teaches you that loving someone does not always mean that person will love you back. But don't turn your back on love because when you find the right person, the joy that one person brings will make up for all the past hurts put together. Times ten. When someone holds a grudge against you, it teaches you that everyone makes mistakes. When you are wronged, the most virtuous thing you can do is forgive the offender without pretense. Forgiving those who have hurt us is the most difficult and courageous thing man can do. When a loved one is unfaithful to you, it teaches you that resisting temptation is man's greatest challenge. Be vigilant in your resistance against all temptation. By doing so you will be rewarded with an enduring sense of satisfaction far greater than the temporary pleasure by which you were tempted. When someone cheats you, it teaches you that greed is the root of all evil. Aspire to make your dreams come true, no matter how lofty they may be. Do not feel guilty about your success, but never let an obsession with achieving your goals lead you to engage in malevolent activities. When someone ridicules you, it teaches you that nobody is perfect. Accept people for their merits and be tolerant of their flaws. Do not ever reject someone for imperfections over which they have no control. Upon hearing the Lord's wisdom, the old woman became concerned that there were no lessons to be learned from man's good deeds. God replied that man's capacity to love is the greatest gift he has. At the root of all kindness is love, and each act of love also teaches us a lesson. The woman's curiosity deepening, God once again began to explain. When someone loves us, it teaches us that love, kindness, charity, honesty, humility, forgiveness and acceptance can counteract all the evil in the world. For every good deed, there is one less evil deed. Man alone has the power to control the balance between good and evil, but because the lessons of love are not taught often enough, the power is too often abused. When you enter someone's life, whether by plan, chance or coincidence, consider what your lesson will be. Will you teach love or a harsh lesson of reality? When you die will your life have resulted in more loving or hurting? More comfort or pain? More joy or sadness? Each one of us has power over the balance of love in the world. Use it wisely. Don't miss an opportunity to nudge the world's scale in the right direction.

personal journey have you ever felt that you're destined to do something more? like you wake up every day, and you wished you weren't going to work, or where you were going....but that you wished you were going some place that meant more to you? that's how i've been feeling for the past year or so. i hate waking up and going to my daily destination, and no matter what happens i'm gonna keep hating it until i move on--move on to something that i've wanted to do for years. after the first couple of years of living out in la i started to really hate the path i was on. those around me thought everything was peachy keen (with the exception of my moms), i just felt like there was so much more that i could be doing....maybe that's when the depression hit (and maybe i haven't been out of it till recently). maybe that's why i never went out, i never tried anything new because i thought that nothing would come of it. then things started happening once i paid off all my bills, opportunities started popping up....one after the other. i couldn't ignore the signs anymore. now more signs are popping up, and omens too....it's just so weird. not a bad weird, a great weird. it's a i wish it happened earlier, and i'm hoping it'll only get better from here kind of deal. everyone's personal journey is different, and it comes to you at different periods in your life....as long as you achieve it is what matters--or as long as you attempt to achieve it, i should say. some people get distracted or things pop up to de-rail you from your destination--i'm hoping that doesn't happen to me. i hope you all achieve yours, thank you to those who are helping me along my way....

listen to your heart "My heart is a traitor," the boy said to the alchemist, when they had paused to rest the horses. "It doesn't want me to go on." "That makes sense," the alchemist answered. "Naturally it's afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you've won." "Well, then, why should I listen to my heart?" "Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you're thinking about life and about the world." "You mean I should listen, even if it's treasonous?" "Treason is a blow that comes unexpectedly. If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that to you. Because you'll know it's dreams and wishes, and will know how to deal with them." "You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it's better to listen to what it has to say. That way, you'll never have to fear an unanticipated blow." The boy continued to listen to his heart as they crossed the desert. He came to understand its dodges and tricks, and to accept it as it was. He lost his fear, and forgot about his need to go back to the oasis, because, one afternoon, his heart told him that it was happy. "Even though I complain sometimes," it said, "it's because I'm the heart of a person, and people's hearts are that way. People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happen, we suffer terribly." "My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer," the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky. "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." -from the alchemist by paulo coelho i'm on my way to achieving my personal journey, & while i'm on it i'm listening to my heart--and the different signs and omens i'm seeing (see posts earlier this month). this might sound weird to you all, but read the book....then you'll understand. i'll continue this later....

on motivation i finally got the nerve to tell my other best friend about my future plans, and applying to rutgers. i know she means well, and she can only go by my past....or what she's seen, but i know deep down she thinks i'm going there for other reasons. i get the feeling that other people are thinking the same thing too...and it pisses me off. what everyone doesn't see is what i feel, what motivates me to do as i do. when i moved to la i didn't move for my boyfriend at the time, i moved because of a promise i made to myself while i was at state....i wanted to move to southern cali as soon as i graduated-and i did just that. granted i didn't have many friends down there, and i hung out with his people...and they became my people. that's normal. but eventually i did branch out (like i always do)....got my bearings then went with it. yeah, i don't go out as much as i'd like to...but that's more of a fund issue than anything. i only started going out more this year because of a recent raise, and donations from my loved ones. i could have gone out if i wanted to, but i never felt a need to....or wanted to reach out. granted, i didn't experience all there is here in la (and there's a lot)...but if i REALLY wanted to, i would have. i apparently didn't want to. now people are questioning why i want to go to the east coast, and they're all thinking one thing. it's as if i don't have a mind of my own, or a friken back bone. just like i say in my personal statement, i want to experience life out there, and just live. before i moved out i was completely sheltered....so when i moved out, it was a shock....a complete shock to me. i had so much freedom i didn't know what to do with myself. i've seen all i wanted out here, and to be frank....i'm tired of it. the only thing i'll really miss (if accepted) is my people. i've been all over cali and back. i can do that drive from so cal to nor cal in 5.5 hours, and tell you all the stops in between. i used to give people tours of the bay area, and i'll drive you around la if you wanted. i've experienced all i could in cali and i'm ready for more. how hard is it for people to believe that i want to step out of the box and try something new? i'm going to force myself to go out, make new friends, get into study groups, join whatever groups they have at school, go see spoken word, try some spicy foods, walk all over the city, learn the subway system, and maybe even attempt to drive in the city when necessary. i'm just so tired of people thinking i'm only motivated by one thing. yeah okay, sometimes i am, but i'm learning from my mistakes....and the past is the past! i'm not doing this to prove a point, i'm doing this so i can experience something different, something exciting....and be able to look back and say-yeah, i did that. how hard is that to believe? i'm doing this for ME, not anyone else. i know people out there are thinking i'm fooling myself. but unless you step into my shoes, and go inside my head and KNOW what i'm thinking or feeling then you DON'T know. i'm so tired of people trying to tell me what i'm feeling or thinking. i mean, don't you want to step outside the box? some of you already had that experience of living in new york, europe or wherever. why can't i do it? this is just the right time for me to start something new, apply myself. i finished paying off all my bills, and it's just time for me to start doing what I want to do. is that so hard to believe? if the timing was finally right for you, are you telling me you wouldn't go do something that you've been dreaming about for years?

family issues every family has their deal, a certain type of situation that keeps on popping up (you thought was over--comes back with a vengeance). for us....it's my dad's drinking. hasn't been too bad lately, he promised to stop....mom called last night, he broke his promise. when i was little we all knew how to deal with it, and as we got older--we kind of mastered it. take care of mom, and if mom's not around go to your room....come out when he's asleep. i remember watching my brothers taking care of him whenever he would come home, and i'd just watch my mom. i didn't really realize what was going on until i was in high school....now i fully understand her pain. well, she finally told me last night--i hate this. maybe that's why i don't drink so much, or when i do--it's not a lot. for some reason i've had a handle on my alcohol intake (sans college years), i never let myself get too out of hand. i always have this voice in my head....make sure they can drive (or make sure everyone's okay). maybe it's my mom talking to me whenever i go out...maybe that's why she still freaks out whenever i go out today *shrug*. so i made a promise to myself a long time ago, never go out with a guy that drinks too much. last night i re-affirmed my promise to myself...i won't go through that (i just can't). although drinking is a good release, and fun with good friends....i have my limits (at least i know what they are). don't get me wrong, i love my father....he has his vices, and i wish he didn't (especially this one). especially after all we went through....i hate for my mom to go through this. it's not like we're all at home, she's alone with him most of the time...i feel powerless, i want to take her away from all of this....she doesn't deserve this...

i knew it....
Which Disney Princess are you? i'm so her, and i love that song... =)

i'm not your superwoman well, most of the time i am. but after talking to lan last night, i realized that all my insecurities about the thought of moving are starting to surface--and that's what's causing all my mental anguish. i mean, it is all the way on the other side of the country. some of my friends are starting to get all sappy on me, i'm seeing people more...and i'm not telling everyone i'm too lazy to go out--go figure. so yeah, one of my boys told me all i have to do regarding my past issues is to let go, go splurge on myself and have a spa day. i would so do that--if i wasn't saving all my money for whenever i do move. i mean for the most part, i have either let the past go--or completely erased it from my mind. i swear, someone asked me something about my past the other day....and i couldn't recall. it's like it's been blocked from my memory. i know my issues aren't as big as what other people are going through, and maybe i'm just being a drama queen. well, i haven't done this in a while....i'm just preparing myself i guess. well, if and when i do make my move...i'll be ready, right? at least i know i'll be loved, and missed. other things are going through my head--i'll save you all from that (i know, it's getting irritating). so i hope you all are well, and i'm still praying that things will get better....you're always in my thoughts (even though i'm having all my mental issues). *hug*

rollercoasters although i love rollercoasters, i don't like the emotional kind. i've been dealing with a lot of things, by myself (i chose not to allow anyone else to go though this with me--it's just easier that way). i figure go through it now before i move on (and move), i don't want to bring excess baggage with me when i make the move (*crosses-fingers*). i'm told you shouldn't bring your past into your present (and i'm dealing with a lot of my past--should have been done a long time ago). so please excuse me as i'm being a moody ass bitch, but thank you for those who have asked....it's much appreciated.

bad dreams & thoughts do you ever get into one of those funk's that you only dream bad things, or think of bad thoughts...or even second guess yourself? and these dreams or thoughts are so bad that you're crying to yourself? i think i've always did this kind of thing, 'cause my mom used to wake me up when i was little saying i was crying really hard (and i would never remember about what), or something like that. but yeah, lately i've been in a bad funk. sick and emotionally unstable? how sad is that. but this morning one of my j.a.c. lil bro's im'd me this (and this particular bro i've never met mind you), "god loves you, and so do i. have a blessed day. =)." no one has said that to me in a long ass time, actually not since j.a.c. has anyone said it (when i was active at least). he im'd it then logged off. i hate it when people do that, then i can't respond (since i was staring at my screen at the time--it was way early too). i just thought it was funny. after waking up from bad dreams, crying, having more bad dreams....when i do finally get out of bed, someone tells me that, "god loves you, and so do i. have a blessed day. =)." i just thought it fit. like he knew i needed to hear it? maybe he felt my vibes through the internet (even though i wasn't saying anything). now i'm watching a depressing episode of ally mcbeal--from the final season. granted it's in boston, she did end up in new york (i know i'm reaching). maybe all my dreams and thoughts are coming cause there's a good chance that i'll be leaving soon (*crosses-fingers*), and all my insecurities are coming out in my subconscious. perhaps this is just my weird way of dealing with it all...

sickness i don't like being sick, but i got kicked out of the office today. so i'm going to drink some green tea and MAYBE i'll get better. hehe j/k lissa, i don't blame you at all. but my ears hurt, my throat hurts, and i'm hot and cold....off to bed i go. oh and i gotta shove that stuff up my nose, i hate putting things up my nose....it never makes it up all the way...

easter & fun times on our way to fantasyland.... so this is what i did on my four days off (minus friday night, since i couldn't operate a camera at that time). *click* *click* fun with the family, and fun with lan and the kiddies at disneyland! let me tell you all....it is so much better going to disneyland with kids, a little tiring but more fun. aaaannnnndddddddddd i just found out tonight that i'm going to be one of dylan's god mothers. yay! finally someone asks me prior to making me one! he's so cute, he calls me aunti yeen, or eiyeen. he's the only baby i've ever held, and believe me...i don't go around holding and kissing babies. so yeah, hope you enjoyed the pics! =) *mwah*

the new 'do so yeah, i look really tired in this pic cause the night before i had to much to drink & i almost missed my appointment due to over sleeping. anyway, some of you asked--and here you go! gotta get to sleep....disneyland in the morning!!! more later! *mwah*

hotness.... man oh man! it's HOT up here in the bay! i HATE it! at least in la it's been kinda gloomy and chilly, i like it when it's chilly. maybe it's cause when i was younger i was in the hottest areas ever, or maybe i've become weaker as i've aged. eh, who knows. all i know is i'm happy! i even went and got my watch all spiffed up, nice and shiny baby. i even saw the kiddies today, of course i'll see more of them this weekend--but i miss them when i'm gone. so yeah, today is good friday....in a few days sweets will enter my mouth again (and other things--eventually). although, i keep thinking i cheated. but i don't think so since puto is made out of rice--and it's not a pastry (well it's not the fancy kind--more of a breakfast kind or the kind you eat with dinuguan)....and the avocado boba is made of avocado, and avocado is a fruit...therefore it's healthy. okay i feel better after justifying myself. anyway, i hope you all are having a good 'good friday'! & i hope you all have a most wonderful weekend!! ima get my hair done tomorrow *fling* oh and btw it was nice hearing from you, and i'll keep on praying! =) *HUG*

random thought don't worry about the negativity. that's all garbage. don't give in to everything you hear. you're better than that. keep your mind set on the good stuff, whether big or little. what matters is that you did it. it's all in the past now. and you learn from what happened.. right? * * * * got this from one of my lil sisters blogs. i just really liked it, totally speaking to me....

early wishes just wanted to wish you all a early happy easter & good friday, since my ass is going home tomorrow night. whooo ha! * * * * okay, so what the hell is american idol all about? that friken stupid red-headed boy who sucked ass last night was safe? granted okay, camille wasn't at the top--but she was better than that stupid red-headed boy! i even voted last night, but apparently more people are voting for the people with NO TALENT....and why? because they like those ugly boys? i CANNOT believe this crap! this is supposed to be a SINGING contest, not a PERSONALITY contest. fucker doesn't even have personality, he barely has a smile. i'm so pissed! i can't believe that america would vote this way! what keep your people in, take us out? okay, okay...yeah that was wrong....but fuck. jeez people, do you even watch? or do you wait till 9:55 find out what the number is to your person then call? do you even watch how badly your person performs? this is so wrong!!! next week, i'm going to do what they all do....i'm all about jasmine. that's right fuckers, i'm onto your game. i'm going to email all my people to do the same--cause that's what the friken red-headed boy is probably doing. grrrrrrr..... * * * * * oh yeah, happy early easter everyone (sorry, i ended up re-doing the middle of this post since i was watching american idol at the same time). hope you get all the candy you want. yes, sweets can be in my mouth again come sunday!!!! hell ya baby....I DID IT!!!

Things to look forward to. So far this week has been really good (been really happy--don't know why). I realize that it's only Tuesday, but I have Friday off & now Monday! I'm going to Disneyland with Lan & the kids! Whooooo ha!! So I'm flying home Thursday night to spend Easter with the family, and I cancelled my flight home so I can drive down with Lani and the kids. Yay! Quality time with the family! Something to look forward to. I hope I keep feeling like this, I keep praying for good things--and I wish all my stuff from SJSU would hurry up and get to me. My first letter of rec is in, two more to come. I'm so tempted to open it up--but I did check off that I waive my option to see what they think of me. So yeah, still gotta wait....I hate waiting (even thought I'm pretty patient about a lot of things). Hope everything is going well with you, you're always in my thoughts. *HUG*

A Voice Within Young girl, don't cry, I'll be right here when your world starts to fall. Young girl, it's all right, Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly. When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream, Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems. No one ever wants or bothers to explain, Of the heartache life can bring and what it means. When there's no one else, Look inside yourself, Like your oldest friend, Just trust the voice within. Then you'll find the strength, That will guide your way, If you will learn to begin, To trust the voice within.... * * * * Lyrics that go round and round in my head. Been listening to Christina a lot...and I do mean A LOT. Trying to listen to myself, and at the same time listening to what others have to say. eh, who knows...i'll figure everything out in due time. I have lot's of hope, and faith. Who knows....

Omens So lately I've been going out with my friends, or they'd ask me to go hang with them & something or other. Normally I don't go out, I just hang at home--but more of my friends have been wanting to see me. Just the other night my friend Ron and I were talking about it, he's the one that said....maybe it's an omen. But you know, after thinking about it, it's possible--or just really really wishful thinking. We saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (my choice of course), it was a little hard to follow--but afterwards I think I got it. Now if that procedure was possible I don't think I'd be able to do it--but sometimes don't you think you can erase particular memories from your mind? I know that there are times that I can't remember details, or even a particular "event" happening--or maybe I just forget how I know someone entirely. But normally, I'll remember every single detail of what happened, and what was said...sometimes people don't even believe me--but I'll have some sort of proof (probably goes with me being a pack rat). Weird right? Maybe it is possible, who knows. Ahh, I don't know. I wonder who else will take me out. I hope it's an omen, that would be really nice...it could just be really wishful thinking--but I hope not.

Spring cleaning You know, I honestly don't know how I collected so much crap. I remember when I first moved down, I hardly had anything. Now I'm tripping all over stuff! I think I just really need to throw everything away. I need help, I can't go through all this by myself. I keep saying, "oh I need that--you never know when you'll need that." grrrrrrr, I HATE being such a pack rat...

I made her cry last night. I didn't mean to. I had her read my personal statement, she started critiquing, then she started crying. She tried to get off the phone with me, but I made her stay on and talk to me. I haven't even gotten accepted yet, and my mommy's crying already. I didn't mean to make her cry. I hate doing that. She said that when I first moved away to Southern Cali, said I'm leaving her. I'm not leaving her, I never move to get away from her. I'm sure she understands that I have to do this for myself, it's now or never (well not never--but I'm not getting any younger). They'll visit me of course, and I'll be home on the holidays...but they'll be in the pinas for half the year (since she's finally retiring), the other half in Cali. I hate feeling like this. I haven't even gotten accepted yet. I hope she'll get used to this, I know I'm going to hear it when I go home next week. Man, I'm all depressed now. I know it's hard when your daughter goes away, and I know it's even harder since I am the baby....but man, I'm not leaving her (or my family). If it happens (or when--I need to be positive), I hope they'll understand....

Flounder has a new friend.... but flounder is the only one that sleeps with me..... ;) .....and yes, wherever I end up--they're all coming with me!